New year and what? *trig sui also*
 

I'm so sorry for keeping on moaning and posting when I'm not too great at supporting people. I suppose some time away over christmas would help shift my mood but it didn't. Still feel the same. Christmas was very difficult for numerous reasons. Thinking of asking to change or just not have a cpn (there's a thread on the mh board). Trying to find a good method - one that doesn't involve a member of public being involved in my death or in finding me and one that doesn't involve my housemate having to find me. I remember that this time last year, the start of the new year gave me a little denial period for a few weeks where I decided I could pretend things could be different but nothing like that this time.

I start back at work on Monday but am scared. Scared of having to try and be normal, scared of having to see people etc. Scared of the depression (well, I;m not actually depressed acc to drs etc but it was an easier way to describe it) getting to the point where I really can't get out of bed.

I've done nothing but fight this time - try to go out, keep at work, drink less, OD less, etc but it isn't lifting.

Sorry, noy sure why I have even posted this, probably just to get some things out of my head.

Don't stress yourself about whether or not you are being supportive and presently requiring support. We all have times when we start feeling that we aren't being supportive enough to other people, and when we have issues with reaching out ourselves. And also, no need to apologise. If posting allows you to get things out of your head then make use of it. I'm afraid that right now I don't have anything else that I can say, just wanted to let you know that I'm reading and listening.

Keep on posting and getting stuff out of your head if it helps. I saw your post about the CPN and I hope things get sorted out soon.

I understand the fear about starting back to work and trying to be normal.. i'm quite nervous about next week too.

I don't have much advice to offer other than letting you know I'm reading and listening to your posts. Please keep on fighting.

*leaves hugs if you want them*

Is there anyone at work you feel comfortable with confiding in?

The only person who I used to confide in and who would meet me for lunch etc was made redundant (she was a solicitor in the corporate department and was one of 10 of the 15 junior solicitors who were made redundant the other month). It used to help being able to sit with her for lunch etc. She had been really supportive. I feel sick thinking about it. Hoping to stay calm enough to manage not to have panic attack later or at work. I'm not sure how much longer I can fight waking up dreading each day, feeling so low/empty/numb. Sorry.

Maybe you need to go back and see the doc again?

Keep safe hon x

I'm supposed to be seeing my psych a week on Tues but don't really want to tell her about my plans because she might try and persuade me that it wouldn't be a good idea. They'll just come out with the usual crap. I want to OD but properly - not get treatment. I have an idea as to how I could combine different, consecutive ODs to allow the first one to kill me but for the 2nd one to prevent me being aware of the damage of the first one and having to suffer through any pain. I think it might be actually a viable option.

OMG. I managed it. Didn't think I would but I got into work. Yeah, so I was having a minor panic attack in the toilets on arrival and had to get bus across the city because my legs were too wobbly to walk but I did it. **** you depression/anxiety/defective personality :-p . The problem? Felt like **** all day and didn't do as much work as should. Scared to death of having to keep doing this every single day. Don't want to be here, just want the struggle to end. Spoke to the woman in HR who is my contact. Told her things had been difficult and asked if I would be able to work at home occasionally if it gets any worse. She said I could speak to my boss and see if he will allow me a day a week working at home, that way I could break up the week eg in the office Mon, Tues, at home Wed and then back in office Thurs & Fri. I know they are obligated to be flexible but it seems too nice and I don't deserve it. I couldn't pluck up the courage to ask my boss. Why should I be allowed? It's my own stupid weakness that has led to this. I don't want to be more trouble than I'm worth and end up with no job. If I end it tonight, it's no longer a problem, is it? Don't even have to end it, just slowly waste away and withdraw again. Sick of crying like a baby for no reason. Argh. Sorry for posting again with my petty worries.

You're doing so well, when things are so hard. *sits with you*

You do deserve the adjustments.

You're ill. It's not your fault you're having difficulties right now.

I have a bundle of reasonable adjustments at work, and I should be able to respond more than this, but my brain's a bit fogged right now, sorry. I'll try and come back to this.

Give yourself a few days to get back into the swing of things. you might find the routine helps you. You show a great strength of character in the fact that you havnt given up you are still fighting through and getting on with things. Keep it up. i know things suck but you are doing well.
Have you thought about speaking to your doctor about medication or even a change of medication if you are already on some?

Thanks Katie. The problem is, I'm not ill, I'm just defective. What kind of adjustments do you have, if you don't mind me asking?

Bitter Angel - I wish it was a case of settling in but it was the same before Christmas so I used my remaining holidays to work just 3 day weeks so it was more manageable. Currently on Quetiapine, which has helped but which I also kinda misuse occasionally, although not really badly. I wish it was a case of a change of meds but have tried a couple of ADs in the past and they didn't work, in fact I think one of them was partly to blame for the complete chaos and reckless behaviour earlier in the year. My psych says that the AP has anti-depressive properties anyway.

CPN called today to arrange an appt - **** off! I'm supposed to see him every week (or fortnightly at the least). Last saw him in October. He has been really unreliable and am going to tell my psych don't see the point in it when see her next week. I suspect the only reason he called today is because he knows I have an appt with the psych next week.

My old GP said I would delight in not getting better. Gee thanks, way to make me feel better. Do you reckon he is right? I have tried so hard these last few months to try and make things better by fighting etc but don't seem to be able to lift myself out of it. It's been a couple of years now with the suicidal thoughts, chaos, low mood, worsening sh and suicide a etc. Am I making myself stay unwell? It seems to be that I have done all I can but maybe I am just a freak.

