Ageism and Self-Harm?
 

Hi Guys,

I am new to RYL and the Vets Corner

I was having a conversation with my older sister about how I was feeling (she suspects but doesn’t know I SH). She basically said that SH was for Emo teenagers that ‘listen to too much Evanescence” and that everyone goes through a phase like that I should have ‘grown out’ of those feeling by now. That everything will settle down once I have ‘real issues’ to deal with. She was saying this in the context that our family is pretty functional and we had stable childhoods without violence.

I was insulted both for myself as an older person (in RYL terms) who harms and the teens who do.

Is this minimizing/age related judging common?

Does she have a point because my childhood wasn’t particularly messed up and deprived?

Any thoughts would be great...I'm really confused and feel so guilty.

Amy

the answer to your question is --------------------> OH GOD YES!

See thread "Its not easy being a vet...
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...ad.php?t=50215

Unfortunately it appears that you just have to learn to put up with it...

& tell anyone that needs to know that its not because its cool & if they knew you to any length they would know that its not your style to be cool!! :-p

(sorry slightly manic today!)
I hope you find the help you need here my dear xxxx

Ooh not heard the evanescence one before. Its usualy My Chemical Romance *shudders*

What your sister said is pretty much the norml response i would say. Sounds pretty much like the stock "i havent really a clue what im talking about" reply. Blame the kids who wear black and lets be done with it. :P

I guess to the uninitiated self hard is so alien, so abhorrent and so totally wrong. It goes against pretty much everything that is primordialy within us.

A few years ago i probably would have been one of those people who would have pidgeon-holed SH'ers in the same way. This was coming from someone who had/has MH issues for quite some time; and was sympathetic to alot of things.. It was only until i actually "did it" and joined this site after that i got to understand what it was all about. Heh, in saying that im still baffled by it now. :P

When i first typed in "Cutting for Adults" on Google i didnt find a single article about adult self harm. Literaly the only thing i would find would be the odd line here and there that stated that it can last into adulthood. Alas the article was always on Teenage self harm. For months i thought i was a complete freak. I was totally convinced i was the only person over 30 who cut.

It was only when i found this place, lurked for a month and took the plunge to join the loonies that i gained an understanding and re-assurance that i wasnt alone. Thankfully, (and i chose that word correctly) adults are in the minority. Thankfully most do stop at an early age. Unfortunately for those that dont stop and for those that begin later in life there is a huge hole and void of information and support.

It still freaks me out now. However, RYL and Vets make me feel less of a wierdo. There is a comfort in the fact there is no descrimination on these boards toward age. There is also comfort in knowing you aint the only one too.

Sh is hard to understand for someone who does it to themselves. Its even harder/if not impossible for someone who doesnt do it to understand.

Although it is painful to have this "thing" that you do berrated by someone so close to you, take some comfort in knowing that its actually a healthy response to it. Its that kinda of response that keeps many from harm. It may be of detriment to those around, but many do not have insight and many do not have first hand experience. To many its a natural extension (to react in a shocked and dismissive way), to the bodies own natural defense against harm and keeping its self free from it.

Sorry bout the essay >.<

Welcome to Vets. I hope that perhaps you can find some of the understanding you seek on these boards.

Matthew

It's a researched fact that the majority of self-harmers are in the age range of 12 - 29. But there is a small percentage that have continued to harm through their lives and some who started late in life.

I love the evanescence comment *shakes head and giggles* people are so... blind. When you look at the stats - 1 in 10 people will self harm in their lives. That is a lot of people but there is still next to nothing known about it by the general public and even in the professional sector it is looked upon with disdain. We have a client (youth justice) who is a self-harmer and I heard her case worker call her a slasher and I had to stop myself from snapping. But I did tell them it's not nice to refer to it as 'slashing' *rolls eyes*

Just becasue you're childhood wasn't horrid doesn't mean that you have no right to harm. I mean, since when do young people have the monopoly on pain? lol lame!

You have a right to be annoyed but honestly? I'd be more resigned. It's an opinion you will face from lots of people. It's why places like Vets are such a treasure becasue you can come here and know you'll be around people who understand and wont judge. Or you could find some random research (and there is some out here) about self injury in adults and forward it to your sister.

*cuddles* Often self harm is a phase in young people. Places like RYL make it look like it's something that will never pass but that is becasue it's got a lot of people with mh issues all in the one place and stuff. But yeah.

Does that make any sense or did i just babble a whole bunch of rubbish to you :P

*cuddles* don't worry abuot it honey!

^^^well babbled :P

thanks maff!

Yes - indeed that was good babblying or babbleing or babbling - whichever it was well explained.

lol, i'm glad ^_^

I didn't start cutting until I was in my 20s. I later found out I was doing things in childhood which are forms of SH (pulling all my eyelashes out is one I only found our recently, I remember my dad laughing at me).

