So Scared
 

I'm starting to get really scared... I don't know what's happening to me anymore.. I think I'm starting to lose my mind...

I just came off of holidays (just over a week) and I'm back at work and I can barely manage it... I used to love work; now I can barely make it through a day without feeling like I'm going to cry, or wanting hurt myself, or thinking of all the ways I should kill myself.

I was trying to recover... but i've slipped up... I don't know what to do..

I'm still wanting to fight; and I will.. but sometimes I just wish I were dead.. it's so hard... and the thoughts seem to be taking over. Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people.

I want to talk to my boss and give him a heads up that I'm struggling personally; and that I'm scared it may end up affecting my ability to work... but I don't know if that's wise. I would love it if someone had some advice... do I give some warning, or just wait for my life to completely fall apart.

I don't know if I'm making sense... and I can't even get out how I'm feeling in words... it just hurts so much... I think the depression is back big time.. and I just went to my doctor last week and felt great... and told him I was doing better... why does it seem that when I'm around other people all i can do is show my logical rational happy side... while deep inside I feel like cutting myself over and over.

I'm sorry; I don't know what this is about.. .maybe someone's listening out there.. i know everyone has struggles.. maybe someone has time to send me a hug... sorry for being needy...

Kay I know I'm not 18, but I felt the need to reply to my friend. I hope you all don't murder me. I have no advice because I've never had a job, but... ILY!!
XxX
Laura

Aww...honey I'm so sorry. I know where you're coming from, believe it or not. (Last week at work, I found myself sitting inside a closet. Just...unable to face any of it.)
Has anything been going on lately that could be bringing this on?

Sending you loads of hugs - not sure about any advice because I haven't got it worked out either... there's no reason to say 'sorry', we're here to help each other...

Can relate to feeling like 2 completely different people, showing other people the logical happy side etc and then locking myself in my office to cry and want to hurt myself.

I have alsways tried to hide it at work as well, but in this job my boss did find out (he asked about my scars and I couldn't be bothered to lie) and has been very supportive. But I know in other jobs it would have been used to undermine me.

How well do you get on with your boss? And have you seen how they handle other people's difficulties?

But as someone wisely said in another thread (sorry, can't remember who but if you're reading this thanks for putting it so well!) you must have gone forward to feel that you've taken a step back. And recovery does sometimes mean taking a step back, that doesn't mean everything is falling apart, just that you need to take care of yourself and get some extra help if you can.

Thanks for the support everyone!! *Hugs*

I am not sure if there has been anything that has caused me to start feeling this way recently; but I will think on it and see if I can find if there was something.... then I can watch out for potential triggers.

I do get along with my boss quite well [we're also friends outside of work] and I know they are supportive to people... i'm just somewhat scared of letting them know... because I don't want to be a burden and because I have a really hard time being honest how I'm feeling...

Thanks again for all the hugs and support; it means quite a lot!

Oh, hugs! I can do this

*massive hugs*

Please take care hun, I wish I had more for you right now...

*leaves some hugs for later*

Thanks for the *hugs* I definitely will use them... i appreciate the support..

as a bit of an update; i did speak with my boss today, and he was very kind and helpful and understanding... i definitely don't want to be a burden, but it's nice to know that i don't necessarily feel that i need to try and hide my feelings all the time..

thanks again for all the support... i'm hoping this cloud will lift somewhat soon.. i can't even think about trying to recover, when i'm just fighting to exist...

*leaves hugs for others too*

I'm glad you were able to talk to him - sometimes just not having to pretend everything is OK is a help. Or if you need more time to get things done etc I hate having to speak in front of everyone in our all-staff meetings, so if I'm having a bad day/week my boss will do my announcements for me...

There's no gap between 'existing' and 'recovering', sometimes when you're recovering you just need to exist and keep your energy for looking after yourself. When you're feeling better you can focus at work/other interests again.

Look after yourself - it will get better again...

Thanks Tokoloshe... i appreciate your wise words.. i wish i had more of a response... but right now all i have is thank you... i really appreciate it.

anytime - PM if you like - like everyone else I'm envious of your horse!