you don't have to answer this, but
 

[... hugs and understanding would be welcome]

Why is it so hard to let go?

I am tired of the conflict inside. Actually I am exhausted, drained and worn down by it.

But, I have developed a fierce self protection, and starting to let my defences down sometimes threatens that.

If only I could really cry. Really safely let go.

I am so tired.

I understand wot u mean cos i think the same happens to me. Its like u have built a barrier but when u do want to let it down, its been up so long it just wont allow u past even if u do really want to get past everything that this barrier is made up of. U feel like crying but ur defences tell u that u cant allow others to see u like this as it shouldnt be happenin.

Im sorry if I picked u up wrong. I hope u do get past it but it is tough.

Take care
Ann xxx

Our barrier is our form of self-protection. I think there is also often a fear that if we start crying we're not going to stop.

Letting defenses down can result in release and freedom and the chance to rebuild and renew. It's a terrifying thing to do though, but worth it I guess.

BK
XX

These defences are so ... guarded. Doubly so.

BK, yes, it is terrifying. Very.

I had a difficult therapy session this morning, but I may have burst the defences a bit, at least. And that's not a pretty process..

i can relate completely to what you mean about being exhausted and so tired of the fight
i may not be the best person to give advice right now but all i can say is keep fighting
it's good to defend and protect yourself, but not to the point that you block out all emotions and even the people who can and want to help and support you
*hugs* dont know if that was even remotely helpful but oh well

Thanks Callie.

I hope I'll feel a bit better in the morning after a night's sleep.

*nearly cries* Thank you.

You are right, the defences didn't just suddenly appear. They started just over 37 years ago, and have accumulated more and more over time. Only in the past few years has it been safe enough to start to release them.

Yes, I am trapped in here with myself. I drew an image last night, of what we were talking about in therapy. The Tower. Surrounded by hostile guards... That scared me a lot. Frightened me. My therapist says that's good when I feel that about it. Because it can help me break free. Gradually.

I keep wiping my eyes, but hardly any tears are falling. Just moist eyes. Sadness.