letting go
 

some of you might notice that i deleted my signature. i did this because i can't hold onto her death and keep blaming myself forever. as much as the last argument may have upset her, she had already made up her mind and had already shown that she was very suicidal before the argument had even taken place. i have accepted that she is gone now. she didn't want to accept my help and as much as i did try to urge her to keep safe it was ultimately her decision. i am still dissappointed in myself for the argument and those horrible last words but i have learnt from that. i will try my hardest never to talk to someone like that again especially if they are suicidal, however hard that may be to do. in the end, there was nothing more i could have done to stop her considering that she was more than 1000 kilometres away. i am still sad and still miss her but i cannot keep holding onto this guilt forever, it was doing me damage as well as my relationship with my wife.

for those of you who don't know what i'm talking about, i lost a friend in february to suicide 2 days after having a big argument with her on the phone. :sad:

*hugs*

I am glad you have come to the realization that her suicide was not your fault. I can not imagine how hard it must have been for you, especially when you were still blaming yourself or believing that your argument had some part in it.

Wish I had something else I could say, something... I do not know, helpful. However I am stuck in 'intellectual mode'... not very conducive to feelings and such *shrug*

I am glad you have realised the need to let go. You cannot force anybody to commit suicide, nor can you prevent it if their mind is truely made up. Be easy on yourself, forgive, and live. Your friend wouldn't have wanted you to beat yourself up over what she did x

Oh *cuddles* Take care of yourself. And Ditto to what the others have said!
It was not your fault, sometimes we just can't change their mind. Sometimes they are just too set on it. Just take care and yes be easy on yourself. It's a hard thing to go through though, I know. *hugs*

I'm so glad you can see that. She will have made up her mind and nothing would have changed because she was in that mind-set. You don't blame yourself. I'm sure you did everything you could to support hre.
*squishes*

Hi Nathan, ridding yourself of the guilt you have carried is a major milestone in the grieving and recovery process. You may feel pangs of regret, thats part of life,but you have accepted that you could not have been responsible which is a major step forward, as it was another stick to beat yourself with. Your friend would not have wanted you to make yourself suffer. Take care hun, you know where I am if you need to talk.
*hugs*
Suzanne xxx

Thank you all so much for the lovely replies. I sit here with tears in my eyes afte reading them. I know I did everything I could. I spoke to hospital staff and her doctors on the phone and told them the sort of things she was telling me. She wanted to die and there was nothing I could do. It saddens me that she felt so strongly that she had to die and that she shut me out from trying to help her. It also saddens me that there was nothing I could have done for her. :-(