adulthood...
 

I'm not cut out for it...


moved out from my parents almost 3 years ago, and in that time the only good thing I can say has come about is meeting jack (my boyfriend)...


other than that: i've been to court, been evicted from a flat, been in debt SO many times, been fired from 2 jobs, failed exams, had no money for food, my SI got worse, etc...


CBA won't help me as I'm a student... Uni won't help me as I have no diagnosis... Nowhere will hire me as I've gotten fired in the past...
but the only reason I got fired was due to my brain... one I got fired from as I couldn't add up quickly enough (dyslexic...) and the other as I kept panicing and making mistakes when the place got busy (anxiety disorder)...


so now... rent due friday, electric bill due next week, TV license got paid last week, Phone got paid last week (and internet)...
no dea how I'll afford to go see people over easter... so wll be stuch here alone...


AND... the one good thing, Jack... I may be loosing him soon too... as he's worried about his exam results he hasn't been attending uni as he should, so now they may chuck him out, then he'll leave aberdeen...
then I'll nt onl be alone, but I'll be unabe to afford to live here... so will have to leave uni... will have to get a job... will have to give up on goal forever :crying: again... obviously the world's telling me something... not mea t to be at uni not meant to be a surgeon

I don't know what to do... can't even get a bloody job as they look at past history and see I've been fired in the past... Or I mess up the interview... to be honest not sure I could cope with a ob right now anyway... but what other option do I have?


I messed up my GCSEs, then I messed up my ASs, so moved to a new college, those ASs went ok, but then messed up A2s... so blagged into uni, then faied 2nd yer, so had to change degree so could say repeated 2nd year due to that and not due to failure... so now on a degree I hate...
but unless I do this degree won't get into medicine...

get nothing from my parents... their view is "is you get money off us then you're not living alone so shouldn't have moved out"... my loan's been messed up ever term until this one meaning that I had so much debt the other month that almost 1/2 my loan when to pay that off within days of getting it :crying:

I have no social life... can't afford one... everything costs money...


got a job application here, but can't afford a stamp to post it :crying:



you know when you're little and always wishing to be older? to have more responsibility? to be independent?
well stuff it! I give up... I'm obviously not cut out for this

Just wanted to offer you my support. I wish I could say more but I have never been to Uni.

I wanted to offer you good luck on your application form. I really hope someone gives you a break soon xxx

Keep talking and posting if it helps

Jade xxx

thanks for the reply...

thing is the problem isn't really uni... uni is fine, easy in fact... its all the financial rubbish and organisation, and remembering things like ills and stuff that's getting to me... Everything seems to go wrong at once, and other things seem to come in waves... and not doing great right now to start with so just all got ontop of me I guess...


will find a way to survive... always do. just right now feeling a bit down and sorry for myself

I too want to offer my support.

Uni was such a long time ago for me but I remember the struggles.

My only advice (if you can call it that) on the job front is go for a really boring one! I do an exceptionally boring job but I know I could not cope with something more lively as I panic very easily. Interviews are scary but be yourself and be honest about what you can do.

I know all too well the feeling of being alone, keeping talking to us in here.

*sending you hugs from Glasgow*

don't know, feeling a little selfish and moany now... I mean all these things are just part of life... I really should be able to deal with them

Don't feel selfish and moany please. I moan with the best of them. I am having real difficulties with work right now, you should see how whiny I am!

Why won't uni help without a diagnosis? IS it not enough that you need support for mental health problems?

Sorry, I don't really have anything useful to say as when I was a student, in addition to the maximum loan, I was in the OTC (officer training corps) and so had an additional source of income which I also enjoyed doing.

Is there no general hardship fund you can access?

I was in the OTC... but they found out about my SI, and therefore that I'd lied on the forms, so they chucked me out :(


there is a hardship loan, but the maximum is £350 which will cover one months rent so saving that for aprils rent...


I don't know why they won't do anything... they just keep teeling me I need a diagnosis before they can do anything... apparently havign a panic attack during a pressentation before blacking out isn't enough proof...

sorry... slightly bitter about the uni;diagnosis thing...

The red tape of such things can be so frustrating especially as you need help now. Is there a student welfare place that could help you out and take some of the stress out of it for you.

btw - wouldn't pass the otc medical now - not an ****ing chance, was cleverer and concealed it far more in the past!

I managed to be in for almost 2 years before they found out lol. still not taken the kit back... probably should before they charge me...

student support have said all they can do until I have a diagnosis is let lecturers know I have "some difficulties" so they'll be more lenient with me attendance wise...

Don't worry about the kit. I left uni in June 2003 and still have the kit - actually I have extra because I did an exchange with the US Army - oops! We had to have a proper medical when we joined but because I joined late it was ok because they got some old doddery dr to do it so didn't have to strip to underwear as is usual.

Do you know if you are likely to get a diagnosis? As far as I am aware, I have "personality problems" ie a psych who thankfully doesn't want to prematurely label me as bpd and currently have an episode of "depression" apparently yet I still get help and support from services without officially having a diagnosis. Is you gp not willing to write a letter which might convince them without an official diagnosis? Uni sounds a wee bit too inflexible to me!

I'm currently on a waiting list to see a psych...


my old councilor was convinced that I have an anxiety disorder, and kept going on about body dysmorphia (though I'm not convinced by that one) too.. but told me that I'd have to see a doctor and get referred to a psych as there wasn't that much more that she could do to help me...
I don't know why the uni wants this officialness so badly... maybe people have "cheated the system" in the past...
I really don't want a diagnosis as I want to be a surgeon, and this will complicate that goal... I mean I've checked and could still do it, would just be harder... but on the flip side, without some sort of help there is a high likelihood that I won't make it that far anyway

How long is it until you see a psych? Could your gp write something in the meantime explaining what he/she suspects the problem is?

I was a solicitor, briefly, but now am not. If I felt well enough and able enough I could still be a solicitor but currently choose not to as I can barely get myself to work. I don't see why it should be a problem if you want to be a surgeon.

well I got put on a waiting list 6 months ago, but then moved house... when to see new doctor, so not sure if on list again or still on from first time...


I was meant to go get an appointment today to see them again.. but I got scared... :(

Oh hun, you need to re-arrange that appt and try and get something sorted. I've got to go now but probably around either later or tomorrow evening. Take care!

I'll try to go on friday... got too much stuff tomorrow...


I don't know... not sure it will help really... but there's a load of stuff I haven't told them yet, and I'm really not doing great right now... getting quite powerful paranoid thoughts (bst way I can think of explaining them) and stuff...

Tell them everything you possibly can.
*hugs*

I went this afternoon... they have no appointments until the end of march... so I left a message for my doctor instead...

gah... I saw another old photo of myself today...


I think it's getting to me as these pictures are all about 4-6 years old, which isn't that long ago but make me think about how different I am now to then...

that and the hide box stuff