Needing Help.
 

Sorry guys, I need some support.

Brief history about my father. Abusive alcoholic. My mum left him when I was three or four because he came home drunk and hit me. He has yoyo'd in and out of my life for years. Popping back in, then disappearing without any explanation.

Anyway, I had to see him yesterday. I need his birth certificate, and he really seems like he is making an effort to be part of my life. Take that with a grain of salt, but yeah.

It really shook me up though. He looks about twenty years older then he is. His face is red with burst capillaries, he has this permanent shake, his speech is shaky and slightly slurred and his balance is terrible. He almost fell over stepping on to the escalator.

I'm not sure why, but this really effected me a lot. So much so that I haven't been able to sort through my mind and figure out why.

Anyway, my uncle I live with is being a really **** about it. And really upsetting me a lot.

Last night, when I was still very shaken, he was questioning me about what I would do if he had liver failure or something and I was the only possible donor.

So yeah, I was pretty rough last night. Ended up drinking. Love the irony. Shaken up by the state of my alcoholic father, so I drink to numb it all. ****ing pathetic really.

But this morning, was a new day. I was feeling better. Really looking forward to tonight.

I walk out of my room to go make a cup of tea...

"Good morning. Today is going to be a good day"

"What was wrong with yesterday?"

"It wasn't a good day"

"Why?"

"Cause"

"Why?"

"My Dad thing."

"What was bad about that?"

"I explained it to you"

"Oh, and I suppose that was more upsetting for you then when your Granddad died"

And that has just shattered my okay mood. I just sat here and bawled my eyes out. I feel physically sick. And extremely triggered.

I don't know what to do. I'm not even 100% why I'm feeling like I am. I really really want to cut myself but I'm trying so hard not too.

I'm desperate here.

Your uncle doesn't have any emotional connection to your dad. To him your dad is just some alcoholic jerk that his sister was married to for a while. It's a lot easier for him to be emotionally objective and see that your father isn't a good person for you to be around.

Now, to your unlce, your granddad was his father, the man who raised him. Your uncle is/was emotionally attached to him. Of course he would think you should care more about your granddad than your father. He's biased!

My guess is that you're upset because on some level you know your father going to die from his alcoholism. It's very shocking when you see how severely it affects people, and you have to physically face what they are doing to themselves. It's one thing to know in your mind "My dad is an alcoholic" and another to see what that really means. Especially if you haven't seen them for a while and there have been a lot of changes.

sweetheart, it's always a shock when you see someone who should be in a strong and supportive position like that. Even though you had no expectations it's probably a subconcious part of you wishing that hewuld be fine. I think your uncle cares and is probably worried that your dad will pop back into your life nd use you or something like that. Or I coul dbe completely wrong.

*hugs* honey you've had a shock! can you go out today? go for a walk, see a movie get a baked potato (you know that fixes everything)?

But I don't CARE about my father. Or I shouldn't. He ruined my Mums life and mine. He is a big part of the reason I am as ****ed up as I am.

But, when I saw him, I felt sick. Maybe sick with pity, which is hard to feel for someone I have hated and resented my whole life. Ugh, I don't know. I even told my uncle yesterday that I felt like I shouldn't see my father any more because it shakes me up too badly. If THAT doesn't scream "don't really care" I don't know what will.

I feel so alone with this and it's killing me. It's like noone understands. And I don't know how to make people.

Just because you don't care doesn't mean you want to see the man dead or dying. There is also the fact that every time you see him you probably see the "what could have been".

I tried to get her to shut off the hot water while he was in the shower, but she wouldn't do it.

*isn't a bad influence at all....*

haha aidey!

honey you feel pity for him because you're a lovely person. you pity him beasue he's ****ed up hi life and in the process fcuked urs up too. BUT you are stronger than that and you are getting better and moving forwards!!!

onwards and upwards sweetheart!

