I'm so f*cked up.
 

So I would like to die right now. Please? I feel so ****. Melbourne is a horrible place :( So many people and they keep touching you and it was melbourne cup week so it was FULL of drunk ****ers. I kept having panic attakcs thinking i was seeing my psycho ex boyfriend. I don't know how mnay times I almost took that final step in front of a tram or a train. I ****ed up friends. I made people cry. I just ****ed up. Becuase i have a personal loan as well as my car loan by finace is mad becasue he says it ruins our chances of getting a house and he's pissed off. I TOLD him about it. I DID! I told him ages ago when i was planning on getting it. He didn't listen. He never listens! I'm so ****ed up. I want to cry and cut. I cut in melb on my leg. bottom of my leg. I don't remember doing uit. ****! I feel like ****. *cries*

i know how hard the trip was for you.
you were so strong.
and you made it.
jess. your so so strong and sometimes you just cant see that. but i know you are and i just know you have the strength to fight this.
you didnt **** up your friends!.
i dont remember you making anyone cry either!.
jess i love you so very much.
and your so strong.
im here for you.
xxox.
anna.

Jess hunni I am so sorry you are struggling so much *hugs*
Melbourne is a horrible place but you were so brave and strong and were there for everyone, even when you were struggling yourself which just shows how great and courageous you are!
You are amazing and I am so glad to have met you...I miss you already!
You didn't **** up anything or anyone sweetheart, not at all! You are such a beautiful person, I really wish you could see what we all see!
I am sorry about your situation with your finace, you two will sort it out, He loves you, we all love you hunni
*hugs* xox LOz

Ahh you guys are sweet. I was so glad to meet you btoh. It was lovely too see you and meet you and that waspretty much the only good thing. Gah.

Anna, I made sophie cry.

I'm tired and not able to give a proper reply now but I'll give one tomorrow (today?)

I just want to say that I'm really sorry things are tough for you right now. I care about you a lot. *cuddles you* I'm always here for you.

Jess hun. . Im nt an aussie but my grandad isamd also hates melborne and im not joking. Whilst u ha been gone i have missed u so much. u havnt fuked up. U had a tiny tiny slip up. Oh wel so have i. . .u wil get back on track and b back to the old jessie. . . Ur fab and i dnt no wat i wud o done if i hadnt started talkin to u. . . Love youu jessieee. X x

I hate myself. Sorted stuff with anthony. otherwise i woudl have cut alreayd., i ahve blades round somewher! i think. cant remeber. haha talking to freind on msn and i'm concentrating so hard oon not showing how not there i am rightw no. ack my head hurts and my chest keps flityering. balh.

I was always under the impression that Melbourne was supposed to be lovely. Oh well.

Sorry you felt crap. When panic sets in even heaven can become hell.

I know how much you were looking forward to going. I know too that when something is built up so much that dissapointment can be blown out of all proportion.

You're not ****ed up. you're just a bit of a spaz :P

When the mist settles look back at this and see it for what it "really" was and learn from it. Use it to make you stronger and use it to work on those areas that perhaps you thought were in less need of attention than they are.

Much smelling

Matthew xxx

I love you Jess.

I don't have many words right now but I DO. I'm glad you got stuff sorted with him - it was probably just a simple misunderstanding that got blown out of proportion because 1) he didn't listen and 2) you were already worked up.

Take my picture to bed with you again. I'll snuggle you all night :)

x

Melbourne is lovely. There are just.... so many people. They keep touching you and you get bumped and hit on and just blah all the way. Plus i kept thinking i was seeing my pyscho ex which made it really hard >.<

Thank you both *snuggles* i love you too chelsea bear. My kitten decided to sleep on my head last night... and then this morning she knocked everything she possibly could off any flat surface so i woke up a little grumpy! haha

I'm a tired Jess! Hopefully today is a good day though. :)

thank you

Sorry hun not much to give right now but *hugs*. You got through it and you are soon to be married. Try and focus on that. Please stay safe.

I promised a better reply today and although this isn't likely to be much better, I thought I'd give it another shot.

It's horrible when the panic sets in and suddenly busy places seem just full of people and you're being jostled and bumped around and your personal space is constantly invaded and you don't feel safe.

It sounds like things just became too much and were taken out of proportion. I really hope you feel a bit better now. I care about you a lot and if you ever want to talk, I'm here.

im so sorry Jess.
i dont know how to help right now.
please know im always thinking of you....im a stalker :P
please take care of you.
love you bunches.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you Rob, same goes for you too okay?? I could even stalk you on facebook :P

Rach, you can stalk me anytime :-D

love you guys. thank you

hey Jess, hope you're ok
sorry things weren't good in melbourne
*lots of hugs*
xxxx

I don't have any words Jess.
Just, you are far more strong and beautiful than you give yourself credit for.
*hugs* take care xx

ahhh you guys give me the strength i need right now. I know one thing for certain i can NOT slip again. I'm starting to want it more than I did before and i'm starting to step back into a place where i do NOT want to be. No more. no no no nono!

Hey gorgeous, I'm so sorry you had a bad time in Melbourne. I don't want you to do anything silly hun, you got to keep fighting those urges to hurt yourself. Like everyone here I love you to death and you know I'm here for you. You have my number if you ever want to talk just let me know. Even if your short of credit, just text me and I'll call you because I'm on one of those caps.

Melbourne is a crappy place even at the best of times. I wouldn't be able to go there without freaking out either so don't feel bad about that. And I know your not ****ed up. I have known people that are ****ed up and I can assure you that your NOT one of them.

Sorry to hear about the finances. Maybe you could try talking to your partner when he's not so annoyed and in a better mood. I'm sure you can both work out something. I know how much financial stress sucks. My own credit rating is ****ed up too and I doubt that I would ever qualify for a home loan, well not anytime in the near future.

Like I said hun you know where I am if you ever want to talk. Please be kind to yourself sweetie, you are beautiful and precious.

massive hugs,


Nathan xo

thanks nathan! that's sweet. i'm fine anyways. don't worry about me. i'm good

fighting with anthony. hes stil snot lisrenign and then yeling at me cause of it. l my fualt. i dont kwno i f i'm coming home tomorw. dont kno. dnt giv a ****.