are relationships really worth it?
 

I’m conflicted…


Once again, yes I am moaning about my relationship… but this time I am just sick and tired of it… I just don’t know what to do… on the one hand I would do anything to make this work… absolutely anything… but in the other part of me is fully aware that we may both be better off apart…
Though we did get a new flat next week… due to move in on the 28th… and I do love him… starting to wonder if he loves me though… I think that I’m loosing him anyway… I am trying SO hard… I know I have problems, I know I can be “clingy” at times, I know I can be paranoid at times, and I know I can be really annoying… but it’s not like he’s prefect either… no one is… but other than the lying I don’t mind his faults, in fact some of them despite annoying me I even sort of miss when he’s not here…

I am trying… I’ve started counselling… I’m giving up cutting… I’m going to see a doctor next week to see if that helps… I’ve started an anxiety diary… I’ve stopped asking for specifics of where he’s going or when he’ll be back (I still like to know, but not as bothered if don’t get told)… I’ve stopped reacting (as) badly to him going away and to being alone… I’ve tried to encourage him to go to societies and things as he moans that we don’t do enough separately… I’ve got a job so that not only am I out more but also I’ll have an income and so won’t have to relay on him financially so much…

I’m also kind of sick of being the one to do everything… I cook, I clean, I’m the one who looked into and rung up about new flats, if he wants time alone I’m always the one to go out and do nothing for ages when he could go out and I could do stuff at home just as easily, etc.

I’m in no way blaming him completely… we’ve both made mistakes… I’ve made some massive ones… but the thing is he never tells me if I’ve done wrong until it’s basically too late as it’s annoyed him too much for me to fix… and honestly, as stupid as this may sound, I often really do not realise that I have reacted “oddly” or overly or whatever… with anything and everything I either don’t react at all or react MASSIVELY… and I know I do hold a grad over things for FAR too long… but I’m really trying to stop both of these things… REALLY trying


Here’s the main crux of this though… is it right to lie to someone? Especially someone you love? As far as I’m concerned its not… but according to him lies are normal, in fact “healthy” in a relationship… he says they are required as the 2 people have separate lives and are not one entity once a relationship starts… but I think lies are not needed, you can still do things without the other person without lying…


Basically the rest isn’t important to me; I don’t mind it 99% of the time… but the lies and secrets… I can’t cope with them… I really can’t… I’m not even sure I can trust him anymore… and I can’t cope with the concept of being unable to trust the person I love… I find trust so hard… it took me so long and so much work to be able to trust him in the first place… and now it feels as if that’s been dragged from me…


I need to know how I can prove that I’m trying… to prove that I am serious… to speed up my changing, if that’s possible… I need to show him evidence… I know he won’t stay around forever, and not sure how much longer I have to fix things…



I love him... and he's help me so much over the last couple of years... but I think I'm loosing him... and I just don't know what to do

i am in a similar position to you in my relationship- if i knew how to fix it i would tell you, but as i dont all i can do is offer my thoughts and what i can relate to.

i have the 'i would do anything to make this work even though by the looks of things its nearing the beginning of the end' feeling all the time. basically how ive started dealing with it is by stopping. and its hard but worth it if you want piece of mind. stop doing the things that make you feel like he doesnt love you and like you're putting in all of the work in the relationship. when you cook, just cook for yourself. when he asks for time alone, if you dont fancy going out that day, say to him 'ok then, have fun wherever you go, ill see you later'.

as im in that position i cant say if it really means anything but it does make you feel better and more equal rather than feeling like the relationship is based on how high you can jump every time he clicks his fingers. if you want equality there is nothing you can do to force him to make more effort, so you have to make less. basically.

can also relate to the not being told if ive done anything until its too late. all you can do there is tell him that you need him to be more open rather than just letting it build up and then lashing out at you. again you cant make him do that, all you can do is say how you feel and then learn to shrug your shoulders if he does it in future. because like you said- its too late, theres nothing you can do. its in the past, all you can do is remember not to repeat it in the future.

the lies- thats the one difference between our situations. if he started lying to me then it would be over because you cant have a relationship without trust. if you dont feel you can trust him and he doesnt feel he can trust you enough to tell you the truth then all the relationship will do is feed and justify your paranoia and pessimism.

and get the whole idea of proving yourself to him right out of your head. from the sounds of it you're not the one who has to prove anything- you're making all the effort here as it is.

i just wish he'd tell me stuff...



for example... yesterday he text me saying that "we'll talk when he gets back", so I canceled what I was meant to be doing this afternoon to see him instead. then he didn't turn up, nor even tell me he'd be late... I rung and text him but got no answer... then once finally got in touch with him he said he's just got to the uni and would ring me after his lecture... could he not have told me that before I'd waited about for an hour????


I know that's only a little thing... but it's irritated me... especially as I don't get signal inside (and he knows this) so stood outside in the rain trying to contact him for an hour... so now not only not doing what I'd planned but also wet and cold

I would be asking questions about where the relationship is headed if he's proving to be untrustworthy. The way I see it, if you lie and hide secrets from your partner you should expect the same in return. Maybe this is all wasted love on your behalf if you seriously feel that he does not love you. You need to talk to him about this and tell him that you want some honesty if it's going to work. But if it doesn't there is no need to fear getting into relationships. You can't judge every relationship but what happens in the bad ones. I used to think the same as you. I questioned if they were worth getting into and I seriously doubted that I would ever marry. Now I am married, I met someone who changed my outlook somewhat. I do say somewhat because I still feel that the majority of people in the world are no good, malevolent and evil. Most of the girls I had been involved with before I met my wife turned out to be very malicious and really didn't give a damn about how I felt or how much I loved them. They cared about themselves and did what they wanted without considering how much their words or actions may have hurt me.
I hope that whatever happens that you can be happier soon. You don't deserve to be treated so badly if you are being loving and honest to him.

