Confusion and self-blame *adult*
 

I think I was sexually abused by an ex. But the problem is I'm always confused about if it happened or not, or if I caused it by not speaking up enough (I rarely said no). Also, I worry that it wasn't really abuse, and that I'm just weird and didn't like the things he was doing, or that I made it up in rage after we broke up. I just don't know.

Recently, I've found myself enjoying sex acts (I have vaginismus and can't have penetrative sex) less and less. I hardly feel like I'm there and I'm often thinking of something else. Twice there has been an incident where my boyfriend pleasured me quickly, without foreplay, and although I wasn't keen on him doing it I let him carry on. Have I learned this helplessness? More importantly, I think that because I let him do it, then I must have caused the previous abuse. I bet if anyone were to ask my ex if he sexually abused me he would be utterly confused and deny it. Also, I think I'm bi-sexual so maybe my recent disinterest in sex is because of that, or maybe that's why I think my ex abused me - because I'm actually gay, or something, and so never enjoyed the things we did. I have anorexia, and since I 'decided' I'd been sexually abused it's been getting severe.

I blame myself completely for something that I'm not even sure happened.

Also, my current boyfriend is into various fetishes and I've been going along with that, even though I've never thought about them before.

I just feel completely numb. I don't know if I like the things we do, but I can orgasm so I must do, right?

Oh god. Someone help me.

there is a lot of stuff here, I can perfectly understand your confusion...


I too have vaginismus... though I am currently working on it and am able to have penetrative sex sometimes...



with abuse it is normal to blame yourself or even be unsure of what happened... an abuser will never admit to what they did and always find a way to turn it round to being your fault, or to make it seem as if you wanted it to happen.
you say that you rarely said "no", so you have any idea why this is? and what happened the times you did say "no"?


your resent disinterest in sex is probably due to your past. for some reason it sometimes like to manifest itself at random times like this...

does anyone know about what happened with your ex? do you have any support?


I can emphorcise greatly with what yuo are saying... I too was in an abusive relationship, and after which for a long time was unsure as to why and if it had happened... I decided that what happened wasn't wrong as I was dating him and so he had a right to do what he did... but that's wrong. if you don't want to do something you have the right to say no, and not to be forced nor talked into it.


this may not make much sense... heads a little all over right now... I will come back later and reply better

Some people orgasm when they're raped. I know I did when I was younger. The thing is that it's a bodily reaction to stimulation, not an indication of whether you enjoyed it emotionally/mentally.

orgasm does not equal enjoyment

*offers hugs*

Thanks for the hugs :)

Yeah, I think I sometimes forget that orgasms are just reactions.

I said no the first time. I made it clear others times that I wasn't enjoying it (crying etc) but it never made a difference.

My boyfriend knows, and my best friend. I told my GP but haven't received any support. I've been referred to an ED clinic and I'm hoping someone there can help me address this too, because I think they're linked.

that in itself should prove that what you went through was defantly abuse... in fact rape... "no" means "NO"


you didn't cause any of this



do you have any idea why you have issues saying no now? esspecially as you "don't know if I like the things you do"... I can understand that saying no or talking about feeling uncomfortable with stuff can be hard... just there are many different reason for it, and iff you can work out why you do it then it may help you to address it

Yeah, I don't really know why I don't say no. I think it's partly because I've learned that it's easier, and partly because I want to please whoever I'm with a lot. Luckily, my boyfriend nearly always recognises when I'm not enjoying it.

Thanks so much for replying. I just need to keep in mind that it did happen and try not to 'make it easier' by pretending it didn't.

I'm like this too, so you're not alone. And we do learn that it's easier on us in the long run if we don't put up a fight because that usually brings more punishment. It's learned behaviour, which (thankfully) can slowly be unlearned.

I hope the ED clinic can help you. Do you know why your GP hasn't offered to refer you for further support with this?

I don't really know. I've mentioned it a couple of times, but never directly asked for help about it. I think I'm a bit scared too, and so much of my energy is going into my ED/ED recovery. What support do you think she'd offer if I asked?

Depending on how old you are, you can be referred to CAMHS (under 18) or Adult mental health services. They should offer some form of counselling/support to you, although I'm not entirely sure as I've not been under them.

I am the same way




i always said i didnt want to end up like my birthmother who was 14 when she had me in 1988 .....*sighs*

so i can understand the self blame and such

that does make sense... I used to do that too, still do sometimes...
but it can be worked on, you have to make yourself say "no" a few times and see that it's not bad, but it can be overcome