Sq1
 

5 years, 5 years of hard work & there it is all the way back to square ****ing one!

I told Lyns everything – ok not everything, everything but everything I could bear her to know & she said she loved me & all that & that maybe I should see a psych. – she even said she would get another job to pay for it because there is no way we can spare another, what £200 a month. I said it didn’t matter – she said it did.
One thing she did say was she was always worried about my reactions to things – she said she didn’t know what would happen for example if we lost a baby when we started trying – I told her that would break me beyond repair but it would even if I was mentally stable – I thought it was an odd thing to say.
I feel like ****.
I let her down.
We already have door to door 13 hour working days. I can’t let her take another job – I said I would she said no it was her place to look after me.
5 years later I can’t believe I’m back here again I can’t believe in 8 months I slid this far.
I’m having nightmares again
I’m having panic attacks again
I’m disassociating again
All I want is to hide in a dark place & draw pretty pictures in my skin until i can't see myself anymore.
I’ve already failed them so why not?

Deb cant you see she loves you to death? what a wonderful lovely thing for her to offer. :)

Of course shes worried. You have a mental illness that makes you up and down and irrational at times and flip out and panic. Anyone would worry. Its perfectly natural and i think shes asking the right questions.

I think therapy Is the answer. I pay just under £50 for an hour. (was 50 mins but shes taken pity on me -bless) You can contact the MHT in your area and they will have a list of private therapists.

There is the Midlands instutite of Psychotherapy that covers Birmingham and perhaps a little further a feild. Its where i got my contact from via the crisis team.

God this is like the panicy leading the panicy, but your wifey sounds lovely and i think shes asking because its a really serious thing and she wants you in the best possible place to be a mummy daddy or a mummy mumy, depending on which role you take.

Its like if someone had a prolonged physical illness like ME or cCrones or something. You would be questioning their health in regards to this wouldnt you?? Yes Matthew (there i answered it for you)

I panic lots. Jesus i know how debilitating and paralysing it is.

She loves you lots. I can tell.

Dont make me come visit you!!!

Matthew xxx

Deb,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so down. It's good to know that you have someone there who really loves you, it's a very big help. She knows about your condition and loves you for you. Please take her advice and find some therapy? Are you on medications? Maybe seeing your psych for a meds review would be a good idea if your feeling so bad. Are you both working or just her? I think 13 hours a day is too much for anyone, let alone someone with a MI. I know working is important for financial reasons and for self esteem but working like that is going to make you and her break down very soon. I think you need to take it easier for your own health's sake. Can you see a public counsellor if you have them in the UK? If not, can you join a health fund that will cover therapy? Also try to find support groups, they are very understanding and should be able to help you recover. Also try this website www.moodgym.anu.edu.au it's pretty good. It's no substitute for professional counselling but it does teaches coping skills to prevent you from becoming more depressed. I got referred to it by a psychologist and I thought it was very useful.

Hugs to you hun,

Nathan xo