Christmas Card Inserts - *trig sui*
 

I have recently been receiving Christmas cards from uni friends (I graduated from Cambridge in 2003 so unfortuantely have many high-flying friends) with those little inserts telling me all the fab things they have done this year so I wondered what my own insert would read like:

Well, I spent the first 2 weeks in denial, had a useless appt with my psychiatrist (oh, had I forgotten to mention that in the past). A couple of weeks later when denial was no longer working I ended up under the crisis team – I had a choice, that or hospital. I ended up having time off work for the first time in my life – about 3 weeks.

During the next few months I took “multiple overdoses” and my self harm spiralled out of control. I was transferred from the crisis team back to my psych and was assigned a CPN.

I have been frequently found unconscious in public through excess alcohol. I was sectioned by the police (section 136) and then at the beginning of June was held under a Section 2.

Between mid-May and mid July, I was off work again, which resulted in my training contract being extended.

At the end of July my sister’s husband threw her out of a moving car and at this time he joined the voices in my head and has not left. The voices became too much too bear and I finally told my psych about them in September. Apparently they aren’t psychotic, ust pseudo-hallucinations so it is perfectly fine to keep hearing them and seeing things.

Started on a new med by my psych when saw her in September – an anti-psychotic. It is supposed to help with my impulsivity and self harm .It thankfully helps me sleep as haven’t slept more than a few hours a night for over a year and half at this point.

At the end of September, I qualified as a solicitor. In November, I took a step down to work as a paralegal instead as I am too weak and pathetic and it is still a fight every day to even go into work.

Recently, I have been fighting the urges to OD again but failed to fight the other week and found out that it is actually quite nice to OD on my new med.

What’s in store for next year? Who knows? Will I be here to write an equivalent insert this time next year? Who knows?

Doesn't read too well does it? ****ing freak!

I know the feeling. All of my friends are at uni and have forgotten about me. I sent a card and didnt even get a thanks. I dread old classmates messaging me on facebook asking me what I'm doing, because I can't exactly say "Oh, well, I'm pretty much a professional psychiatric patient" lol.

Well, I suppose at least I can't call myself a "professional psychiatric patient" as I'm really **** at being one :-D

Housemate is out tonight - to cut or OD, who knows which one it will be. The only thing certain is that it will be one or the other, or maybe even both.

Why is it that I can't even admit to them that I am struggling. My best friend from high school (known her since we were 11) said to me earlier in the year that I sounded sad. Even then, I couldn't bring myself to tell her and she would probably be the least judgmental as she was anorexic in the past.

Too proud. I wasn't meant to be like this. Top of school, top of college, handpicked from the oxbridge grads for a special internship at an LA law firm, distinction in post-grad diploma in legal practice, a "rare talent" at work. Who the **** is this person? I know its me but it's not. It's someone else. The person whose life I look in on. I'm just a freak who can't stop cutting herself to bits even though 27 in a couple of weeks. What have I got to show for all that? Nothing. I'm a waste of space. I'm tired of fighting.

There is something inherently unlikeable about me. Have tried to participate in this corner but most of them don't seem to like me. I get it, I don't like me. Thought I would try though.

No no no no.
You're not unlikeable, at least I don't think you are, for whatever that's worth. Your successful past can give you hope for the future, if you let it. You know what you are capable of, but you are being held back by other things. I have no good advice. But I'm thinking about you and I think you can get through all of this if you keep your eyes set on healing yourself...not on how you compare to your friends who may not even be able to imagine the stuff you've gone through.
Sorry if this isn't very helpful...I just could sit here and read your posts without saying anything.
Just know that you aren't alone in this. I know what it's like to feel like a failure when you know you once were capable of better things.
xoxo
*hugs*
Keep fighting.

D'Arcy

Spoke to the crisis team for the 2nd time tonight. They told me to call tomorrow. I don't think I can hang on til tomorrow. Not being dramatic. Just can't deal with this anymore. I'm sorry.

Oh sweetie, no there is nothing inherently unlikable about you *hugs*. For my part, I am sorry to say and apologise profusely, I am rather stuck in my own confusion at the moment... I am SO sorry.

Please take care, I know you can hold out till morning. Try and sleep, morning will come faster that way. *safe cuddles* Please please take care

I can't. I really can't. I told them. Going to go and walk to the tracks and wait and see. Can't fight this anymore. Really, honestly, I'm sorry.

No, you really can. I know it doesn't feel like it, believe me I know, but you can, you CAN. Please do...

I've tried. I've told them, I have but it's as if they don't believe me because I've called them.

Call someone else... go to hospital on your own... the cops maybe? Hun, you can do this, I am sure you can

I'm just a waste of space. Crisis team will call back in 1/2 hour but what difference is any of this going to make? Tired of trying. Sorry.

awwww babes try and keep your head up , your are clearly an amazing clever person , look how amazingly far you have got, getting into camibridge ,i cant even spell that, if u wana tlk u can add me on msn if u like , *huggles*

What happened with the crisis team?

I really understand. I could talk about the ghost towns we've seen on our trips. And then add how my obesity and asthma made it difficult to get around once there. How i'm so agoraphobic that my husband gets me settled into the motel room then brings dinner back. And did i meantion that i'm still chroncially underemployed?

Sorry about spamming your thread. I just so understand.

Thanks guys. Managed to speak to a couple of people at the crisis team who were actually of use and listened. They kept in touch until my night meds kicked in.

Today? Well, I feel so much better. I had a release somehow and it was without taking an OD or getting blind drunk (although did cut a little:ermm: ). I think it was by talking before it got to the point when I couldn't. Do you find when you get to that crisis point and then past it, something happens to ease things? No doubt it will build up to that point again but right now just thankful that you were all there last night.

well done for getting through it - and that's proof that you are a strong and intelligent person.

don't worry about comparing yourself to others (anyway, 90% of what people write in these things is good 'marketing' - you could write one about how the past year has been an amazing step forward in 'self-discovery that's opened your eyes to the inter-relationships of living beings', if you wanted to impress people)

A friend of mine went to Cambridge, and her Uni friends (perfectly nice people) are the most conformist, narrow minded bunch I have ever met. So your path through life is different - and that's a tough thing to do - but you are seeing things that they will never have the guts to face. You shoud be proud of yourself, not beating yourself up.

I really believe that things will get better for you - I say this from my own experience of being an academic high-flyer and then dropping out because of SH etc - and that what you've been through will take you in a direction that is right for you instead of just following the herd.

But I know that it's difficult in the meantime - please try to believe in yourself and keep yourself safe.

Take care - PM if you would like (I ususally only have internet access at work, and there is a time difference with the UK, so if I'm slow to answer it's because of that, not because I'm ignoring you or don't like you)

Hey, glad to hear things cleared up a little bit.
*hugs*

:-) You're probably right, could construct something. Hadn't thought of it like that.

Just need to find the strength now to get through the next 3 days at work. After that, I'm not back at work until early January.

I am glad they helped :) Well done for fighting it. I'm sure you can get through the next three days *hugs*