i fail
 

ok now im truly disgusting, i promised myself i wouldnt cut at cristmas, i worked so hard. and i made it i actualy made it but what did i do at 00:30 on the 26th i cut the worst i'v ever done. i deserve it though, im a slut worst slut ever, im sicck and twisted, im a coward and i deserve the pain. i get why nobody has be able to help, its not that they can't its that they wont they can see me for who i really am, why should they help sombody like me i deserved everything i got i deserved more than i got. i alway thought the world had got it wrong, i had nobody who liked or loved me because nobody could see me but now i know they could see me they could see the real me and that why they didn't like me. i just want to die and rid the world of me but i know it would hurt my mum i dont understand why she would miss me but i know she would i stay for her but i dont want to.i drove into the countryside and screamed and screamed to see if it would stop the screaming in my head but its still their. i feel like im two people one hurt scared little child and one disgusted girl looking at her telling her all the shit she did wrong. (i dont have an spilt personality thing its just an analogy (i think, the distugsted one talk about the other as if she were a diffrent person)) somtimes im one somtimes im the other but both are screaing in my head all the time but for difrent reasons.

i just cant belive i cut at christmas, im so sick.

i just want this to be over any way it can be.

Nobody deserves to feel as bad as you do, hun.
Your mum would miss you and you might not undestand why, because you feel so terrible, but she would and that matters. She's your mum. She knows you, the real you. And she can see something inside you that she loves and it would break her heart if she lost that.
Something made you feel bad enough to hurt yourself and it doesn't matter whether it's Christmas or not - the pain still feels the same. Please don't think that you're disgusting because you hurt yourself on Christmas, because it really doesn't matter what day it is.
Take care of yourself and feel free to pm me if you need to talk.
*hugs*

This might be an unpopular notion..

... but Christmas is just another day. Except with added stress, added tension, added anxiety. It's no wonder you feel so stressed and upset!

You have such nasty words to describe yourself, but I bet that they couldn't be justified. You're certainly not a horrible and disgusting person for cutting on Christmas, not at all.

Are you getting any support for this? I can hear you, you sound so trapped and lost with how you are feeling, and I am so sorry for that. Do you have anyone you can speak with honestly & openly about what you're going through, such as a doctor or counsellor?

Your Mum would most certainly miss you, I am sure that you're very precious to her and that if she did lose you, it would break her world. Please, do try and be strong for her and maybe ask for her help through this?

You deserve to feel so much better than this, and I believe one day you will be able to but you need to be alive to give yourself the chance. We are all here for you, here to help you through this - you're not alone

xxxxxx

thanshun, and part of me now what happen wasn't my fault but the other blames me and shes the one in control at the moment.
im just disapointed becase id lasted 3 days, which is long for me.
wether or not i hadcut at christmas im still disgusting, that just makes it worse.

just reread the post, god i cant belive i wrote all that, sorry i'm going stop talking now. but thanks for repliyinng

You don't need to stop talking - not at all :)

It can help to talk, and if it does, then we're sure going to be here to listen.

Going three days is a fantastic achievement, well done! It shows that you do have the strength in you. What do you think helped you get through that?

Be gentle with yourself, yeah? I have faith in you. xx

thanks amiee, i know its just i day but i promised mysel id not ruin christmas. trust me though the words i used on myself are justified, they really are.

my uni gives you 5 hours of councilling if you ask for it, so i have that but shes not very usful and im not able to talk to her yet, and i cant she her for over a month because of christmas, and the doctor just told me to get over myself and gave me sleeping pills.

i don't even know how i managed 3 days just gritting my teeth i suppose

Your doctor really said that? I sincerely suggest you see another doctor!

What you're going through is serious, not something you should be told just to get over. I suggest you try and have the Uni counselling. Even if you don't like or think they are helpful, it might help you to get used to the counselling a bit more, they may be able to refer you to someone else.

You deserve to feel better than this. xxx

im doing the uni councilling but last sesion the woman told me she had no idea how to help me, she asked me what she should do and then apologised for not being able to help at all. im going to ask her to refer me on i think

:( doesn't even cover it

sorry this is a stupied post but i felt i had to express it somehow. i feel like crap, not as low as lastnight/this morning more flat than that but still basicaly crappy.

my self lothing is getting worse, oddly part of me is watching the rest of me hate myself and thinks its not normal or health. most of me is just disgusted by me.

im not going to cut tonight! i won't! i really don't want to...but i know i will in the end :( i hate myself for doing this but i need to how messed up is that.
i deserve it after what happend and what i did, i deserve the pain, the scars and the worry about people seeing. i feel can never hurt myself enough.

damn when did i get this screwed up.

Please stay strong, you can get through this! If you don't want to cut you don't have to, you're still in control and no you don't deserve to feel the way you do.
I'm thinking of you.
*hugs*

thanks Chrissy, but im not in control anymore, im not strong. im an evil little slut. im a coward, im disguting and i hate her this stupied girl iv become, i dont deserve you to be thinking of me.
help why didn't i stop him, im so disgusting, i really am a whore.
im nasty wrong evil dirty girl i deserve everything i get, i deserve to be hurting like this, a friend told me doesn't hate me tonight, why why doesn't he hate me he should be runing away from sombody like me. nobody ever care when i was worth somthing why do they care now im so broken im unfixable.
i want to be saved from the cold and the dark but i dont deserve to be im bad for even asking to be saved. i shouldn't be writting here im wasting so much space. im sorry i bother anyone whos read all this shit.
everything, everythought, everyfeeling hurts so deep why cant it just end

sorry for that im wasting so much sapce here on RYL with stupied moaning, im so sorry :(

*starts crying* thank you, i was though, i may feel bad now but that dosen't change it i was a sult and a coward. he is my friend because he want to save me like he saved his gf, but he can't, he shouldn't. i deserve this all of this i deserve so much worse

If your friend wants to save you it means that he has faith in you and that he believes you don't deserve to feel like this. You say he helped his girlfriend? Then there is a chance that he'll be able to help you too. The only question is whether you trust him enough to let him try. I know it can be hard, but what do you have to lose?

therre is nothing for him to have faith in, i do deserve to feel like this, i should feel worse. she never really self harmed a lot and she still does on occation i dont know how he helped her but he lives so far away i only see him once every other week or so, and i don't desever his help. i dont trust anyone, i trusted once, never again. i could lose control to sombody else again, iv lost control at the moment but at lest iv not lost it to sombody else

i just want to curl up and die, but i need to stay alive because i deserve to hurt like this

Why do you think that you deserve to feel the way you do? How does it change whatever's happened, how does it make it any better?

i don't know how it makes it better, i don't think it does but that doesn't change it, i failed to bad that night. i was a slut and coward and so i deserve to feel crap now