Not Well....
 

ughhhh....
thats really all i want to say...but then no one would really know what to say to that.

im so incredibly depressed. my sister is ill. shes been taken off work and is having all kinds of tests done. shes really sick and im scared. her body cant hold potassium which is affecting her heart.

my grandma's death right around christmas has affected me more than i thought.

i saw my psych today and she had the nerve to take me off ALL my anti anxiety meds. i called her a few weeks ago saying that i no longer wanted xanax because it was taking more to keep me "calm". so today she tells me that i can no longer have any benzos. she's put me on buspar. ive never had it. if anyone here has....any opinions would be appreciated.

im still going throught tests on my tailbone. surgery is going to happen...im just not sure if they are going to remove my whole sacrum or just the cystic part. im in physical pain and its really getting to me.

ive been thinking alot about my father. therapy is still hard.
im glad i made it through christmas but it was so freaking hard.

ive harmed a few times but nothing serious. the first thing kelly said to me when i told her my psych was taking me off benzos was "does she not know how you'll calm yourself now???" i guess not. kelly is right. i use si to calm myself during panic attacks or just general anxiety. it works. period. if i could find something that was as effective, i would do it. so far, ive found nothing. im really terrified that mt si is going to escalate once again.

my brain is a cluster of so much ****. i cant make much sense of any of it.
i dont know what i want or need from this....but here it is just the same....

i am out of help but I jsut want you to know i'm thinking of you *cuddles you tightly* love you lots and you WILL cope honey. you WILL!

thank you jessypoo.
love you sweets.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

aww rachy, i meant to send you something for Christmas, but i was in hospital the day i was supposed to go get it. grrr... i will try to get it to you before valentine's day lol!
mand x

iknow it sucks getting taken off benzos but it is probably for the best, you don't want to get addicted cause then you get stuck with a whole other problem and you don't want that. i've dealt with a nd got through addiction and it was ****in tough but from what i've heard its harder to get away from benzos than coke. and again it's only what i've heard but i think buspar is pretty affective, you just have to adjust to it. other than that, hun, its sounds like you've had a pretty **** year and i wish you a good 2009. just hold on in there cause when you get through this you will feel proud and as happy as i'm sure you deserve to be

*cuddles Rach*
Sorry it's not more sweetie.
But you'll get through this.
Look at how much you've come through <3
xxx

Rachel, buspar does help. I am so sorry that you feel so bad.
hugs

love you rach xxx
thinking of you

*HUGS*

just want to say thank you....still no better today.

and Manda!!! i dont think i even knew you were in the hospital. im so sorry. pm if you like to let me know how things are.

love you guys.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

thank you.

i really really want to say im ok. but im not.

after almost 2 months free of flashbacks, ive had 2 in the last 2 days. now im in constant fear of another "attack".

kelly is in "something". i guess depression. i need her. i need someone.
i feel incredibly bad.

thank you all for your kind words.
i dont really know what else to say.

does the fear make you more susceptible to another attack?
does it make you paranoid that you are going to have another attack? in that sense do you go someplace else that is worse because you are feeling paranoid/scared and in this place flashbacks are more common?

maybe take each as they come and tell yourself that it probably won't be your last one ever, but you're not going to let them win, you will live your life to the full and if they strike again you will deal with them.

in the past positivity has helped you. imaging yourself as a kind of warrior against illness, someone who would see the light, someone who has seen the light. now try telling yourself that these flashbacks won't hold you back. you aren't going to let them hurt you anymore. you are going to fight them.

love u honey, mand x

How are you doing hun? You have had an incredibly tough time of late, unimaginably so. It has taken real strength to get through everything and I want you to remember how strong you really are when you start to doubt. *hugs*

thank you both.

yes, manda.....its the fear of another and it does make me very scared and paranoid. so far...nothing else has happened.

i feel like total ****. i dont know how to describe it. im having migraines almost on a daily basis. im puking all the time(not on purpose). my stress level has hit the roof. i dont know how to tone it down. i still see my therapist but its a different battle every week.

i havent felt this bad in over a year. its a major setback. i cant ****ing stand it. i want to harm so bad. but i havent. i think i would be lying to you guys and myself if i said im not going to harm. i would also be lying if i said that suicide hasnt crossed my mind more than a few times lately. im frustrated with myself. im frustrated with everything.

i try to force myself back into a positive mode but feel defeated when it doesnt happen. im back to that "i hate myself and everyone else, want to bleed and die" pathetic person.

i simply dont have the strength to fight right now. whatever is happening is just going to take its course and hopefully i'll come out the other end....probably with lots of bumps and bruises...but out nonetheless.

*hugs* take care xx

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emRQrLJyqXU"]YouTube - &quot;Baby Blue&quot; - working through memories of child abuse[/ame]

[ame="http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=NY-ttlyHlsk"]YouTube - Charade - Roxas Tribute[/ame]

more the words than the video.
mand x

Lyrics:
Another day, paints on the face
That they expect to see
It's not all I want, but it's all I've got
To make this world believe
Nothing's wrong with me

I'm an artist of emotion
A master of deceit
And the many faces I portray
Are nothing at all like me
How I long to be free

From this never ending maze
Oh my head's in a daze
Every time I think
From this overplayed charade
Oh my heart's gonna fade
And I can't go on

It's a tug of war, each moment
To hide this pain inside
Or to open up and spill this cup
Of feelings that I hide
But what will people do
And what will people say
When they hear the truth will they turn and run away
Will they throw a stone or lend a shoulder to lean on

It's not fair, I can't take this anymore
All these tears have drifted me to shore
Is there hope for someone just like me
And I hear a voice inside me say
I can set you free

From this never ending maze
I will be your strength
If you let me lead
So just, take my hand and see
If you fallow me
You can be free

You might not have the strength to fight at the moment but perhaps at the moment your great strength is in the hanging in there. All these terrible things are happening and you are still hanging on in there and more so. Yes, suicide has crossed your mind more than once but it isn't constant. Yes, you might not be able to promise not to harm but you can still try not to and if you do, at least you can say that you tried. Just look at the quote above. You do see yourself getting through this and that is a big step. Don't forget we are all here for you and are so proud of you and your courage. *hugs*

Rach is perfectly ok to be struggling with everything that is going on. So give yourself some slack there.

Have you thought of trying other self soothing techniques when your anxiety gets bad? Things like having some me time, a face mask or a massage. something nice to treat yourself with rather than hurting yourself. It might work and is defo worth a try.

a massage may help with some of the pain too - i believe it releases natural endorphins - might be wrong there but could swear i've heard it somewhere.
mand x