I screwed up... (really need advice)
 

I should have never told anyone ever about the abuse my dad put me through. All its done is backfire on me. I was trying to work thru it in therapy, but now I don't see the point.

All the abuse was my fault too... maybe it wasn't really abuse. Maybe I really did deserve it, and if I deserve it, then it's not abuse, it's just dicipline and punishment, right? And that's normal, right? And the only time they ever said they loved me or hugged me, was after my dad had hurt me really badly... so maybe him hurting me has been okay all along.

It sure beats this feeling I have now. No matter how much he hurt me, nothing has hurt more than the phone call from my mom this morning. I wrote her an email, to explain why I really want to have a relationship with her, and why I can't be alone with my dad, why it makes me uncomfortable. Told her the details of some of what went on. I never meant it to hurt her or upset her. And now she never wants to hear from me again.

I took handfuls of pills after... not really sure exactly how many of everything... not enough to kill myself, that wasn't my intent exactly... but maybe if it just did enough damage to shorten my life some, not immediately, but just... so I don't have to hurt for forever... :crying:

thanks...

the thing is tho, she's known about the abuse... this isn't the first time it's come out, she's always chosen to ignore it in the past tho, never fully taken me seriously :( I mean, freakin social services showed up at my house when I was in Jr high.... Of course I had to lie and tell social services that it was all false accusations, because they asked me right infront of my parents, and I didn't feel safe telling the truth.

I'm sort of thinking about making a card (or buying one... but making it myself might be cheaper and it'd take more time and provide a distraction too) and mailing it to my mom- but I don't know if that'd be appropriate, and I don't know what to say... she said she doesn't want any contact at all with me any more, and I don't know if I should try to patch things up, or if I should honor that request.... I just really wish I had a mom to talk to :( Especially since my cardiologist says I may need heart surgery soon... my parents say the doctor is wrong because I'm only 22 and can't possibly have anything wrong with me so therefore must be exagerating for the attention (they also know about the cutting, but think it was a one time thing, and think that I did it just to get sectioned and get the attention- which isn't true, since I was freaked out and pissed off and really upset when they found out).... I'm refusing to have the surgery tho, I've already been thru a couple major surgeries this past year, but heart surgery is REALLY major, and I can't do something like that alone.

Meh... I'm supposed to go pick up my coworker now... she's bored and wanted to hang out, and she doesn't have a car, so I have to get her... sort of sucks since I don't have the money for gas right now... and with it being the 4th and people setting off fireworks, I was planning on taking more drugs to knock myself out, since I get very anxious from all the noise and explossions- I love explossions and playing with fire, but that's when it's just ME doing it, and fireworks are different, I don't like them at all... they're associated with some really bad scary events for me... and I especially hate driving while people are setting them off... but at the same time I'm also feeling very sick from the drugs I've had today, and maybe being around another person may be good for me right now...

"All the abuse was my fault too... maybe it wasn't really abuse. Maybe I really did deserve it, and if I deserve it, then it's not abuse, it's just dicipline and punishment, right? And that's normal, right?"

I say this to myself pretty much every day. But remember, *nobody* deserves abuse. Even if it did start out as discipline and punishment, and escalated into something worse, that's still not acceptable and you should not have been put through it.

I'm not sure what to say, but I don't think your mum meant what she said. Despite the fact that she's heard about it before, getting the real information from you is an entirely different thing, and is probably a huge shock to her. People say things they don't mean all the time. I think you should give her a bit of time, and then maybe email her or send her a letter. Tell her that you still want to be in contact with her; after all, she is your mum.

Please don't give up on therapy. If you were trying to work through it, that's fantastic, and I really think you should carry on doing so. It could really help.

Stay safe.

Kaya. x