RYL Forums - no more

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- - no more (https://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73594)

I haven't been on for awhile. Things have gotten worse. I can't deal with it anymore. I may fail a class, I may not be able to graduate on time. I fail, fail, fail, fail, fail. It just keeps cycling around in my mind. Nothing is right anymore. I called my mom but she just kept giving me a list of things I needed to do. Call a shrink, call a doctor, call this person, I'll call that person. I can't even get off my ass to go to school, how am I going to sort my life out. It doesn't matter anymore. It matters less and less. My parents make my life hell and I'm 20 and out of the house. I always wrote long diatribes about my life and my situation on here hoping somebody would read them and give me the answers I needed. There are no answers, there is no cure, there will be no shift. I'm here and I'll be here forever and even with all the drugs and therapy and coping mechanisms in the world I will stay here. Stay in this worthless pit with no way out. And now it matters less. People can read this--I still sort of hope they do--but they probably won't and I know that and I don't hold it against anyone. I just wanted to get my story out, thinking foolishly that someone might be interested. But there isn't any need for that now. I see a glimmer of a way out but I can't take it. They want me to keep suffering, keep suffering, keep lying and waking up sobbing and not sleeping at all. The number of people on this earth who give a damn about me is rapidly lessening. I've been staring at the suicide hotline number for about 20 minutes wondering what will happen to me if I call, and what will happen if I don't. I just want to go back to sleep.

I know that at times it can feel as if you're hit some sort of stalemate and nothing will ever change, but that's just not so... some times are bound to be harder than others I'm afraid, but that doesn't mean that you should give in.

do you have any support network at all? someone other than your mum who you can speak to?

people do care and people would miss you. the amount doesn't matter, the fact that some will does.

as hopeless as things feel right now they won't be this way forever

sweetheart the only time you will fail is when you give up trying. as long as you try you cannot fail.
if things are getting hard then i have to agree wtih your mom. contact your doctor and explain how things are.
sometimes we just cant do things on our own .
you are only human - dont be afraid to reach out for help

*Wraps you into a gentle hug and gives you cuddles*

I did read everything you wrote and I truly care.

I agree that you aren't a failure. There is a difference between failing a class, making a mistake, not being able to do something because you are hurting and being a failure. Would you call me a failure because I couldn't stay in school or had similar problems to yours? Would you treat someone else here the way you are treating yourself? Honey, I know you wouldn't. You have a great heart. You are SO hard on yourself, allowing yourself no self-care or compassion- the same care or compassion you would give to someone else if they fell down, were hurting so deep, and were going through what you are. You deserve that care, compassion, and support just as much as the rest of us.

It seems like what might be going on is that you are not only frustrated with yourself, feeling hopeless and unable to keep up with what you want to do, but you are also overwhelmed with even trying to sort out your feelings and get help for yourself. It does sound overwhelming hearing you talk about it.:crying: I'm so sorry that this is so difficult for you right now.

*hugs*

Take it easy, just one step at a time. You do need the help and support, the care of a doctor, and everything else/every resource/any bit of help that can come your way.

The hard part it seems is sorting out what you want to do to make things manageable right now. You know, if school is too much, you can take a break or cut back, that doesn't make you a failure, that means you are taking care of yourself and that is what you deserve. You can always take on more once you have gathered some strength and given yourself some time to get a handle on your emotions. There is no shame in that. If there was then I would have to be ashamed because I had to do the same thing when I was in a similar situation and I realized something had to give.

Whatever you have to do to take care of you, to make sure you are ok, that you get what you need to start building yourself up and out of that dark hopeless place, is what you should do.

I care about you and I know so many others here do as well. I wish that I could do more and that I could be there with you or I could take some of the stress of pain away, but I can't. I can only tell you that there is still hope. You won't always be in the dark. You can do it. You have all of us behind you and supporting you...caring about you.

If you want to talk about things, vent about what is going on, if you feel lost, are struggling, please keep reaching out here. Private message me anytime or email me if you need/want to. I'll be here for you as much as I possibly can.

Please hang in there, try to be safe, take care of yourself, and above all- please don't give up on yourself.