***crap weasel*** title change***
 

I just thought I'd let you all know that - thats how many days I went without cutting & today it all went up in smoke & the one thing that I was proud of has vanished and it was all for nothing & I can't take it back.

I'm actually sat here shaking - whats the point? It all turns to **** in the end no matter which road you take.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Triggering

I just wanna go deeper & just keep going..I feel nothing. I am not real.

oh sweetheart xxxx

Roads? Who needs roads? We don't need roads where we're going...

Honey it's a sliiiiiiiiip! *cuddles* i'm sorry things seem to have kinda imploded on you BUT it's not the end of it! It's just a huge mother ****er of a speed bump that was hidden by a hill! You've hit it and you got AIR! but you can keep going on!!!! *cuddles*

Thanks guys. xxx

Jess, I know you are right, a slip. That's my life a series of slips. It will get better it always does I know that, admittedly then it gets worse, then it gets better, the it gets worse again...

A series of slips...I just don't want to do this anymore...

Hey deb. just wanted to send you my love. xxx

Ahh honey, slips are part of life ups and downs are part of it too. When you're on a down, just remember... an up ALWAYS comes!

Hugs you babes. It is just a slip up and get back on track. Instead of focusing on how you've messed up, focus on how good you've done getting this far, because it's amazing. You can count it as so many days with one slip up, not start again because that will keep you motivated.
I know this isn't about me, but I want to tell you what I did.
I had my sisters wedding to go to and was wearing a little dress, and obviously I tried my best not to self harm at all in the 2 months leading up to it. I managed this, and went to the wedding with beautiful clean skin, but then slipped up about 2 weeks ago afterwards. Now instead of thinking I had to start again, I count it as being 3 months free with one slip up. It really helps to keep me focused.
Big hugs and love xxxxxx

Its okay to walk a path and keep slipping along the way.

Just make sure those slips dont turn into a long slide into something far more damaging.

*hugs*

*cuddles*

You don't have to pretend here hun. If you're worried about people knowing, is there any way you can make a doctor's appointment and not tell anyone? I know it's not the best way to do it but it would at least be someone to talk to. You deserve to be happy *hug*

oh for the love of god!
 

I'm going back into hiding...

I finally got the courage to tell my wife that I had a panic attack on Thursday (I didn't tell her about the one on Wednesday or the one on Friday or the fact that I blacked out on Saturday when she was walking the dog, but I figured it was a start!) You know what happened?
We spent 20 minutes talking about how disappointed, hurt & angry she was at me because when I needed someone to calm me down on Thursday I called a friend of ours and not her!
Ok, so i understand her points, she is my wife and I should go to her, she should know more about me than anyone else, it is not fair to put that between her and this friend of ours when I ask him to keep secrets... They are all valid points and I agree with them all...
But...
At no point did she ask me:
If I was ok now.
What triggered it
What they were like etc etc...

Now don't get me wrong I would have found it very difficult to explain but at the end of the day I would have. If someone actually asked I would tell them.

But they don't...its like i tell them i have a bad day and they think that it will all be better 24 hours later.

So I'm just going to shut my mouth - I'm just going to concentrate on covering my tracks and making sure if and or when I fall again no one sees it.

She made me promise that I won't talk to him again - so I won't.

This was another thread...but I am putting it all in one because It gives me something to concentrate on & I don't know what else to do....right now...

I'm not expecting any responses to this - I just wanted to share it with people that might understand....

The last week has been quite horrific for me, I slipped up after nearly 4 years had 4 panic attacks and generally felt like the sky was falling down on my head. I reached out to an on line friend who in turn reached out to one of my real life friends who came to me on Thursday after I crashed hard & was there and gave me a cuddle and I talked to him for about an hour and I was so shaken by my panic attack that I didn’t sensor what I was saying & told him all the thoughts I was having and about the attack and the slip and basically there were a lot of tears (which is a total no, no for me – you do not cry where people can see you!) anyway – so that was okay when I had another attack on the Friday I sent him an IM but he wasn’t really on-line so didn’t see it – it was okay by the time he text me I was feeling better…

Anyway – as some of you know this friend of mine has known about my issues a long time, but I only crashed in front of him for the first time a couple of months back (for some reason this has been a bad year for me) anyway in a lot of the conversations we have had I have told him that the reason that I don’t want to let him in etc is that he will not be able to cope for whatever reason and he will run/back off whatever you want to call it – but that once that happens it will ruin it – because once the information is out there that’s it – there isn’t much else you can do…

So, I’ve been saying this and he has been saying that he won’t abandon me and won’t leave and although it freaks him out sometimes he is not going anywhere… so over the last couple of months I have let him see more & more of the side of me that I don’t want people to see…

But – I had a dream last night. You know the kind that you just know are premonitions rather than just random dreams and basically he is going to tell me at some point in the not to distance future that he can’t help me anymore – I don’t know his reasons (sure I do because I have freaked him out!) but you know what I mean. Now – I know this conversation is coming – I have been waiting for it since the first time I crashed in front of him – after Thursday I was expecting it & now I know it is an inventible conversation.

Thing is that I have two ways of dealing with it – Get angry – of course, I told him this would happen & he swore that it wouldn’t which makes me angry at him for lying although its not his fault I have experienced this before and they all say that – but more angry at myself for allowing myself to believe him.

The other option is to just let him walk away.

This option makes me sad, we have/had a great friendship & I ruined it. The thing is because me & my wife & him are so close he would not just walk away – out of my life – like the others – he would just stop being there for me when I crash, I imagine that he will say he wants to still be there – but (& this is the bit I hope y’all will understand) once you let someone in and they tell you they can’t help – that changes things – now when I am feeling bad, I won’t go to him, but he will still be able to see when something is wrong because he will know the signs & if he ever comes at me & says he know I am feeling bad, my reaction is to tell him to **** off… because he can’t have it both ways & in the end that will all get to much & our whole friendship will crumble.

I don't want our friendship to end - but I told him if I let him see this side of me eventually it would - I told him so!!

every ****ing time!!
 

There is RAGE...but I can't go anyone to calm me down...because I'll just land myself in more ****...

****
BULLOCKS
WANK
CARP WEASLE!

You nkow things are bad when its Carp Weasel. Im so sorry i had no idea. :P


I know its all awful. but its nice to see theres still some of you under all this ****!

As for the wife chatting thing.....i dont agree actually. We each have different people in out lives. They are our friends aquaintances and lovers, oh and sometimes enemies. They all perform differing roles. Some make us laugh. some give us love. Some security. Some intellectual input. Some a mix of many and so on.

Marriage doesnt mean that person has to tick every box. It is certainly not a pre-requisite to ownership of all your problems!

If you have someone in your life that you can talk to then thats wonderful. It doesnt have to be your partner. Its hrad to talk to partners and family because we dont want to hurt them. We placate them and end up comforting them due to the distress we feel we cause.

Tell your wife that its important you have an outlet. Tell her that you love her but somethings you need to talk to with someone not directly involved.

If she loves you she will understand. If she doesnt understand then dont let her insecurities stop you aving an outlet!

Much love

Matthew xxx

I swear you are the only person in the whole world that actually makes me laugh while you are taking the piss dude!!

Loves ya!

What you said makes absolute sense, but I'm starting to realise (ok I've always known but I forget sometimes) that how people see things on the outside world seems to be a lot more black & white than the kinda mucky grey I see things as & if that is how they see me & the situation then that is how i have to see it... does that make any sense? Probably not!!


Thanks xxx