My Own Mortality.
 

ok.....since the blackout and hospital...ive realized something.
it DIDNT scare me at all.
and THAT scares me.

ive also realized that subconciously i am ALWAYS suicidal.
because i had NO intentions of suicide or SI when that happened.
i think its buried so deep inside me that i dont even know it.

i dont know.
****..im on the phone with my sis and she's crying about my grandma.
i cant think anymore right now.

but...what do you think about my subconcious idea? cuz its freaking scaring me.

thanks.
xxxxxx

Sorry I haven't got much to say tonight rach but have you got any follow up care from the hospital or anyone you can talk to about the way you are feeling right now? I guess I know what you mean because I'm a little like it I know there is always something in the back of my mind telling me suicide is a good idea. But it isn't sweetheart you have to put it to the back of your mind amongst the cobwebs and try to keep it there because there is so much more to living than there is to death, and that is a good thing. You have people here that care about you so much xx

strnage..i was thinkinbg this about you the other day in that you vow never to harm or od again and yet it happens and it happens when youre not aware of what youre doing if that makes senes.

i do understand but i have no words except i do thnk you need help for when those times happen.

love you everso muchly xx

Perhaps it is because we are always afraid that it will get worse than it is, or if we are starting to heal, that it will get bad again.
*cuddles*

I'm with you there Rach. I understand exactly...

I would suggest talking it over with your pysch and seeing what she says about the whole thing??

*cuddles*

ok... just another idea here...
do you think you dissociate to a place where you used to be suicidal/SI intentions...
or...
do you think you dissociate to a place in your past that hurt and your reaction to it is to SI/OD etc because that was how you coped with it at the time?
mand x

thanks for all your ideas.
loves.
xxxxx

How you feeling today hun?
xx

i feel icky sharliepoo.
im about to go watch reruns of ER.
and wont be back for a while as im "taking a break".
love you.
xxxxxxxx

Well you know where I am if you need to talk, my pm box is always open xx

and omg 2 people have just called me sharliepoo in 10 seconds :P

I believe that we get so conditioned to the dangers of self harm that it becomes a coping mechanism to be cut off (no pun intended) from our own mortality.

I mean, face it. Could we be able to self harm if we were totally aware EVERY time we cut that it could kill us and we'd be dead before bedtime??

I do seperate my mortality from my self harm, coz i harm so bad ive just accepted that one day that will be it. Ive even written a list of who to inform of my death which is sealed in an envelope in case i die before saying all i want and need to to family and friends.

Is that weird??