That time of year again
 

So its that time of yea again, that stupid horrible time when everything gets ****ed up and twisted because of something that happened 4 years ago now, i just want someone to understand. Everyone thinks that the "anniversary" is no big deal. Its huge, its like going through it all again every half an hour, i can feel him, i smell him, its like he's here on top of me again, i want to rip my skin off, i need to get him off me and i cant. I feel so dirty and disgusting. Everyone thinks its easy enough to just relate this time of year to something positive, like its stupidly simple to just forget about it. I cant stop shaking and crying, and i feel so alone with it all, no one cares that im feeling like i need to scrub him off me. He needs to be burned off or cut off or something. I just need a hug, i need someone to say that its ok to feel like this, but no one is, my best friend just keeps saying theres nothing she can do. I feel so dirty and disgusting, she wont just hug me and say its all ok and that shes there, shes making me feel more ashamed and dirty.

Im sorry im being really selfish, Im just a stupid big mess, making a big deal out of nothing

youre not being selfish, you deserve help and support so dont apologise for posting. it is okay to feel how you are feeling, and is perfectly understandable given what uve been thru ..are you having counselling atm? cos it could be helpful to help you work thru ur feelings about the anniiversary...please pm me anytime u want to talk:) take care *hugs*

*gives hugs and reassurance* It will be okay in the end. And it's perfectly normal to feel like this honey, you're not a freak or dirty or disgusting or anything bad, I promise you.

You're not making a big deal out of nothing; it's something horrible which happened to you, and anyone would be affected by it still. I know it feels terrible right now; is there anything you can do to try and take your mind off it/relax a little? An activity that calms you down (colouring, watching a favourite film, a relaxing bath?) might help, or alternatively another way to get those strong emotions out in a (healthier) way than self harm - maybe beat up a pillow, or hold ice cubes or draw on yourself in red pen where you want to cut? I sometimes find that scribbling on paper with very bright colours helps a little if you choose the colours you're 'feeling'.

*gentle cuddles* please take care of yourself sweetie; you've been through enough, you don't deserve more pain because of what he did I promise you. xxx

Thank you so much for the reassurance, im just struggling with this, im not having counselling, i had it for a little while but it didnt work for me, i swapped counsellors a few times, so decided to stop it and go back to it after a bit of a break, maybe i should go back to it. I just dont feel ready to talk about it but at the same time i want to be able to in general and not b made to feel like im being a burden. Its horrible, i feel like its happening all over again and again. I can physically feel it and smell him i just want to go to sleep and stay sleep for a couple of weeks until this whole thing is passed

Thank you for your support xxx

I know how hard anniversaries can be, and I don't expect you to "be over it" or able to cope with it. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened, all that matters is that it did happen, and it obviously has stayed with you. But I want to stress how the word 'did' is in the past tense. In the past. And although that doesn't make it much easier, it should help you realise that it's not going to happen this time around.

It's alright that counselling didn't work for you, it doesn't always work for everyone. And it's alright you feel you can't talk about it to anyone, but do you think that maybe talking about it will help?

If you don't feel up to talking to someone professionally, a friendly ear can always help. Don't hesitate to PM me if you want someone to listen.

Take care of yourself,
Sarah x

I would suggest maybe trying counselling again if you think it's a good time for you; I know it can take a while to find the right one for you (the NHS played hot potato with me for a few years before I found a private one) but the benefits are numerous, and having somewhere safe to talk about painful things has been incredibly helpful in my recovery.

You're not alone in remembering vividly what happened to you. I still struggle with it 12 years later, so don't feel like this is abnormal or anything. Keep posting here, we'll listen to you about anything =), and remember that you're not a burden at all.

xx

Thank you all so much, its so nice to be able to come here and not feel like im being a burden. Or that im over-reacting and making something out of nothing.
I just want my best friend to listen to me, i dont need her to fix it or make it better, i know she cant do that and i would never ever expect her to. Id just like her to listen, and acknowledge that this is a huge deal to me and is not something i should or can just ignore, even tho she seems to think thats what should happen

xxxxx

Why not tell your friend exactly that? It sounds very reasonable. I know it might seem obvious to us that we don't want our friends to fix things, but one of my friends skirted round the issue a lot until I actually sat her down and explicitly said I'd told her because I trusted her to listen, not because I needed her to do anything drastic like fix me. People can misinterpret our actions easily.

xx