SI - I dont want to stop
 

Im finding this really difficult to get my head round at the moment. Have been talking with my therapist about self-harm today. She feels we will have to focus the cbt on the self-harm because she just cant leave it. I dont see the self-harm as a problem because it makes me feel better. I am having cbt for OCD,Social anxiety and depression.

Next week she wants to talk about distractions and things I can do, but I dont think I want to stop yet. I dont have the guts to tell her that when I cut I get the release from seeing the blood. I must sound disgusting to others saying that. I dont anything can compare to seeing the blood which gives me the release.

I just see self-harm as something that will be with me and when I cant cope its something I turn to deal with things.

I didnt feel comfortable talking about the self-harm with my therapist because I feel it is such a private thing and something we have private thoughts about.

How do I explain to someone how self-harming makes me feel. When I do it, I dont really feel any pain, my mind goes blank, then a release when I see the blood.

Sorry I dont even know why I am writing this, just needed to get it out where someone would understand.

this is to let you know that i understand!! and that i read this!!
everyone self harms for different reasons!!
its different for me everytime!! sometimes i go into a trance when i do it, other times im so angry and it acts as a release for me!!

i hope one day you feel comfortable enough to talk to your therapist about this!!

stay strong
Kayleigh
x x x

Hey, you need to tell your therapist what would help and what is best left for a while. For your SHto improve it may be needed that your depression, social anxiety and OCD are treated first. She should want to help you with whatever is best, so please try to explain that you still want to cope in this way for now and that any effort spent on CBT would be much more useful for you. Take care xxx I hope it goes well.

Hi hun,
If you want to explain to your therapist how self harming feels I suggest you maybe print out what you have written here, its very clear what you mean and I totally understand. You dont need to worry what she'll think of you, you certainly wont be the first self harmer shes met and a lot of self harmers think the way you do so you really dont need to worry.
If she is a trained therapist she will know that you cant just stop self-harming, what she will do is help you to come up with ways of reducing the urges and eventually come up with different ways of coping.

Take care hun, im just a pm away
Aimee xx

Aimee has said it for me! Definitely print out your thread here. It says exactly what you want to say to her, without having to directly say it.

Nobody can force you to quit SI. It's something that you have to do in your own time for your reasons. It's something you have to do for yourself and nobody else.

I think that if you stop SI, maybe over coming your other problems may be easier. There's a real negative cycle with SI and you don't get anywhere with it. There's momentary betterness once you self-harm, but then the chemical high has gone, you're feeling just as bad as you did before or maybe worse. And so you self-harm again to make yourself feel better...and it just goes on and on. It's very harmful both mentally and physically. Quitting SI is something to think about.

The trick with quitting SI is to replace it with a healthier form of dealing with your feelings and problems. So instead of cutting, draw on yourself with pen, write things down, talk to someone, squeeze ice, distract yourself?

Again, nobody can make you stop but you, but it doesn't hurt to give quitting a go, trying out a healthier alternative to SI in future, or just thinking about quitting.

Best of luck to you, I hope things get sorted out!
xo