Out of options
 

God help me but I just don't know what to do, everything seems to be rocketing downhill and I just cant control it. I've been SI free for almost four years but I think that I am going to have to start again. Events have been on a downward slope now for almost 5 months, but the past 4 weeks they've just been going from bad to worse - My mother who I am working and sharing a work accomodation with is making my life a misery in and out of work, my boyfriend is going through some issues that are making him unsupportive of me - which doesnt help seeing as we split up a couple of months back and are trying to settle things down - and then my father who I have not seen in around 9 years and has pretty much has been out of my life since I was a toddler has got in touch with me and I just don't know how to deal with him - yet alone everything else that's going on around me. I'm constantly feeling down carrying this godawful emptyness around inside of me and NOBODY notices, not even my boyfriend who up until now could always see when I was down. I guess part of that is my fault I hide it and hide it well, I always have I dont know any other way to be. And I just know that I am going to cut. I don't want to I have spent SO long making myself find other ways to cope, so proud of the length of time I've survived without it but I seem to have run out of options, I cant see any other way to keep functioning day to day, if I don't give in and hurt myself I think it will get to the point where I wont bother dragging myself out of bed in the morning, or if I do just walk around like a zombie, doing what has to be done but completely empty on the inside I DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT I spent too long feeling nothing but a void inside myself I cant do it again, I wont. The detatchment with which I've been carrying things out is disturbing. I've re-aquired a blade, I took some dressings, alcohol wipes and antibacterial solution from the first aid box at work, all thats holding me back now is that my boyfriend is here until tomorrow morning and trying to figure out how to do it without him being suspicious of the cut because if he knows that I did it to myself it will devastate him, he saw me when I hurt myself before and it really hurt him, I don't want to do it to him but I can think of nothing else to keep me 'sane' I know I'm a bad person for doing this to him but I've got no choice.

Sorry if you had to read all that

I'm so scared now, I just wish someone would make it all go away

*snuggles tight*
hunni...i dont have anything useful and im so sorry.
please know that im thinking of you.
and my pm box is always open for you also.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I wish that most of the time - that things will just go away.

I think you need to think about yourself, rather than what will hurt your BF. I'm not going to say definitely don't cut, but I'm not going to encourage it either. There are other options. You can try and get some sleep, or watch some brainless TV, or even flick an elastic band against your arm/wrist for a while (hurts like hell, but only causes red marks). A bath might help.
But these are all short term solutions, what you, and all of us, need are long term ones.

Ignore your Dad for a while - he's not your Dad, he's just a sperm donor (to put it crudely).
Can you get out of the accomodation with your mother? Get some space for a while? Even stay at a friend's place for a week or so? Living and working with a parent is not a good thing, I've done it. But I managed to get out of it, and our relationship has gotten a lot better now. Is there any way you can move out or get another job?

Is there anyone around you that you can talk to about why you feel so down? What about your Mum? Will she listen and understand? I was very surprised one day when my Mum just came out and asked me about my SH, I had thought she would freak and have a screaming fit at me. But she didn't. What about yours? Will she understand?

If not is there someone else you can chat to?

And don't forget us either!

I don't know what the other issues are but have you tried making a to do list? E.g. get a job - but then you can break it down into smaller chunks. Such as: 1. check my CV, go onto Monster for some ideas for it. 2. Check any adverts in the newspaper that interest me? etc etc.

But the thing to do is keep talking, to us, to other people who care about you too.

Take care
Loz xx

Thanks for your posts they are much appreciated. I've decided to look for a new job am going to start looking this weekend. I cant talk to her, shes got her problems so is not willing to listen to mine, I've tried. As for the SH with her she acts like you thought your mum would shes not supportive in that aspect at all, never was before I stopped and never gave me any support when I did stop, she just sees it as attention seeking and looks down on it sees it as something to be punished rather than supported through. As for my dad he wants a relationship and I've been texting him, I didnt realise it would put me under the strain it has, I have 2 brothers I've never met and they told him they want to meet me but I dont know what to do. I've always had really bad choices in friends so I dont talk to most the people I once saw as friends because they were no good for me and offered no support and made my life worse. I just cant see how everything went so wrong again things were looking so good, after so many years of **** things were going my way for once ... and now they are going downhill again. :(

going to bed for abit now night x

So thats it. Almost 4 years and i'm back where I started, and now i just feel so guilty cos after I'd cleaned up my BF phoned me just to say he loves me and that hes missing me :S Im such a **** head

Im so sorry things are rough for you right now.

See this as a slip up. For almost 4 years youve been si free....nothing can take that away from you. You are now still almost 4 years free, but with a slip up....thats all it is sweetie.

Hope you have some luck with job searching at the weekend
much love xx

Thanks Grace :blush: I guess your right im just really annoyed at myself for being weak ... because I needed it and Ifeel like I've failed myself and those around me but at the same time want to give up recovery, not care about anyone else fall into old habits - even though I don't think I want it I don't know what I want I'm confused :crying:

I recently had 2 years SI free and felt this way, so I think I can relate a bit to how you're feeling. 4 years is an amazing acheivement! Please try to remember how well you've done in getting this far, your slip up doesn't change that. I'm not much good for advice right now but I wanted you to know you're not alone in feeling this way. Feel free to PM me if you ever want someone to chat to *hugs*

Thanks I'm trying to keep postive, I'm just really nervous atm cos I SI'd somewhere that not visible when I'm clothed but I'm trying to keep it hidden from my bf, I can't deal with seeing him dissapointed in me right now

I came clean with my bf and told him what I'd done, he was abit dissapointed in me but hes being supportive, it doesnt stop the guilt though - I know it hurts him