just need to
 

get this off my chest
i havent worked for two weeks.
no, ive worked a day and a half
i cant pay my board. i just, dont have the money. and my uncle is pressuring me for it. i think i know why. My mum told me he said to her about our rent going up. that he said he might not be able to afford to live here anymore. i need work. why havent they gotten me more work.
i even decided not to do this Legal Sec course. well, i cant afford to. i dont have any money, let along the tuition. and i wanted to do it so much. i actually, really really wanted to do it. my boss from the law firm said i should do it, because i had a talent for it. i was good at it, and if i did the course, i would have credentials behind me. but now i cant.
i need to work. im such a waste, a useless blob, just sitting here day in day out, doing nothing, contributing nothing
my friend messaged me yesterday. asked how my week was. i saw it as my chance to reach out, and get some company.
so i told her, that i havent worked, that im stressed.
Luckily i left it at that though, cause she replied that she had a severe anxiety attack that day, and her boyfriends mum had a seizure in front of him. god, im such a bad person. she had a dreadful day, and i added to it, because im selfish, really.
last night. my laptop isnt working right, so i couldnt get on the net. i was so alone, and i needed support so much. so i sat there, in my dark room, lit by the faint glow of my cd player, and went one by one through the contacts in my phone.
and anyone i could call, was overseas. there wasnt one person i could call.
my heart hurts, and i have this, nervous feeling, like before an exam, in my tummy every day, every single day for the past week, nervous feeling.
and i just want to scream and scream and tear myself apart.
i dont know what to do

Go somewhere, where you can scream or run or get it out in some way..pls. It's building up and you have to try and stop it before it hits blow-up point...easier said than done sometimes, iknow.
Oh hun...i wish i knoew what to say to help. One thing for certain, you DIDN'T add to your friends 'bad day'..and you are NOT selfish...a selfish person wouldnt think they may have added...wouldnt care...and would have kept telling her all no matter what. You didnt.

Im sorry you felt so alone and that you had no one to talk to. Its horrible when you lose connection right when you need it the most. I hope you are safe now.

Pls keep talking, keep getting it out. You know where i am ok?
pls stay safe luv

luv ya
romp

theres nowhere to go
and if i wanna go anywhere, i have to walk
i wanna just walk and walk and walk and walk and disappear

Dont disappear hunni. We would miss you.
You didnt add to your friends problems. Well done for reaching out.
As for the work, its not your fault that they have not found you any!!
Sucks about the coures, but maybe you can do it another time. Would your employer not sponser you at all to take it?

what employer?
i have no job. my old boss, from, two jobs ago, who had to let me go cause his little firm was broke.
i wanna disappear, but, i think im doing that within myself anyway

Your not disappering yet!!
Your still reaching out, which is great!!
Are you up to working at the minnute?
If so is there no where else you can apply for?

im not working
im registered with a temp recruitement agency
ive been fired from my last two jobs. i dont think im very employable

What abou changing agency?

oh oh come live over here! Even better!

i know i say this alot
but, everytime i start getting things sorted. get on the right track. get some normality back, it falls apart.

I know that feeling. It sucks hun. And its hard. When it feels like someone wants to kick you everytime your getting somewhere. But look at it another way. You got things back on track from the last problem. Which means you fixed it and moved through it! You didnt get another problem while you where down. And at least you can look and say i got past the last thing, i can get past this one.

(sorry for ramble, tis late hehe)

no, things havent been right since
it doesnt matter. but that seemed to signify the end of my life being, well, ok.
i said, if i wasnt ok in a years time, i would just, well, "go"
its been over a year, but i cant help but cling on, even though, its so, bleak.

Which shows that you do still want to live on.
Setting your self a time restrant for things like grieving and being "ok" is not a good idea. Go with the natural progression of things. Sure it hurts, but it hurts less than beating yourself up because you dont meet expectations that you set, that where probably too high in the first place!
Do whateveryou need to get through one day at a time. And take it from there.

doesnt hurt less
which suggests a big problem

im just a big dribbley pile of pathetic pain

you're just someone who needs some extra support right now...
we luv ya to bits hunni, and we are here to listen.
PM if you need ok?
pls keep safe
luv ya
romp

i went to see my friend at work, cause she works right near where i live. i wasnt going to, but i had to see if she was ok after her day yesterday. the first thing she did, said, was look at me, get wide, worried eyes and ask "Are you ok? youre so pale" yeah, im ok "Are you sure?"
Anyway, shes ok after yesterday. She said she didnt realised how stressed she is, and ive been telling her for months that working two jobs, day and night, every day of the week, is too much for her. we're going to hang out on Sunday.
then i came home, and, had a talk to my uncle about my financial situation.
god, i feel like such a disgusting moocher. A leech, tick, or someother blood sucking parasite.
after he left to go see a movie, or something, i just sat in the bathroom and sobbed, cried, bawled my eyes out. i was crying so hard i couldnt breath right, heh.
i want to cut so so freaking bad.
and my laptop isnt working right, and while uncle is home, i cant use this computer. so no RYL for me tonight, or much this weekend, probably.
****, i need someone so bad. i know im not going to be safe tonight, but once i sign off in, half an hour or so that will be it. Alone.
god, someone help me please.

i have to go offline now.
anyone?

Oh hunni, i said this earlier, but emigrate over here:yeah:
Would be a great.:thumbup:
Did i mention i have a thing for accents lol.
Hope things have improved a bit for you hunni.
Try to have a good weekend

im really sorry, this was a **** post to make to begin with.
its been a rough weekend. not for any particular reason, though.
i had a terrifying nightmare last night. i havent had them in months. too horrific. and now im renewly scared of the dark, and closing my eyes and silence and, ugh. i feel like it pushed me back a step on my run from PTSD. hm
but im ok. Thank you
and Ween, no more fish...

i hope your ok erin you know if you need people to talk to me or one of the many others of ur friends we will listen for you...thats what we are for :-D love you so much erin