*hugs*
i had an abusive father. while i was at emegency yesterday, one of the nurses said that she had suffered the same kind of thing i did. she said that, it took many years, but eventually she was able to not forgive him but not hate him any more, because she was able to pity him. she said that after he died it got a whole lot easier as well. she said that once she had moved her hatred to pity she was able to get on with her life without it hanging over her, and she was much happier. it really helped me, and i hope it helps you. maybe you are on your way to this, that's why its suddenly affected you so much?
i hope that made sense my head it still a bit foggy.

*hugs*

Erin your dad might be a jerk, but he is still your dad. No matter hoe much he has messed you up, there is still apart of you that has that craving for a good and healthy relationship with him. Perhaps when you see him so ill, the little girl inside you realises even more so that there probably never will be a healthy relationship there.

Mostly, its ok to feel this way. Look around the site. Look at people who where abused, they will often still say that they miss there dad in some way. Because he will always be a part of your life. Whats important now is how far past him you go in your life. You dont need to depend on him anymore, you dont need his judgement or his help. You are so much stronger than he ever was. And most of all, you owe him nothing!

Sweetie, you are doing so well and i am so proud that you where even able to meet with him. I know you are going to keep moving forward past him, to your new happier life. (which is closer to me so perhaps im biased) but yeah. *cuddles*

i understand.
love you Erin.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Erin sweetie, you may be, at some level, mourning the fact that your dad really wasn't a parent. That you did not have the love and safety of that.

I am so sorry that you uncle was being insensitive. Take some time and take care of yourself.

Kim, the part of me that ever wanted any sort of relationship with him died a long time ago. It's all I can do to return his messages this time. I only met up with him because I need his birth certificate. It's a strain to have anything to do with him. But I return the messages and answer the calls because there is a little teeny tiny pange of guilt somewhere in there. It's funny actually. All the feelings of guilt that overwhelm me, and when it comes to this sick old man, the guilts the quietest.

Sorry it's so rough for you right now sweetness. I know coming face to face with someone you're unsure about is tough. Someone you know you should feel things for but feel nothing? Or the opposite in most cases. You know there should be some resentment or pain and again, nothing.

I can't really give much advice here, I only know what's been written on this thread but I do know how lovely you are and how awful it is to seer someone so wonderful in so much pain.

Love you chick <3
Iz x

I spent all of my therapy talking about this.

I am, officially, the worse person in the world. I can't even bring myself to tell you what I said to her because you would all hate me.

She recommended that I set myself boundaries and give myself some time before I see him again. I agree.

This thread is quite obsolete now, but yeah, Hi, I'm a total ****. How are you?

okay, this is REALLY ****ing with my head. Basically, I have had NO contact with anyone on my fathers side for as long as i can remember. we just never existed to them. i barely existed to my father. now, some woman has messaged me on facebook saying she could be my aunt. her maiden name is right and everything. this is freaking me out. why is this making me so panicky. aww, help?

Aw sweetie.
You need to think it through, weigh it all up. I know it probably feels like all you've done lately is think about it but it has to be done.
Would you want to have contact with his side of your family?
Would you want to talk to her if she was your Aunt?
How would it make you feel to be 'involved' in your Dads life?

I know how tough this is but you have to think about it properly.
How can you find out if she IS your Aunt? this is reeking havoc on your mental health and you need to make a few choices about it.
You either find out if she's telling the truth, work out what you want from her and go from there, or you ignore it completely and shut hout the chances of being in regular or even scarce contact with them.

I'm not telling you what to do baby, and I don't want it to come across that way. But I do want you to be careful.
Don't get yourself hurt because you feel obliged. This is all your own choice and your own decisions to make. Don't let anyone make them for you.

Love you, here if you need me.
Iz x

Irene beat me to it. And somehow managed to sum everything I wanted to say up into a few short sentances and STILL make more sense than me.

Hope you're feeling ok sugar pie, we're all here if you need.

Iz x

I was talking to my therapist about it. She was waiting for me to say it on my own.

"There is this whole side of me that I don't know anything about"

Identity issues.

I have siblings, or at least one half brother, that I don't even know.

It all makes my head hurt.