The war is over...we lost. *updated*
 

What's the point? Really. What's the point of being alive when all being alive brings is pain?

23 years. 23 ****ing years in which all I've experienced is pain and misery. There are no bright spots. Nothing. Just pain and loss and being treated like ****.

I can't keep living like this.

I've had enough.

I just want to fade away and be done with it. Settle all debts, count up losses.

I just...I'm done, I think.

I know the feeling doll, my worlds fallin down around me right now but you have to keep hoping and maybe some day just simply living will pay off.
Really think you should speak to doctor see if they can offer any help to make living that bit easier.
Please take care

hugs you
 

Sits by your side and gently Hugs you,
sits by your side and understands your pain
please be safe and i do care about you
and i hear your pain right now
hugs you
Dave

I hear you.

I know.

I understand.

I am trying to be stronger than my decades of pain, you can too. Its hard. Its hell. But its possible.

There is always a point in being alive, even when it dosnt seem it sometimes.
I'm sorry that you have had such a difficult time. But how about viewing it like this. You have seen how bad things can be. From this, you will have learnt to really appreaciate when things are good.

You have had 23 years of pain, maybe things will begin to look up now. Maybe the next 23 years will be wonderful. Your expreinces in life affect how you react. I believe that everything that happens happens for a reason. Even if the reasons are not clear to us at the time. Maybe your past exprince will help you in the future. Will help you deal with other things or even help other people.

You said at the end of your message that your done, you think. This shows doubt, so please dont act on any thoughts or impulses. You never know what is waiting around the corner for you.

Take care
Kim

Life doesn't always have to be about pain. In all of your life, is there nothing that ever made you smile, even for a moment?
It is worth it to continue on and I hope soon you will find something or someone that makes you realize that. Think about what might make you happy. Set goals for yourself. Do anything but just give up on life altogether.

Thank you all for your kind replies.

It's been ages now. Depth of despair. And though yes, I smile, or laugh or whatever, it's still there. A hum in the background.

I spent the last couple of days forcing myself to socialise. Even though I really don't want to. I don't want to see anyone. I just want to curl up in a corner and never come out again.

See this is why I keep coming back to the hospital thing, not because I want to be there (although it would be nice to be taken care of), but because I'm getting scared of myself. I'm getting scared of what I'll do. And the only thing that's keeping me hanging on is my flatmate - he can't afford the rent without me, and I'd hate him to think that he'd done anything/could have done something to stop it.

And now I'm sitting in bed, scared. Scared of tomorrow. Monday. Work day. I hate my job and my boss bullies me, which is making my self harm and depression worse, and I'm looking for a new job but getting nowhere.

I don't know who I am any more.

You're seeing a dr soon, right?

I have been to the doctor's. I went on Friday. He wants me to "think" about psychiatric help and changed my medication. I see him in another month.

i hope changing meds and poss seing a pysch help
 

Hey Im glad youve been to your docters, and it may be worth thinking about psychiatric help, and the change in medication. You havent anything to loose by trying them it could be good, i hope you do try it.

best wishes whatever you choose
please keep posting here and we will be there for you
Dave

I know how you feel. It'll be ok though. *hugs* Just consider your options with the docs and keep trying to make it through the days.

Your entry really spoke out to me, probably because I can't tell you how many times I've felt the same way.

Its so easy to generalize. I do it all the time. But in the 23 yrs you spoke of, have they really been nothing but pain? There is not one good shining moment in that vast span of time you can recall? Its so easy to dwell on the bad and forget about the good.

Sometimes life can seem like a war: you against the world. But its not. There is no "winning" or "losing" in life like there is war: its about survival. Its about the journey. There is a a purpose for everyone, we just dont know what it is.

I hope this helps, even if it is just a little bit.

Thank you all.

Yes VitaMia, there have been high spots. But always at a cost. It's never just been free. Everything has had a price and I just can't pay it any more.

I'm not quite suicidal (although I think about it a lot). I'm just so...odd...

I keep getting this urge to go out and pick I fight. It's like I want to get beaten up...like I want someone to give me an absolute beating, so I'm broken and bloodied. I have no idea why. But it's almost an attractive image in my head and I keep coming back to it. I'm scared I'm going to go to the pub or something and pick a fight.

have to say...i used to do that years and uears ago..the bar fight thing. would go to the roughest place and just start soemthing. But i was mad, angry as hell and it came out on some poor bastard that wasnt quite expecting it....not good.and it just made me more and more violent, it go t pretty bad...and it doesnt work, believe me.

You said you have to think about meds...why???
If there is a chance they can help why wait? At least TRY them...then you will know. No meds arent fun. I hate mine every once in awhile but i know i need them so i have to take them. They have helped alot. Be prepared for a wait tho, not often do they hit the right combo /single right off..hopefully they can for you. Pls maybe call your dac back, say you want an earlier appt and discuss all the options with him/her. Ask which meds he/she is thinking of and WHY.
I'd say try it...you see how thing are without....maybe its time to see how things are with.
let us know
romp

I'm thinking abotu the psychaitrist, not the meds. I have the new meds and am trying them. I don't hold out much hope however.

I understand. I really do.
Matthew

It does take a while before meds work. It did for me anyway. I took paxil, which after a while ended up working great, but then I had to be switched off of it because of some bad long term side effects in adolecents that was being discovered in Europe. Now I am taking prozac, which works, although I do think the paxil worked better. I also had some threapy, which I'm sure helped a lot. Time though, time is the best medicine. Growing older, wiser, is the best threapy you can get. Unfortunatly, time is...time. It isn't instantanous. But it works.

It doesn't get better does it?

I just want to have something to show the world how hurt I am. I want to carve it into me - this is pain. This is suffering. This is what living costs every damn day.

I'm so tired. So very tired. I pay my punishments. I paid it all. I keep on paying.

All I want is release.

All I want is help.

Trust me, it does get better. Much, much better. Threapy or a psychritrist can help. Cutting and the like when seem like a release, but there are so many other ways to experience release.

Hang in there. Weather the storm.

Thank you.

I am trying. I just don't know how long the storm will last.

I have got a new job now, which I'm looking forward too. I hope this is something good now.