I miss him, but I'm not feeling anything...
 

As I've already told you, I lost my Grandfather on August 29th.
I cried, I hurt, I walked around in a daze.

Now nothing, I feel pretty much nothing. I don't know if I've blocked it out, or if I've detatched myself from it. but I just feel like there is nothing.
Not even empty, just nought, zero, zilch.

Odd and alarming. I feel like a horrid person for feeling completely emotionless, but I don't have anything there.
I was very close to my Grandad. He was a truely inspiring and amazing man with an incredible strength of character which got him through a medical condition (he wasn't supposed to live past 5yrs old and he died at 72!), I have and had a hugely emotional connection to him. Love and hate sure, difficult and for a long time he didn't understand me, but so close none the less. But now? Nothing.

What is going on....

(I also wanted to apologise for my lack of presence here but I not only have this to think about but the wedding is so close and I have so much to do that I'm struggling to focus on anything. I also HAVE to start a new job in two weeks with no choice but to be thrown into it head first. Too much going on. I am ever so sorry though, I will be around as much as I can be.)

Iz x

love you izzington

Don't apologise for time spent here sweetie. Everyone gives what they can and that varies at different times.

I think what you are experiencing is not that unusual, although it may seem strange to you. I was very close to my grandfather and when he passed away in May (god it doesn't seem that long ago), I cried and then I was nothing. I knew I missed him and there was a gap but I functioned and didn't feel emotionally much different. Now I have started to grieve for him, small things remind me of him. Certain songs make me cry and be sad, images and experiences are the same. I thought because I cried I had grieved and it was over but it takes a lot of time.

What I am trying to say is that everybody grieves for loved ones in different ways. It may be weeks or even months before you start to feel for his death and grieve. Just because you feel the way you do now does not diminish the connection and love you had for him or make you a freak.

I hope some of this makes sense. My PM box is always open if you need to talk.

Emma

The feelings of sorrow and anger that come with grief come and go. It does not mean you love him any less.

Thank you so much. I think logically I knew all of this, but maybe I just needed to hear it?
I feel blank and although I know grief comes in stages and I'm lost in between two of them right now, I want to deal with it as opposed to ignoring it, or denying it which I'm afraid I might be doing at the moment.

Love you all, I'll let you know when the anger comes ;)

x