Bah...
 

I know I don't deserve your help...but please could I have it?

Gawd, I don't even know where to start. I hurt so much inside, i feel sick.
I have no life in me anymore, no happiness, nothing. I want to just waste away. I want everyone to stop loving me, so when I die, they won't miss me. I feel like i don't deserve anyone's love or attention.

I am sick of cutting myself, truely. I don't want to do it anymore. I just want to stop. But i just can't. It's part of me now. I'd feel lost without marks on my arms. I'm damaged. I make myself feel sick. Im ugly and fat. i have NO self-confidence at all. I hate myself so much, i just want to die.

I can't get the abuse out of my head. I don't believe ive been abused, i feel like ive brought it all onto myself, like i attracted them. Like i asked for it. I can sorta understand when i was 7 and he felt me up and ****, yea, maybe then i wasent to blame. But at 12/14/17 maybe it was my fault. Maybe i flirted with them. Maybe...
At 14, i LOVED that bloke. Did he use me or did i ask him to? I didn't want it, i felt dirty and wrong. But i went back to him cos i loved him so so much. Is that me, letting him? Did I let him? I can remember when

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he went down there with his tongue, and i hated it. I cringe to this day at the thought.

I have SO much anger inside of me, i hurt with every bone in my body. Im so tired, physically and mentally, i want it all to go away. I just want to die. I just want it all to end. I can't go on anymore. I really can't.

*cuddles*
I'm really sorry I'm not upto replying right now but I just wanted you to know I care
xx

*offers hugs*

I know how it feels like when you are convinced that you're the one to blame, but honey I promise it's not your fault. None of it is. Legally and morally the blame is theirs, and I'm sorry that you've had this happen.

Did it help, writing it all out? xx

Yeah, it did. I'm a bit of a wreck now.
:(
x

you didn't ask for any of it, they were wrong not you, I promice that it wasn't your fault.


are you feeling any better now?

Letting strong emotions out can leave you a wreck, I sympathise with that.

Do you see a counsellor/have access to one at all? If you think the time might be right, it would probably help if you could see someone who could gently guide you through healing.

*offers more safe hugs*

I feel so depressed it unbelieveable!, i wish i had the courage to end my life. But i feel so lifeless, i wouldnt have the life in me to do it. I try and see a counsellor but my mind tells me i dont need it anymore.
x

rebecca holds you tightly.
I miss you girlyx

I'm sorry, I don't have a lot of good advice, but I just wanted to give you some cuddles and tell you that you can do this. Things are hard now, but they get better, please try to believe me when I say that. You did not deserve any of it sweetie, please try to believe me I say that too.
Take care of yourself,
*Cuddles*
Lanny xxx

Honey - even though you loved him, what he did was wrong. Even if you'd wanted to and then wanted to stop, he was still wrong. You're not to blame at all, sweetheart.

I hear that these thoughts are playing on your mind a lot, that they're affecting you deeply and that you feel anger and shame over what happened. Expressing these feelings or discussing them can also make things feel more 'real' or leave you feeling vulnerable. Wrap yourself up in a blanket, drink something warm and do something that makes you feel safe and comforted.

What makes you feel you don't need a counsellor, lovely?

I don't actually know. My brain thinks i can cope, but obviously my body can't. My mind blanks out :(.
x

Maybe mentally you are trying to 'deny' what happened, and so you think you don't need counselling or support because by getting that help, there must be something wrong. Does that make sense?

When you say blank out... in what way?

*sits next to you*

Yes, that really does! oh my god, im shell-shocked because that is so true.

I will try to think about stuff - and my mind sorta goes black. I dunno.

x

i love you laura.

Rebecca darling if it helps
send me a pm about things or an e-mail
You know i can cope with alot of stuff.

i remember that time you werte so adament to meet me you paid £40 to get to manchester...
I'll never forget when i rang you to see where you were and you just jumped out in my face lol!!!!

I miss u hun x

I miss you too.
But i'm ready to give up. =(.
x