Rage, destructiveness
 

I can't explain it. It's been boiling and brewing for a couple of weeks now and for no reason. The intensity is too great and I know that I need a destructive cycle again (not been properly destructive, other than the usual cutting, for about 5/6 weeks). I can't explain. How do I explain to my CPN tomorrow. He's going to tell me that these things come in cycles but I need to hurt me, someone. I need to jump in front of traffic or off a building or down the stairs, but not to kill myself, just to hurt myself really badly. I need to hurt someone else, no-one I know, just anyone who happens to be there when it boils over again. I can't explaiin why. It's all too noisy and can't keep track.

no no no no!!!! *cuddles you tightly* don't do it honey. Go into hospital if you have to. But don't do this. please!

Have you thought about printing this post off to give to your CPN tomorrow?
It has to be a better option than going through with what you want to do.

Do you know why you want to be so self destructive? Has something come up that has made you feel this way? Is there some external stress somewhere? Perhaps you could work on that in hopes that it would help lessen the urge to be so destructive. after all self destruction dosnt actually get you anywhere in the long run.

CPN called this morning and cancelled at the last minute as he had an emergency meeting to go to - presumably because the person is actually ill, unlike me who is just a freak. To be fair, he did call me to speak on 'phone in afternoon and rearrange visit for Tues.

Just feel everything is unravelling. Sorry, I'm a bit of a post whore - another thread re stepping down at work. That's not it though, I just need to hurt myself. I need to know that he chaos is still there. That I can create that mess again. I'm so twisted. I like knowing I can destroy myself and defeat those stupid taunting voices. I would have the ultimate victory.

I haven't cut for a week and 1/2 but deserve it now. Although the voices are still taunting me, the new meds I started do seem to be able to calm things. I feel cheated. I need to be able to hurt myself. That's so ungrateful and weird. Sorry.

There's no such thing as a post wh**e, post as much as you feel you need to. It is good that the medication calms you down.
Have you any idea why you feel you need the 'chaos'?

Oh hunnie, i can relate to this, but i dont know what i can say to help....
I know that feeling of needing to know i could destroy myself completely if i chose to. And i have, many times. I self-sabotaged my efforts to recover repeatedly. I think i just wasnt ready to take that big step and start being nice to myself; i still had too much self-hatred in me.
Im not sure how or why, but i seem to have seen past all that and have learned to (well...still learning) accept me for who i am and find a little bit of love for me.
I hope this can happen to you very very soon.
Im here if you need/want ok?
Pls, pls print off what you have written and share it.
Pls be safe
thinking of uyo
romp

YOU are ill. you're not well. *cuddles* don't give up. please please please don't give up.

I managed not to cut last night. However, today is a different story. It started up again this afternoon, so I was a good girl, took my meds and went out to the supermarket whilst giving them time to kick in. It didn't work - the rage was there, I needed to do something to get rid of it so what did I end up doing? I cut - only a baby cut but I still cut!!! It had been like a week and a half since I last had cut. I know there are ways to calm down when angry - hence going for walk to supermarket etc but this is more than just anger/frustration, it's really unbearable. I feel caught between knowing it was inevitable and also anger with myself as it doesn't solve the rage/destructiveness only causes them to abate temporarily.

honey that's great that you managed not to do it last night. You did so well keeping it for a week and half. You have this strenth! Yu CAN do it!!!! YOu CAN!!!!!! *cuddles*