Punished for being honest about how I was feeling...
 

Hello,

Ok, so I have mentioned before that because of the crap with mental health I have been kind of using the hotlines as make shift therapy untill things get figured out. And most of the time things go without a problem. I talk, cops arrive to check on me and they leave. Last night, that changed because I went and got comfortable. This one cop, Doug has been the guy who has been the guy that has been responding the most lately and for the most part we have gotten along alright. He wasn't a ass and rude to me like cops have been in the past, it was a nice change of pace. He come off one night saying he and alot of the night shift was sympathetic with the situation with me and mental health and was willing to help in any way. Based on that and other lengthly conversations in the past, as I said I got comfortable and decided to be honest. And it bit me in the ass. I told him how I was feeling, which was thoughts of suicide due to the fustraighting situation with mental health, the PTSD symptoms and a few other things going on. He asked if I had thought about a plan. I said well yea I "thought" about it. But it was just a thought. So a few more words exchanged and he decides to take me over to the ER for a evaluation. Something I am very used to lately, don't like it, but used to it. Anyway I get to mental health and found out the 5150 72 hour hold says I was suicidal with a plan, in addition to finding a razor blade on me showing intent to complete the plan. Enough for a hold and hospital stay. So I had to sit there and explain why I had a razor blade (for SI), and about why I told the cop I had thoughts, something I won't do again. I thought me and doug were cool. I figured if he did bring me in ok, say I am suicidal fine. But giving spacifics makes it hard to denie and hard to talk my way out of it. I was hella close to being sent down to Sacramento on a hold. It just pissed me off that he would do that. Turn "I have thoughts" and a found razor blade into "he's suicide, with a plan and a weapon to complete it". It's a big jump from mild to serious. So yea, me and doug are no longer cool now. You just do someone like that. I understand the whole "looking out for their safety, it's the law" thing. I hate it, but I get it. But to take it that far was not cool. Don't twist my words and make more out of what was there.

-Stanley

Maybe doug misunderstood and thought you were holding back and really were serious about implementing a suicide plan?

Just a thought.

I don't think he was punishing you for being honest. Police officers have a duty to make sure you are safe and even though you told him you have "thought" about a plan, I think that's enough to make them question whether you are safe or not.
It is really difficult because it can feel like you are being punished but honesty, they're just trying to help you and do what is right by you.

Firstly i think he is one of a kind. I dont know of any police that would go out of their way to pay that extra bit of attention. I have alot of friends in the force and family too so i know what its like; at least this side of the pond.

sounds like he was doing what he thought best and trying to keep you safe. It may have been a knee jerk reaction but then this guy isnt a trained professional and was just acting upon what he saw and heard.

I think what is forgotten by those with Mh probelms who SH is how quickly we become de-sensitised to the whole thing. "oh its only a few stitches", "oh it was only 50 pills", "Oh it was only a broken knuckle", etc etc. We as Sh'ers my know our limits and to us 5 stitches may seem little knowing we are capable of 20 and so forth but to an outsider even breaking the skin is bad enough. Do you see?

I understand your feeling of betrayal. I can understand feeling hurt. you put your trust in this guy and he seemingly let you down. However, i do believe he was trying to act in your best interest. I think you were quite lucky to find him in all honesty.

I do hope things get better for you.

Take care

Matthew

i think matthew covered most of it. It's hard when you trust someone to think they have broken that trust, but sometimes people have to do what they think is best for you, its not always the best thing but we are all human and sometimes when faced with something like that it may seem better to be over cautious than too relaxed. This guy not only may have been worried about you on a personal level but you have to remember that he has a professional responsibility too. he may have been thinking "what if i leave this and something happens when i have be called to make sure he is ok"

Take care of yourself
Luce x

Hello,

You have a point there, he was doing his job. It is on him if he left and I did something. So I can understand him wanting to cover his butt. I was not angry at him for taking me to the ER to cover his butt. He's done that a few times in the past, and there have not been any problems between us from it. The problem I had, was he knows the system just as well as I do. The most specific you are with your suicide plan, method and if you have any means with you it's more cause to place the person on a hold in a hospital. In the past when he took me to the ER, he just put simply having suicidal thoughts. And that was fine. But he went beyond that, adding that I wanted to cut my wrists with a razor blade (which I happened to have on me) and actually bleed out. I mean in the past it was simply thoughts, now he had a plan, means, and all. How does that look? Makes it very hard. It just bothered me that I tried to be honest, and when he could have still taken me in to cover his butt but simply put the normal "suicidal" on the sheet he added all the other spacifics. I don't think it was called for.

-Stanley

perhaps he was genuinely worried about you? if you've got on well I can imagine that where in the past he was doing what he needed to for 'covering his butt' perhaps this time he did go the extra mile because you do have a rapport and therefore it matters more to him? the result was difficult for you, but it might have been that he really did care

Sorry to hear that you feel that trust or relationship has wobbled a little over this. I can understand your anger/disappointment. A couple of months ago, I was speaking to a member of the crisis team over the 'phone - I've spoken to him before and he has been alright but unfortunately this time round I was having 'phone reception problems and it cut out. I went to A&E as advised as I did have plan etc, however, in the meantime, he called the police and it ended up with my back door being smashed completely for th epolice to gain access to check I hadn't carried out my plans (and it cost me £500 to replace). I suppose what I am saying is, I was angry for quite sometime because I had spoken to him a few times before and he seemed to be someone with common sense, not someone who would overreact. However, he didn't know me as well as the others re my pattern of ODs etc. It is like Matthew said, we become hardened to our thoughts and our sh and so sometimes don't realise how awful/scary/shocking it can be to those who aren't used to it. It sounds like this policeman is really understanding and it would be a shame for that relationship to be damaged in some way. I know it is difficult when in crisis (I'm really bad at this too), but next time just be honest with him but could you also try and explain a little more so that he doesn't jump to conclusions?
*hugs*

*hugs*
Been there. I made the mistake of telling folks that should I really want to kill mysel I would not call for help (hello, how much sense doesthat make?!). :pinch: Barely managed to avoid a hospital stay myself.

Having said that... I do not think that this experience should stop you from seeking help hun. I hope it does not.

Hello,

So it's been 4 days since I last talked to a hotline or the police. However tonight I called to talk. Up pulls a cop and he draws his gun from what I could tell. He had that darn spot light in my eyes. He asks the dumb question if I had a razor on me. He knows I do, I always do. So I told him yea, and he has me put it on the ground. He gets an attitude with me telling me if I know the story of the boy who crys wolf. Refering to me calling the hotlines to talk about being suicidal and the PTSD stuff, but when they get there nothing is wrong. I told him, if I wanted to talk to the cops I would have dialed 911. He was pissing me off now. I told the dude, why go to the ER or mental health? Neither one of them want to listen. Atleast the hotline listens. We both yelled back and forth for a few minutes and then finally he just told me to go home. Tonight was the wrong night to pull a gun on me, that just pissed me off more.

-Stanley

hmmmm