I'm a disgusting freak ***sui trig also***
 

Failed. Supposed to be at work. Took Monday off when I should have been in and can't make it in today. Sat here crying. Pathetic failure:crying:

*sending you massive hugs* You are not a failure at all. You're struggling right now, it's understandable. I'm here if you want to talk.

Thanks. Wish I could just hold it together a little better. Going to have go to work tomorrow as I can't get into this habit of not going again but I've really just made things harder by not doing so today. I need to go especially in the current climate as there have been many redundancies in other departments at work and there is only so long they are going to be patient with me, isn't there. So weak and pathetic. My housemate thinks that it is like her not wanting to go to work on a Monday or something but it's not. I don't want to embarass myself re crying etc. A couple of friends noticed that I had been crying last week (I usually go into the toilets to do so but my eyes must have been a little red still when they saw me), I can't be breaking down in front of my supervisor. I know he is going to think I am skiving. I just want to be able to get out of the door without having to muster so much energy and fight to do so. :crying:

ur not weak OR pathetic ur just struggling hun. can u tell anyone where u work that ur struggling? u dont have to tell them any detail, at least that may stop them thinking ur just skiving, if they dont kno ur not ok its understanable for them to think u ARE skiving. hope this makes sense
<<<<<<<<<HUG>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Thanks! The HR dept are under the impression that I have depression etc as this was the easiest way to label things when they asked my gp for a report last summer. They have been really supportive but surely they are fed up with me, my housemate is, I am. Sick of this crying, pathetic.

Have too much medication at home. Shouldn't have ordered more of my prn dose as have nearly a month's supply left. Didn't realise/think. On top of that I have my night meds, some anti-sickness tablets which sedate you a little and due to pick up my ADs soon. Psych has put me on ones that are safer in od due to my history. What have I done, too many all nearby.

I've tried to separate them out - put the extra ones in a drawer so that they aren't in a pile somewhere tempting me but oh my goodness, I could hopefully do some damage with all those.

Argh! Empty but crying, how does that work?

:crying:

Carrie just want you to know I'm thinking of you
Please don't feel bad for taking time off if you need it, at least you go in when you can. I guess it would be easier to just stop going altogether but you haven't done that
Take care * big hugs* xxx

Thanks but it is a failure really. I should be able to fight this but I can't just feel lacking in everything at the moment.

Carrie, if the tables were turned and someone else was writing this post, would you believe they were a failure too?

I'm assuming, from what i know of you, that you wouldn't. I really don't see you as a failure OR this situation as a "failing". It is merely a blip. Blips happen. You aren't in control of your own mind, none of us are all of the time, sometimes you just can't muster up the courage to face work or people, that doesn't make you a bad person or a failure. You're recognising that you're struggling right now, and you should be proud of that fact, because the more you recognise it, the more you can work on it. It may take time, weeks, months, years if necessary, but you WILL get there, you just need to be patient with yourself and be kinder. *Big hugs*

Keep your chin up sweet, and if you need to talk i'm here. x

(Hope that made sense - got a "duh" brain going on at the moment lol) x

Thanks Laura.

I made it to work today. Minor issue of panic attack on the way. I can't keep doing this. I have no idea where I can find the strength or will to do so tomorrow but if I don't, they really will think I am skiving because to them I appear fine, I just put on the mask. Inside - numb, hurt, wanting to hide and curl up. Sorry, just more of the same.

I am glad you made it to work.
I can completely understand wanting to wear a mask all the time.
*BIG cuddles*

I really do understand...I too am struggling with similar work issues.
Glad you made it in though. Must have taken a huge amount of courage.
Well done. xx

Have sat downstairs with my housemate all night pretending all is well and happy. She's gone to bed now (she has an early shift). Can't get the train out of my head. Need to od. I won't have to face the fight if I die. I'm not hysterical or wound up, crying yes but that's all I seem to do these days but this is a logical choice for me. I know it's frowned upon but I can't face the shame of being so lazy.

