why the heck did I plan it out! *kinda suicide and SI too*
 

I am an idiot.
Hugely and completely.
I decided that the only way I'd stop thinking about it would be to plan it all out. So what did I do? Planed it all out. Which medicines and how much of each. It came up to a lot. It scared me, but now I actually want to do it. I needed to figure out how much would be needed to die. Now I want to OD so so badly. I bought some medicine just to help me sleep, but I want to take a little more to make it a little better.
The medicine is way gross but I don't care.
It'll help me sleep which is what I need so badly!
I am sooo very stupid.
My social worker asked me to try not to take any medicine and to try journalling instead or relaxing to fall asleep instead of "self-medicating". I'm seeing her again on wednesday. Second appointment is going to end up with me telling her I failed. How am I supposed to tell her that I planed how I'm going to kill myself just to make sure I don't which ended up with me wanting to SI.
Stupid Stupid Emily.
I wanted to give in on tuesday. I didn't care anymore. I was waiting for my brother to go back to Uni. I cannot give in until I make it to 3 months. I refuse to cut before then.
GAH!
I hate my mother!
Completely.
If I could ONLY hurt her in telling her I cut myself I would.
I can;t do that though because she would tell EVERYONE else and it's not fair to them. I can't do that to them.
I can't do that to my Dad. I love my daddy and my brother <3 Hurting them isn't worth it.
I want to be like emancipated from her because she hurts me so much.
I can't even explain it to other people because it's just little things that just make me so so so so so mad.
She is one reason why I want to give in to the SI and the OD so badly.

I echo what Amy has said :) wise words!
Keep thinking of your brother and dad, you wouldn't want to hurt them right?
Keep fighting we're all here for you sweetie xoxox

I think my brother is starting to understand. My mom called him about other stuff and he asked to talk to me and asked about the how I was feeling and what was hapenning with my mom but I wasn't sure if my mom was on the phone so I didn't say anything. Oh well.
No I don't have a psych person.
My social worker wants me to ask my GP for a referal but I am so overwhelmingly scared. I can't have someone else knowing. I'm seeing her again on Wednesday.
I'm fine during the day.
Like I don't even think of it but at night I'll almost die.
I want to give in so bad.
I end up mini ODing every night just to sleep.
I'm not in a good place but can't admit it to anyone in my real life.

I think you do need a referral. Even if all they do is prescribe you a medication that can help you sleep without overdosing, then it would be worth it.

I think if you have it planned out, you should do everything in your power to make it so your plans cannot fall into place. It helps me, at least.

I know how it feels to want to cut someone out your life. It was one of the most difficult decisions I made, but you know what? It's worth it for the freedom.

If your mother is so damaging to you, is there a friend you can stay with?

I don't know.
The more I think about it, the more I want it but don't at the same time.
I know that if I did it it would completely destroy my friend because she has known the whole time and has been helping me. It's something she'd never forget and would probably never 'get over'. That is probably the main reason why I haven't done anything. I cannot hurt her so deeply. It's hard enough admitting to her when I've SIed because I know it hurts her. My brother and dad would be so upset. I don't know. I don't care what it would do to my mom. I really don't.
I've been trying to stay out of my house or at lease away from my mom as much as possible. Out of no where her and my brother were asking me if I'm happy. I don't know where that came from though. Last year when I probably could have been diagnosed with severe depression and missed 1/2 my school year and was cutting 3, 4 even 5 times a day and was ODing they didn't say anything. Now they notice? My brother I know he can kinda sense it because he's at Uni now and is like more perceptive when he is here? I dunno.
If I did go to someone's house it'd be my friend (the one from above), but I don't know if I could have the courage to say that I need to be away from my house.
I really don't know.
Being hurt now really isn't helping. It hurts so badly and makes me feel so much worse.

I told my teacher.
He said it was beyond him and asked me to talk to my head of program so we went and talked to him.
Why do I open my mouth?
I hate myself for worrying them...