Trying Again - Positive
 

So, just read my last attempt at being positive and although I don't feel lik that at the moment, I can try to find little things:

1. I so desperately needed/wanted to cut last night but I didn't.

I know it isn't anything big but one thing at a time.

Well done, that is a fantastic start. :-) Take care.

Well done!
One day at a time - not cutting is great. And so is trying to be positive.
Thinking of you *hugs*

Thanks.

2. After today I will have been at work 2 weeks straight without any unplanned absences - late in today due to appt but work know about it. Sounds weak I know but it takes all the will in the world to go out and face people at the moment.

Again - well done! two weeks is great.
How did your appt go? x

Good job Carrie; those are both great achievements!
*hugs*

Well done sweetheart, really proud of you.

3. Feeling really triggered still due to something that happened on the train last night (details in my other post). However, today I will not be cutting. I am going to my older sister's house (which unfortunately requires going on the trains) and am looking after her 4 children tonight - 11, 9, 4 & 3 - should be a bit of a distraction.

Good on you sweetheart am real proud of you

Wow good luck with that - it will certainly be distracting anyway!
I'm looking after my little brothers and sister tonight aswell so know how you feel. xx

*BIG hugs for Carrie*

YAY you are doing it, your fighting this. You should be very very proud of yourself.

3 positive things is wonderful xxx

Thanks for all the support and encouragement, it really helps!

Let's try for no.4 - I haven't harmed since a week ago.

Not exactly positive but it may apparently help. Saw my psych today and she thinks I'm depressed - not as I usually am when I see her, etc. She has put me on ADs again. I've had them in the past but they didn't work. She reckons that it may not have been that I was depressed when put on them by my gp in the past but that having seen me today and listened to how things have been recently she thinks I am. i just assumed it was just me being me but she pointed out things that were different - I usually manage to hold things together whereas I broke down today, I hate that but have done nothing but cry recently and couldn't help it. The not being able to concentrate at work whereas this is usually a distraction for me. Trying not to cut, od, etc and doing the right things eg running etc but still lacking in motivation. Having to fight to get out of bed. The suicidal thoughts which have been plaguing me whereas the usual thoughts are of harm, even when I od. Maybe she is right and this will help lift my mood a little. What I appreciate most? That she took the time to point out the differences to me so that I could see that maybe she is right and that the psychotherapy stuff is what will help with the personality stuff but the ADs are for the depression. She thinks I need to do all I can to be in the best place possible as psychotherapy is difficult at the best of times but would be more so if depressed.

Sorry, a ramble but maybe it can get a little better than it is now, even before the psychotherapy starting.

I really hope the meds work out for you, they usually take a couple of weeks to work.

I think you should be proud that you managed to be honest with your psych. To truely tell them how you are feeling.

Really hope that in time they lift your mood, Keep being positive.

Love Jade xxx

Thanks Jade. I know it can take a few weeks for them to kick in so it gives some time to hopefully work, if they do, before the psychotherapy kicks in (assuming they take me on after the assessment appt next month). She gave me outpatient prescription to tide me over til my gp sorts one for me.

I'm really rubbish at trying to talk to her and felt so pathetic for crying in front of her as I haven't done so before. Play the whole "I'm OK" thing. I have cried in front of my cpn though quite a few times and try to tell him the past couple of times I saw him about the whole not being able to concentrate, increasing thoughts of suicide, etc and he just kept on about the psychotherapy. Should he have not been able to see that things were different in the way she did or am I being harsh as I clearly didn't/don't and I suppose he has seen me in some pretty bad states before.

Maybe I'm getting my hopes up only for them to be dashed again.

Surely I can't be depressed, if I am trying the whole positivity thing anyway?

Sorry, confused. I had accepted this as part of my freakishness.

It's horrible when you can't even find interest in rolling over in bed and turning on the radio or opening the curtains. One thing I found is good is to plan two vaguely pampering things to do each month, such as going out for a hot chocolate, or to an art gallery or buying a cd/record. So even though you really don't want to do these things, then at least you can look back and see that you have achieved something - that you are worth pampering. There's a book available called something like 'froth on the cappuccino' (or something like that) that's about doing really small things to make you feel better. I'm sorry that you feel awful, but you must keep communicating how you feel to your carers/care co-ordinator and don't break-off contact (it's really tempting to feel that you feel so bad that your health isn't worth the help). Sometimes I write to my care co-ordinator if I feel that I can't get through to them.

I'm glad you're getting some proper support - and well done for all the things you're managing to do for yourself. I know it's tough right now, but it will help in the long run...