Hardly did any work today, they are going to notice as all time is recorded and my supervisor is going to know via webreports system we have. How do you explain to someone that your hours are missing because you couldn't concentrate, couldn't think straight and quite frankly were spending alot of that time thinking of ways to end it. I can't tell him that so what am I going to do?

Carrie,
I'm not entirely sure of what help you're recieving at the moment, but you really need to discuss this with someone.

What about going on sick leave? Or even giving work a miss for a while? I know that sounds horrendously scary, especially as it may be the only thing structured in your life right now. But to be honest, work seems to be more of a hidrance than a help at the moment hun, and it's doing you no good getting so upset and stressed out over it. You can't HELP being like this.

You won't be a failure for taking a break to heal you know. *hug*
Chin up x

hey im in a blips just now as well i know how its feels. What about writing a letter to yer supervisor explainign how hard it is going in. I did that this week and it has helped my course tutor said thankyou for the letter and she said that she will back off me (not putting any pressure on me to do stuff quickly)

Talk to someone about it and i agree with the above

Again did only about half of work supposed to. Can't concentrate.

Sorry, let you all down. Feel sick as haven't been drinking like this liek usual as have been trying to be good. Want to give in. OD, anything. Stop it all.

Work is supposed to be helpful, beneficial. Only stable thing in my life.

OMG I need to spew.

Thanks Laura. I've got a cpn who has been visiting me properly again after being really rubbish. Saw my psych last week and she has arranged monthly appts to give me some support aswell. She reckons I'm depressed now on top of the usual "personality problems" and has re-started me on an AD as well as my AP already on. Fingers crossed that she is right and it helps but I don't hold out much hope.

I've been trying so hard to get back to normal at work. I couldn't do it in December and so used up some of my holidays so I could work 3 day weeks. I had hoped after a break at Christmas, I would be ready for it. I've managed a couple of times to go in for 2 weeks straight without any time off but it's so hard at the moment. I want to avoid having time off because it isn't good for me to be at home with just my head for company. I had alot of tmie off last year and so can't afford to be like that again. If it doesn't pick up, maybe I'll speak to my cpn to see whether he thinks I'm at that point again where work is being detrimental rather than protective because I'm not that great in spotting it.

Yoyo - thanks for the suggestion but my supervisor is of the view that he took me on knowing I had been ill, that he doesn't need to know what that is because HR are happy that it is legitimate. I have a feeling he has an idea as he has to sign my appt forms for the HR dept and moved the strategically placed post-it which was hiding the fact I was having a morning off for a cpn appt.

Sorry to keep rambling on. It's going to be hard to get through this weekend.

Had to go through the level crossing to get to the post office to collect a package. There were some flowers for the girl who killed herself the other week. So tempted to do it, it worked for her. I know it's selfish, it might disturb the driver, etc. It annoyed me when they were talking on the train about her not considering others. Someone who does that is in pain, not able to cope and can see no way out. She may have been fighting it for years like me or you. They have no idea what caused her to do it. How dare they judge her. They'd judge me for doing so aswell but I wouldn't be around to hear them or the voices. I would no longer have to fight to face life. It would be over, peace.

I knew a young girl and her mother (who was my friend) who did this and I agree with you that they must have been in immense internal pain at the time. Some people are ignorant and just dont understand.

But, it isnt the answer Carrie. Im really glad that you came back from the post office.

I know it is such a goddamned struggle every day. But you are fighting and you do have the strength and I do believe you can do this. The new meds should start to kick in soon and will hopefully make a difference. xx

Already dreading having to go to work tomorrow. Sat here crying, don't have the strength for this anymore. Taken prn meds so hopefully will calm down a little. Still trying not to cut. Tempted to od on meds to lose some time. Other than going out to the post office, have spent the weekend in my pyjamas in the house, hair is minging and really needs washing but can't be bothered. Why is everything such an effort?