I hope this helps you.



Nathan

I just seem to have a habbit of getting in to difficult or destructive relationships...


but I really think this one has a chance, I really do want i tto work and I really am trying... we had a long talk last night and I'm feeling a bit better about the whole thing now, but still not 100%

Here’s the main crux of this though… is it right to lie to someone? Especially someone you love? As far as I’m concerned its not… but according to him lies are normal, in fact “healthy” in a relationship… he says they are required as the 2 people have separate lives and are not one entity once a relationship starts…

What is he lying to you about?! A relationship needs to be built on honesty if it is to go anywhere. Sweetheart you know that this isn't right yourself.

he has now promised to be more honest with me... think I finally got accross to him how much it bothered me...


basically he'll go somewhere and tell me he's going somewhere else, or say one thing and do another... or, just not tell me anything until he absolutely has to... like last week when he knew on monday he'd be going way but didn't tell me until thursday

Im sorry to hear things arent going so good. Its good you are talking about it now though. Lies are no good in a relationship at all. If there is no trust, there is nothing. It seems to me that you are going out of your way to make this work but he isnt putting in any effort at all.
I really hope it works for you but only if he treats you with the rspect you deserve hunniexxx

thing is I do sort of understand why he lies about these things... I can be a little suffocating, etc. at times... and think he's doing it just as it's easier than telling me the truth of he wants time alone or whatever... but I still don't think it's needed... for a start in the long run it just makes things worse as it gets me paranoid about what is or isn't the truth... I've explained this to him though and think he may understand now...


I just wish he'd talk yo me, and tell me what's bothering him when something's wrong rather than running away or avoiding me

All lies are bad to a relationship but you have to consider the severity of these lies if you can work things out with him at all. Does he lie to cover up going to the pub with his mates or putting money on horses? or is it more sinister like going to an ex's place when he claims to be at work. If the lies are anything like the latter it's probably best to get out of it before you get hurt any more.

no the lies are defantly not like the latter...


I do understand why he lies to me at times (though sometimes it does seem really un-needed) but I guess I just have huge issues with lying... I mean I bearly ever visit my parents, not because I don't get on with them, but because I cannot cope with all the lies in that house... maybe I jiust over-react about lies...

I really know where you are coming from and feel very deeply for you.

Sadly I don't have the answer either.

My other half sounds like he has some very similiar habits to yours and they can be very hard to deal with. Even when they know you have a need to know things (not really how I want to say that but the only way I can think of) they still don't actaully do it.

(Don't for a second think that your distrust is as well founded as mine turned out to be). He needs to realise that your psychologial make-up means you have certain needs, there is nothing wrong with this, sometimes I wish I could just shake people and make them realise doing some very small things (saying when they will be home, not making a big deal of a over-reaction which is part of your nature, not caring that you are being a bit clingy) are not a big deal and that they would make your life a great deal easier (and by doing them I often feel that we would find it easier to actaully stop doing them).

Men often just don't think, they go about their lives and don't think too much about others (just my personal experience - I know other people who have had different ones). They think that if they don't talk about things they will go away (maybe I just pick duff ones).

I am very sensitive and generally over-analyse everything until I find something wrong and finding someone who will deal with that is virtually impossible.

I really really hope that things work out for you and hope that your new flat is fab.

lots of love
x

I don't know your situation but I don't believe there is ever any excuse for that kind of lying. You should be seriously questioning his commitment to the relationship and to you if this is the case. If he's playing around you don't deserve that at he should be up front with you about what he's doing. If it were me, I would be getting rid of him now before you get even more hurt later on. I'm sorry that things seem so crappy right now.

*hugs you*

Nathan xx

well over the last few days I think he's proven his commitment...


thing is I know that I can be hard to live with... and on top of that he's going against his family to stay with me... so due to both of these things maybe I should "cut him some slack" as it were...


I don't know... all I know is this is easily the best relationship I've ever been in, but as both o our parents hate the other person it's a hard one to keep going (without factoring in my unstableness/psychology)



my student loan has finally being sorted :)
and despite a HUGE panic yesterday (his mum was refusing to be a guarantor if I was going to be living in the same flat as him) we have our next flat sorted, move in on Friday

so maybe as those 2 huge stresses are dealt with things will now get easier

So glad to hear some good news.

My parents (probably quite rightly) hate my husband and his family have never bothered about me (one of them actaully called me fat to my face - I am no skinny minnie but do you say that to people, really?!) I think in-laws (whether married or not) are very hard to deal with.

xx

I kind of wish our his mum didn't hate me... and that my famly didn't dis-like him... would make life so much easier... but doubt there is much I can do about it


in an odd way... it's kind of good to know that other people have in-law issues too... not that i'm glad that you have them, just that I'm not the only one

You are deffo not alone with that issue. It does not make life at all easy (going to their house knowing they would prefer me not to be there was never fun) especially when you have done nothing to them. My husband is an only child and has been married before, I get the impression his family are looking for a saint whilst he wants someone who is a saint in front of them and wild the rest of the time - hello, I'm might be a bit mad but nobody's personality can do that!