In my day to day life the people don't openly know (they may have seen but don't say) but when I have heard it spoken about it is the same general consenus - miserable teenagers who need to get a life.

I had what on the surface looks like a great upbringing - stable family, no violence in the home, good school (I went to a poncy private school, my parents thought they were doing the best for their children, i hated that place, it was evil) lots of nice things (horse, own bedroom, lots of nice belongins) but none of that could stop how I felt inside.

I don't think people will ever understand unless they have been there, to them it is against human nature.

Is it OK that I like Evanescece and My Chemical Romance?!! (I have even been to see them)

Music taste doesnt really reflect who you are...I like almost all music!
Also "emo" is a werid term that causes hours of disscussion during media lectures.

*as i was writing this evanescence came on my mp3 :S didnt even know they were on there lol :P*

Hey Guys,

Thanks for all your thoughtful replies.

Yeah I think the thing that got me was her saying that *all* SH is the result of this. I know allot of people phase, but each different experience is valid right? regardless of starting age, reasons or treatment choices?

and I vote that any kind of music is fine too. evanescence is great and by the Gods I didn't suddenly get the idea from them.

Are there any rules about printing posts? I would like to keep this with me when I'm offline (well hidden obviously) is that allowed?

Thanks again..its made avery down week sightly better.

Goto thread tools at the top of the thread and select printable version.

Its your thread and you can do what you like with it :)

Your sister does not know what she is talking about. I ran across this site when I was looking for information on folks who started SI at a later age (I was 22 when I started) than stereotypical http://www.crpsib.com/default.asp . I like it.

It sucks but the good thing is that not everyone believes that it is 'just for Emo teenagers that ‘listen to too much Evanescence”

I am sorry to hear that your sister doesn't understand.

I think, like everyone above has mentioned, that it's hard for someone who hasn't felt the need to SH or hasn't SH'd to understand why people do it.

I know that finding this site, and hearing discussions like this have already helped me out.... it' s nice to meet people who understand, without needing an explanation.

I think that SH results from many different reasons, maybe that's why it is still not overly well understood (including why it can affect people of all ages).

Anyways, I don't know if I made any sense.... but *hugs* to you all!

totally sperate issue but ravnysoul is that your horse as your avatar - very cute? :)

I resent what your sister has said, but on the other hand it's about what I'd expect from someone who has no idea what they are talking about. I once SH'd in the late '80s. Amy Lee would have been in primary school then and emos didn't exist and I hadn't heard of anyone that dressed in black all the time. I didn't really start SI'ing til I was in my early 20s. I do like Evanescence and no, I don't wear black all the time. It's also a stereotype that all emos and goths self injure. It's a real redneck attitude that anything outside of their little box-like view of the world is evil and should be feared.

It is :) That's my horse hulk... he's my baby... very bratty, but soo lovable. :)

I started well before emo as well! Also found over the years that it's something that comes and goes - it's how I cope when things are tough, but in the good phases I don't feel the need. I can sort of accept it like that, although still feel I 'should have got over it' by now (mid-30s). I guess its easier for other people to go with the stereotypes rather than accept that the apparently happy and together person next to them in the office might be hurting so much inside. It keeps it at more of a distance that way.

It can be difficult with mixed memories to untangle it all and acknowledge both the good and the bad. A comfortable lifestyle and no violence can cover up a lot of emotional abuse - and easy to dismiss because it is so subjective.

like you, I had a lot of minimising comments. It's as I get older and see how other people interact, and hear about their families, that I recognise how emotionally abusive my parents were. It was difficult to accept that because I think they did do their best, we had everything we needed physically and they weren't violent. And there are certainly lots of happy memories there as well, I think they genuinely loved me - but they also consistently put me down, my mother used to tell me she hated me and wished I was dead, when I was bullied at school she told me she wasn't suprised the other children didn't like me etc. I don't think they coped well with the realities of having children, and got overwhelmed by my needs so weren't able to meet them. Unfortunately life is more complicated than the books make out...

[quote=Tokoloshe;1248544]

It can be difficult with mixed memories to untangle it all and acknowledge both the good and the bad. A comfortable lifestyle and no violence can cover up a lot of emotional abuse - and easy to dismiss because it is so subjective.

quote]

OMG that's so true. I didn't get physically abused but was emotionally abused. Mainly by bullying at school and in the workplace. I was also emotionally abused by certain malicious young women I have been in relationships with. Having BPD I think I was always susceptibe to emotional abuse. I don't think my parents abused me emotionally intentionally but I was always a distant second to my sister with ADD growing up and my needs were often overlooked or put aside. It's easy to see that everyone is different and there isn't really a stereotypical person that self harms or as Amy says "teenage emos that listen to too much Evanescence".

Just wanted to say thanks again for all your replies to this. It has been a rough time and such thoughtful posts really help.

ravynsoul- your horse is lovely what bread is he? Throughbred?