Not sure how to feel
 

3 weeks ago I was taken into hospital with breathing difficulties, to cut a long story very short I had a massive pulmonary embolism. I was rushed from the first hospital to a specialist one at 2.30 am and by 4am I was being what's called thrombolysed. They said the treatment carried a risk of death but if I didn't have it I was at risk of a fatal heart attack and they were talking hours.
Anyway I had the treatment and thankfully I came through it, I spent a week in high dependancy and a couple of days in a ward. I was home for 3 days then back in hospital for 4 days with cellulitis, an infection in my arm which I needed iv antibiotics for.

As you can imagine, I was pretty worried when all this was going on and god I was so relieved to be alive. Since I've been home the reality of how close to death I was keeps hitting me. Signing a consent form for the treatment was so lonely, only I could decide and I can't shake the feeling. Usually when something overwhelms me I cut but I am on a certain medication and have been told how dangerous it would be to do that as my blood is so much thinner on this treatment. My coping mechanism has been taken away and I really don't know how to deal with things at the moment. On the 1 hand I am incredibly grateful to the hospital for saving me but on the other I almost resent that my method of coping has gone.

I truly do know how lucky I am but if 1 more person tells me to look on the positive side then I think I'll scream. My counsellor said it's natural to feel traumatised for a few weeks and that it's early days. I know I'm at risk of another clot, I thought warfarin stopped them but it just reduces the chances of having 1. This scares me and now I have a cough and cold, my breathing is poor and I am so paranoid the clot is back whilst knowing inside that it's just the cold attacking my already battered lungs.
Sorry for whinging, just wanted to get it out to ppl who I know won't judge me xx

I'm sorry... I don't know what to say... it sounds pretty lonely. Hope you're doing OK and try to rest and recover, it's not 'whinging' posting here, it's a good coping mechanism so do it as much as you like

That sucks!! I'm sorry all that had to happen to you. But I KNOW you'll be able to get through it. You know how sometimes you go through what seems to be the most impossible thing, then in looking back on it, realized it made you look at things a new way? I think this may be a chance for you to find a new way to recover from your SI...and maybe something else.
I just have a feeling that this challenge will turn out to be something that helps you in the long run. But I'm no psychic. :)
Take care, sweetie.

xoxoxoxo

D'Arcy

Thanks guys *hugs*

You're so right about seeing things in a different way D'Arcy. I had a couple of down days but saw the emergency doc yesterday and my lungs are now infected. This is a good thing as I had become paranoid there was another clot, I still feel really poorly but the relief of it just being an infection is great!!

It's not quite the way I'd liked to have stopped the SI but I do believe everything is for a reason :-) Thanks again xxxx

A friend at work had a similar problem to you (including cellulitis) and i must say he is in so much better shape now. He has lost weight and plays lots of sport and he seems much brighter in general. At first when he came back to work he seemed frail and when he caught a bad cough we all thought it was back but his body is obviously much more resiliant than he thought.

Its ok to feel scared and fragile your body has been through a lot of trauma recently and its even worse when your coping mechanism has been taken away but try and use this a fresh start for yourself. Work on the issues about why you feel the need to cut instead.

xxx

Hi Mrs Sam

I'm so glad your friend came through and is doing so well :-) A huge positive from this experience is that I am much closer to my parents. They were there when I had the treatment and visited every day, being around my dad so much simply wouldn't have been possible for me before. I love the picture in your signature xxx