wanting to replicate...
 

Hey, wasn't sure where to post this but here goes...

I'm in recovery from sh and bulimia, and myself and the husband are trying for kids, which we both want very very much :) so far so good. It hasn't happened for us yet (its been months now, but my GP says because im 25 i have to wait at least 2 years before i can have fertility tests) and I am now directing any rage i had at myself in general towards hating myself for not being able to conceive, and wondering if somehow its my fault because of my weight fluctuations in the past (though I'm a healthy bmi now and have periods etc)... does anyone have any experience in this area? its making me crazy...

also, i keep having these horrible night terrors that i do have a baby (he's so cute!) and a health visitor comes and sees my scars and takes him away, saying that I'm going to hurt him too and he'd be better off with a normal mum... :(

sorry, just wanted to tell folk who might understand, hubby is supportive but he doesn't understand why i would blame myself, he thinks it'll just take time and he's happy to keep trying, but every month i bleed its like i failed again.

You have scars, not fresh marks. That means you are healing. I don't know about normal. You are willing to learn and grow for yourself. You will be even more able to do that with your baby and for your baby!

someone close to me nearly died from anorexia 3 years ago, and is now 5 months pregnant. she never even went back to have regular periods so the fact that you have is very promising! not conceiving could have other causes, diet, hormone levels out of your control etc.
having scars doesnt mean you're not going to be a wonderful mum, nobody will take a baby away from its mother just for that.
hope this eases your mind a little.

thanks, I guess I'm just a bit lost as to what to do, I've always got through tough times by making lists and planning, even if i never carried out the plans, because i felt in control if i could plan, but the uncertainty of conceiving is making me unsettled as I can't plan for anything as I don't know what is going to happen.

sorry, i know i have it luckier than most but i've been through so much crap medically in this department (cancer but im all clear!) and i just wanted one thing to be easy, i just wanted to be able to do what biologically I'm designed to do and I can't even do that!

i feel like a freak, especially as every ****ing day i read about women having abortions (Im pro-choice btw not having a go at anyone) and teenagers getting pregnant the first time they have sex and i wonder why, when i want a baby so much, it doesn't happen for me...

You're so young, and you have so much ahead of you.
It hasn't happened YET, that doesn't mean it can't or that it won't.
Some people spend years trying and some get really lucky.
I know a woman who had a child and then tried almost 10 years until she had her next one.
If anything it made that child even more loved and special because she felt as though it was a miracle to have had another!

I know it feels tough, I might not be able to have any at all. But you just have to have faith in your body and keep the belief that it WILL happen.
Don't give up hope because anything is possible.

I don't know if this helped at all, but I wanted to give you another viewpoint anyway.

Good luck, and don't let go of the dream of that bouncing baby!
Iz x

I forgot to say that the human body does incredible things we just never get to see or sometimes even feel! You've beaten cancer for goodness sake, how incredible is YOUR body?!!

x

Not incredible enough. I just feel like the universe is against me. I just spent 3 days in hospital with a burst ovarian cyst, turns out i have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and will need fertility treatment. i actually can't remember the last good thing that happened to me. i kinda feel like giving up on everything, though I haven't sh yet its only because there are folk in the house looking after me and i haven't been alone for more than a few minutes. help me.

they know now. talk to mand, she wasn't supposed to be able to conceive. Okay???? It will happen! YOu KNOW what's happening and you know it can be treated. *cuddles tightly*