Alot of stress, can't deal....
 

Hello,

It's been a very hard month for me. Maybe a bit longer than a month. The nightmares and flashbacks are never ending. They have gotten to the point where they are so frequently causing anxiety attacks and causing high blood pressure that I had to be put on blood pressure medication. I'm 28. I am way to young to be needing blood pressure medication. I know if I had the darn therapy to help me get better, the anxiety/panic attacks would stop and the BP would return to normal.

However atleast with the blood pressure medication I can start taking my ritilin again. It's been really hard having to go without. For anyone who doesn't know, taking rilitilin (which is a upper) while your BP is high, can put you at risk for a heart attack or stroke. Without out it, I have been having a lot of problems being able to concentrate and stuff which only pissed me off more when I have been trying to get things done. That coupled with lack of sleep was not a good mix.

I am still really frustrated at the system right now because of how they do things where I live. Weather I am brought in by the police, or if I walk in I still have a hard time getting someone to talk to at the ER. The most I get is a ER doc asking me if I am suicidal and if I have a plan. I don't get a chance to explain what's going on, how I am feeling......nothing. Just those two questions. When Mental Health finally shows up, they are the same. They two questions, and they don't want to listen to anything else I have to say. They will actually interrupt me to keep me from getting it out. Pisses me off. Then they will discharge me to go home. If I came in myself I am fine because I drove myself and can get home. If the cops brought me in, they hospital refuses to provide me a cab or anything home so I have to walk home, 5 miles. Pain in the ass with a back injury. So I try to come in myself anytime I feel the need to go.

Tonight, when I talked to the hotline though it was good and irratating at the same time. The guy on the phone was listening at first, but then all he wanted to know was what medications I was on, how much I take, how long I have been on them and so on. I didn't call to talk about medication. I called to vent about what was going on. So I hung up. Well of course they called the police. The sergent came to the door. As many times as I call, I am well knowen with the police night shift, although I had not met Steve yet. He has worked for the Redding police for the last 15 years and like me has PTSD. We sat and talked for some time. That was the good part of it. Over his time he was involved in 3 shootings and the department sent him to a department paid specialist.

He shared with me a few of the things they had taught him for dealing with his PTSD. One of which was a method called "Word Salad". Basically before bed and as your falling asleep, either quietly or out loud you think of words that are totally unrelated. For example: Car, bat, fan, toy, light, radio, water, cup and so on. You can do it as well during flashbacks. The idea is to interrupt your brains thoughts about the traumatic event(s). As strange and weird as it sounds, it does make since. I have yet to try it as I have not had a flashback since Steve was here, but I will be trying it out. I just thought I would pass it along.

The last issue I am dealing with right now is my friend Darien who has Cistic Fibrosis is in the hospital, has been since december 26th and is dieing. We thought he was going to be able to come home. But the doctor said he maybe has 2 days left. He went from 6 liters of oxygen, to 12, to 15, to 25. His lungs are down to 5% complicity. He can't bearly talk anymore and is pretty much only sleeping now most of the time. When he is awake, he is breathing hard, asking for breathing medication trying to breath. They have to give him ativan to knock him out. I already lost one of my friends to a heart attack only 5 years ago next month. It's too soon to do this again. I want to be there for him all the time, but because of my fear of hospitals, I can only stay a hour or two at a time. And that really bothers me alot. Because he really wants someone with him. And I would too. But I start freaking out after a hour or two. I just hate it. He needs me and I can't be there for him like he needs me to be. And this may be the last and most important time he needs me, and I can't do it. Some friend I am huh? Well, I am going to go for now. Thanks for the ear.

-Stanley

Hi Stanley,

It sucks that you've been going through such a rough time the last month or so. *offers hugs* I can't begin to imagine the stress you've been through; but I did want to say that you seem to be a fighter and wanting to get better and I think that shows you have a strong spirit.

You mentioned that if you had therapy you think you'd be able to work through your panic and anxiety attacks? Are you able to be in therapy at all?

I think it's great that you were able to meet up with Steve and he was willing to listen and helpful. I hope the word salad helps you with your flashbacks.

Don't beat yourself up over not being able to be at the hospital for long times for your friend. I think your friend would understand. It sounds like you are doing as much as you are able to. I think that is a sign of a good friend.

*leaves hugs*

take care.

Just wanted to say that I have read your post and will reply more fuly when my head is in a better place.
*hugs*

*Cuddles you* Im sorry your going through such a tough time. Im really sorry to hear about your friend. Im sorry i dont have much support to offer but i want you to know that i have read and that i care. Im thinking of you.

Take care all the best Ian

Hello,

Things have turned bad so fast with my friend. Within 24 hours, he went from talking and although being tired and all he seemed ok. He ended up having to be put on a ventalator. Something he said he didn't want to have done, however it was done when he was scared. They told him it was the only way to help him breath. He was scared and didn't wanted to sufficate to death. I can't blame him. I honestly can't. But now, we are told he will never come off the ventalator. Something they led him to believe he would come off later, that he would be on only for a little while. He said in his wishes that he didn't want to be put on a machine if he wasn't going to come off of one. Being his health care agent, it now falls on me to make the call to remove him from the vent, and it's so hard for me to have to make that call. Yea I am honoring his wishes. But at the same time it feels like I am sentinceing him to death. I have the families support on the decition, but that still doesn't make it any easier. The vent was never supposed to happen. When the time came, his lungs were supposed to fail, and the hospital staff were supposed to stand back and wait for him to code and that would be it. There wasn't supposed to be a situation where a plug was supposed to be pulled. I hate this.

-Stanley

Hello,

I am so pissed off. The doctor went behind out backs this morning. Myself, his dad, his adoptive dad and his brother were all waiting to meet with the doctor to talk about taking him off the ventalator and letting what happen, happen. Make him as comfortable as possible of course. The ventalator was never supposed to happen. DJ paniced. So it put us in a situation we didn't account for. DJ either. He always told us he never wanted to be put on one. He never told us what he wanted if he was ever put on one. So anyway, when the doctor finally showed up he told us he was going to check on his vitals and things and then he would come and talk to us and then we would go from there on what to do. About 20 minutes later our friend who was in there with him at the time comes out frantic telling us the doctor was waking him up. Turns out they decided to wake him up and ask him what he wanted to do. He slowly woke up until the doctor finally shut off the flow to the sadation completely. At that time he fully woke up. He then sat up in the bed and realized he was on the vent and began to panic and was grasping at the tube trying to pull it out but they had him in arm restraints. While all this was going on the doctor kept asking him what he wanted to do. He kept trying to talk. They finally had to turn back on the medication to calm him back down. They ended up giving him a pen and he wrote "I want to live". The problem is, they didn't explain his condition to him. He can't breath without the vent. He has always known for years now, that if he ever had to go on it, that he would never come off of it. And since they have put it in, they have had to keep upping the flow. We all belive had he been fully informed, he probably would have made a different choice. And it should have been handled by us, his family. He didn't want this. They purposely woke him up behind our backs, and kept the information about his condition so he would say yes to life. Now the control of his care is in the hospital. We don't control his care anymore. It's out of our hands now. And that is really fustraiting because now this can go on for months. And we know that's not what he would have wanted.

-Stanley

Can you appeal it at all????? I don't know, go to the administrators or something????

Like Jess said, is there some way you fight this?

I can't imagine being in that situation, and I'm sorry that it's been so hard for you. You are a great friend to him.