Advice please re: my attitiude *adult*
 

As some of you will know I was raped aged 13. The whole experience was horrific, and I was subject to other forms of violent abuse during the attack.
It happened a long time ago and I'm now 26. I have had 3 male sexual partners. The first two I hated having any form of sexual relationship with, despite being in long term relationships with both guys. I guess I just felt I had too. I desperately wanted to stop being the little girl who was scared by what had happened to her and move on to being a woman. I first had consensual sex aged 20. The man I lost my virginity too, later cheated on me with a transsexual. It was a punishing blow to my already fragile self esteem as,despite not enjoying our physical relationship, I felt for him very deeply. Now I have moved on and I am in a very loving relationship, with the most amazing man in the world. My father was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and my boyfriend has been there at every step to help me and my family through it. We get on so well and on the whole have a great relationship. The problem is for the first time in my life I want sex. I want to make love to him as often as possible. This has led to some problems, as his sex drive is much less than mine. Even though he reassures me that he loves me and wants me every time he says "no" I feel rejected, unhappy and ugly. I always feel disgusting and like I shouldn't feel like I want sex in the first place. He has also said he sleeps with me to make me happy, this thought just revolts me as it suggests he doesn't want to sleep with me but goes along with it anyway. In my mind that puts me on a par with the man that raped me, am I not forcing my boyfriend to sleep with me? If not physically, but mentally? Am I as evil as he was? And why do I even want sex when the very act has damaged me so badly? I even turn to sex for comfort when I'm upset, what the hell is wrong with me? I'm sorry to go on but I have no-one else to speak to, I've tried to talk to my boyfriend but he gets quite upset with me. I just want to know where I'm going wrong and if it is wrong to feel like this? Please help if you can.
Many thanks Ginny x

Darling, your 26 years old, your allowed to want sex whenever you like. Its not a crime, what that man did to you was & you are far from what he is.
I think its wonderful you feel so comfortable with your partner considering all that happened to you, you should be proud of yourself, not angry. Your partner has reassured you, he loves you, & you are not forcing him mentally or anything like that, he loves you & he wants to see you happy, thats all, maybe if you feel like your forcing him, ask him how he feels & I can be sure he won't tell you he feels like your forcing him atall. You aren't going wrong atall, don't let your horrible experenice make things go wrong with your life now.

x x x

Many thanks for your reply, I'm going to sit down and tak to him today. Thanks for taking the time to read all my useless waffle x

good luck talking to him, its so great you have a relationship where your truly happy and your partner supports you so much :), as said its not a crime to want sex sweetie, im sure once you have talked things will be more comfortable. And dont be angry with yourself, you are doing so well so keep going xxx

It wasn't useless waffle, its your feelings & I can completely understand.
Let us know how the talk goes yeah? & good luck
x x x

Wow, why does what you've described sound so familiar?

Okay, first, you're allowed to want sex. You're allowed to like sex. There's nothing wrong with that at all.

Second, there are people in the world that for whatever reason don't particularly have either a strong sex drive or one at all. These people can also desire a close, loving, intimate relationship just with no sex or with not much sex. It's called Asexuality and your boyfriend may be having trouble making sense of that to himself. You could check out wikipedia here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality and there's a website that more fully explores the topic here: http://www.asexuality.org/home/

Keep in mind that your boyfriend may not be asexual, but it's a possibility that most don't even consider. Anyway, good luck with that and keep us updated.

You have GOT to talk with him about this, but do it at a time where you're not wanting sex or anything at the moment. There is couple's counseling available - some churches and community groups may offer free or low-cost stuff.

Well, I re-read what you posted, and it's likely that he's not asexual, but you still NEED to talk to him. Pick a quiet moment where you don't want sex and then talk. It's good for your relationship. Honest.

I'm going to leave my previous post up, since it might be helpful, although it's not a huge possibility.

Good luck.

Hey, there have been some great responses to this already, but I wanted to add a bit. In addition to it being a-ok for you to be sexual and want sex, it's also ok, and completely normal and common, for sex to sometimes be used for comfort. Consensual sex between 2 adult partners can mean different things at different times, you know? It can be playful, or funny, or comforting, or whatever. And it is not even on the same planet as rape, which is primarily an act of violence.

I think it's great that you are able to enjoy your sexuality and reclaim it after having been hurt in a sexual way. That's not sick at all, it's healthy! And lots of couples are at different places with their sex drives etc. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you automatically have 100% identical wants/needs. Libido also changes over time.

Personally, I think it's like this. If you are in a relationship with someone who loves Italian food, even if that's not your favorite, sometimes you take them out for Italian because you love making them happy. And they do the same for you. And sometimes, you might go out alone for your own favorite food, you know? I don't think anyone should do something they think is wrong or are really uncomfortable with to please a partner, but I think that there is some give and take in sex like in other areas of relationships.

I think the key, though, as others have said, is communication. If he has a low sex drive, that may just be how he is, and so you figure out how important that is to you in the relationship and ways for you both to get your needs met and not feel too stressed. But it could also mean something's wrong, or be a side effect of medication or something.

I know it can be really hard to talk about sex-- I'm in a long-term relationship I think is quite stable and healthy, and this is still something we're working out. Partly because of my abuse history, I feel ashamed about having sexual desires, and am way sensitive about rejection. You've just got to keep talking through the discomfort-- because the bottom line is that you care about each other and you're not bringing this up to hurt the other person or imply there's something wrong with him, but just to work together at making you both happy.