*offers hugs* I don't think you're a freak; and I think that you deserve adjustments at work. How did work go when you had three day weeks? Was it better?

Defective? Where'd you get that idea?
Depression and anxiety are illnesses. Long term depression/mental illnesses come under the DDA provision.

My adjustments :
- working away from the public for some of my hours, in the office, to minimise stress.
- can take leave at short notice.
- flexible hours where necessary.
- managers and colleagues informed of how my illness might effect me at work, and of what helps me, and how they might help.
- not having to attend trainings, kept uptodate by my line managers, and doing online training. [but the damn e-learning portal still doesn't work. bah.]
- sick leave connected with my illness doesn't count to sick leave leading to OH referrals.
- splitting tea breaks if really exhausted.
- carefully supported through any changes in the workplace, staffing, building etc.

I think that's just about it!

I keep my managers uptodate with anything that might be effecting me [therapy breaks, being alone at home, that kind of thing]. I have 6 monthly review meetings with the disabilities cooordinator and a senior manager where we discuss my progress and highlight and work through any issues. I'm really lucky that the disabilities coordinator is now based in the same office as me. And that my managers are amazing. It helps that I work for the Council, too.

You're not a freak. It sounds like what you need the most is consistent quality support. I have 'longstanding treatment resistant depression', but even I am slowly getting better, with the support that I have in place.
What might help give your life meaning?

Thanks Katie.

Your employer sounds really supportive. It's great that they can help you like that. Local authorites etc are usually far better at this than private sector - trust me, I know as I have assisted in defending stress at work cases and wonder if public sector workers really appreciate how much more supportive their employers are - sorry, off my soapbox now.

It sounds silly but probably the thing that would make it easier at work the most would be to have my own office (I currently share with a partner) which isn't possible as our department is so busy that they are struggling for space :(

The other big problem I have is when I'm really not able to face people but I have to call them to take witness statements. I want to be able to put it off some days but can't due to court deadlines, etc.

Maybe I should have a think what would be more realistic and helpful.

Spoke to my CPN briefly today. Guess what? He isn't in next week. For goodness sake! Tried to tell him that I want out re him and my frustrations re his unreliability but I think he thought I meant completely out of services. I did tell him that I would be attending my appt with my psych next week. I need to find a way of being able to express things properly re his unreliability etc to her. When he assumed that I meant completely out of services, it hit me - I can't do this without any support. Panicking now that he is going to tell my psych - argh. So stupid. What if I end up without any help? I really can't do this but I really, really can't do this without support.

My 21 year old sister (I have 3 sisters so difficult to differentiate) fell out with me over christmas because I embarassed her when I flipped out because of the stress of the social situation and the voices etc. She didn't text me on my birthday and neither did she let her son, my 3 year old nephew around to see me. She could have dropped him off for an hour. The thing is, we used to be really close because I brought her up really and I love my nephew to bits (the three of us went on holiday together the other year). They used to be my reason for holding on but if she has cut me out already it won't matter if I kill myself, will it.

listen to Katie!!! very intelligent woman!!!
i can offer *squishes*
sorry i dont have more.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

Thanks Rach, I know you are going through alot so am incredibly grateful that you took the time to reply at all.

So, 1 more day at work and I will have managed a whole week and it's been busy. The problem? I can't keep doing the whole fight the next day, etc.

I have an appt with my psych on Tuesday. I want to talk to her re changing my cpn or perhaps not having one although if I am honest not having one at all would not be good. It helps me be accountable knowing I am (supposed) to be seeing them. I always feel as though I am wasting her time though. I suppose I want to ask her whether my mood being this low for so long is just me being down or whether it's depression. She helped me come off the venlafaxine earlier in the year as it hadn't helped, neither did the fluoxetine. My AP has helped stabilise the chaos and reduce my sh but I don't feel it helps my mood. I don't want to sound whiny and pathetic though as they felt it was fine to let me come off the venlafaxine and an alternative wasn't considered - perhaps b/c was started on the AP? Sorry, rambling to get random thoughts out of my head.

so much of what you say resonates for me, i'm sorry you are struggling so much right now
For me having regular contact with my CPN really helps, because she sees when things are getting really bad and can help me to put things in place to help and she can liase with the doctors about my meds to make sure they are doing as much as they can, although i'm not sure anything, for me, will be a magic cure. Could you see about changing your cpn to someone more reliable? or somehow get across to yours that you need more support than he is giving you now? i know its not as simple as all that but seeing someone regularly can really help.
And don't feel bad about making use of the help work are offering you because it sounds like they really want to help you and wouldn't do these things if they didn't value you or want to keep you as stress free as possible.
thinking of you xx

Sorry, is anyone there. Have drunk too much. Want to OD, **** them all. Why do I even try. Might go for a walk on the tracks soon or should I call the crisis team?

You need to call the crisis team. No ifs, no buts, just call them. You need help. You try because you are worthwhile and you need someone to help you through this. Someone with experience who can. You can get through this.

I don't want to call them and sound like an attention seeker. Have taken some diazepam (not prescribed, so from I suppose an illegal source). Want to take some more and more and more. I hung on and got through the week but can't anymore. Sorry to be such a pain!