Sitting in my own home and never have I felt so alone.
 

Sitting in my own home and never have I felt so alone.
Finding a little happiness in drink, trying to blot out the bad..never works does it?

Trying to make sense of stuff. Why Im where Im at now.
Drinking, crying and yet more drinking. Talking a load of nonsense, thoughts going round and round in my head....past is there, the present times barely, the future...there is none

I was loved as a child, I know that. But they wanted too much from us. High standards were set, ones I could never reach. I could never speak out, I could never share, it didnt feel right to. So I learnt to tuck it all away and sob quietly at night. I guess I do that now. I was teased, laughed at by my family too. I wonder how much they would laugh if only they knew that right under their noses i was raped. I was 13. Didnt tell a soul, walked back along the beach in the dark, got cleaned up in the campsite toilets,.....never will they know. I still feel dirty to this day. I should have left with my sister. I should have called out. I should have screamed...I should have done something.

Maybe it was the loss of my first baby.....I used to walk out from work and wander around Ipswich in floods of tears hating every baby and every pregnant woman. It stayed like that un til I became pregnant 3 months later....the baby i almost miscarried, the wanted baby that wouldnt stop crying, the baby I held over the bannister. The baby I cried over, the baby I was teased over, the baby I failed over in my parents eyes. Two more babies.......one with cysts on the brain who we were advised to terminate which we didnt and one who.......it doesnt matter.

My son, the second baby developed cancer at the age of 13. His scarred body and the lack of a shoulder blade is a constant reminder along with the check ups. I try to push it to the back of my mind, but every 3months there it is again.......the check ups, the fears....All those images. the parents coming out of ''that room'' in tears. I just knew what news they had received.....the tears, the footsteps on the floor at night, the glow from the pumps dishing out the chemo....

Watching my Mother saying goodbye to Dad as he went for his quadruple bypass op.....i felt so huimbled and priviledged to see how much they still love each other, how brave they were. How we passed the time using loo roll as paper for silly games to while away the time....I was allowed to see him just after the op and the first thing he did was the very last thing my grandmother did......he winked at me to say he was ok......my grandmother had winked at me to let me know she was comfortable with her death

Cant write anymore. Dont want to write anymore. Have tears.

What I cant do, which is what my counsellor, doctor, psych nurse and psychiatrist have said to me is to sweep it all under the carpet..
quote, unquote.....the past is in the past!! Ofcourse it is........but it isnt in my head. Its all as if it was ****ing yesterday. Its all so fresh in my mind its as if I could still touch it, smell it, feel it, live it.......

They just dont understand, noone does, noone ever will
And right now I just cant take much more of this
*Cheers* as Rowie drowns herself in drink sitting in her lounge, on her own as always.............**** LIFE!! **** LIVING!! **** IT ALL!! XX

sorry....
 

Im sorry....wrote quite abit there didnt I?
Dont bother reading.
Not much point really.
Wont remember in the morning anyhow.
Maybe the odd scar or burn will remind me of tonight

Noone who cares for me or understands me, except maybe my doctor, he knows how bad this has become

Nothing more they can do. The psychiatrist even admitted that the effexor and mirtazapine arent working for me but theyre too scared to take me off them incase I get worse.
Do you know what that does for me? Tells me there is no hope.

The hospital stay of 4 weeks didnt help me, they said it made me worse.
Do you know what that does for me? Tells me there is no hope.

Its not a good place to be when you feel **** and know that even the professionals cant help.

Hun I don't know what to say...please take care of yourself...easy on the drink hun.
*hugs*

I could
 

maybe a longer stay in hospital (ie until they find meds that work) would help?

maybe a different style of counselling?

clutching at straws here....but this is normal, you weren't born like this...something must be able to correct it. mand x

could things possible get any worse? really? if you have nothing to lose then tell your family everything starting with tim.

maybe it might help. don't be afraid of trying something that could help you get better. mand x

Why?

Why when events have had such a huge impact on your life do they say ''the past is the past, brush it to one side and move on''

Im offended by that. It trivialises what Ive been through, makes it seem like nothing has happened.......or nothing significant. Almost as if it was nothing.

I want it there with me. I need to feel the pain I went through. I dont want to let go of it, it has become part of me. It is me. Its what now makes me who I am. Its what I am now. I cant toss it to one side as if it doesnt matter, as if it never happened. I cant do it.

Telling Tim all isnt an option Mand.....I just wont go there with him im afraid. Thanks anyway x

my dear rowie...
i dont have many words.
but i do know what feeling so alone is like.
im so sorry you are in so much pain.
i love you very much.
you always know where i am.
xx