messmessmess
 

I don't even know why or how its done. This front, this highly functional exterior of which i'm forced to hide behind via alter induced dissociation if not by my own subconcious or somesuch. Even with my dearest friends. Well there is one, but everywhere else is closed off.

People have said to me that if i am 100% focused i could probably achieve some kind of 'normalcy' .. but .. ffs..its just not like that .. And so I tell them what they want to hear and carry on; lie lie lie - but are they lies..i'm not kidding myself - i know i'm not ok, but its better to throw fine at some people..they only get hurt otherwise and thats not the point.. this isnt supposed to hurt other people too.Of all the things to take pride in, i think i do 'highly functional' and 'ok' pretty damn well- despite it being to my downfall inevitably.

I've been crying alot lately, compared to normal. It started again, and I couldn't stop. torn into a thousand pieces and people were cutting my heart into bite sized pieces with a rusty saw; that feeling , the one i used to get before it was all numb - just overwhelming me all over again Its hard to make me cry. Not even at the most blatant attempts to induce emotion in films and books do it, but life...heh. I don’t know why.

My mind’s feeling rather disorganised at the moment. To some degree I know I just want to give up. The justification of the wrong and damning of the right is ever so wearing
I reached the point where cutting myself was again inevitable.
I felt slightly better afterwards. I guess sometimes I do just want to destroy myself. And now...immenantly suicidal. yes.

*hears you and understands*

But can offer no advice but that.

just want to stop everything. even if just for a moment
find homes for the pets, sort something out
not really sure of anything. desperately want to reach out to friends but meed to pull away and hide.
my mind is winning, whatever it wants to tell me is real stands. self belief can't be an issue if one is lead to believe there is none to begin with.
feel bad for my pup, she doesn't deserve to have been brought into such a world of ****.she should be with someone who can give her everything,stability. i love her so much but i just don't love myself.
im probably not making much sense , it doesn't feel like it

falling is easy. getting back up has to be something i want to do. but i don't
things go from **** to **** as easy as pie when they want to and its not like there is much choice left in the matter but to let things take their course. willing or not, here it comes

Aww hun *massive hugs* I really don't know what to say, but if you ever want someone to listen you can always PM me xx

Totally hear you! - Massive hugs! xxx

Becci you have my number again, don't be afraid to use it.

Care so so much.

xxx

I wish I knew how to help.
hugs

too much
far too muhc
i can t od it
i cant
i want to to some degree but i cant niot even for thiks
i can t
i want to but i cnat

love you becci.
*holds tight*
xxxxxxxxxxxx

really struggling.have everything i need. thoughts plaguing me, it just seems to easy right now.
i dont want to be selfish and i don't want to hurt people, but i can't see things resolving themselves sufficiently to change my mind
/it all stays the same....the day to day things in life just make it more intense, but even without the **** thats going on now, i'd still be haunted,attacked and ****ed over by the **** that goes on in my head.
I don't think things have been this clear before. I've attempted to die many a time, but things have always seemed foggy somehow- i didn't think so at the time, but i know now, now i'm able to be thinking so very clearly, that it wasn't right.
it is now.
probably doesn't make much sense. i don't want anything from this. i know its selfish, you're welcome to tell me the things i already know if thats a need you have though.
its not if its when
its not why, its where
its not an impulse, i'll clear up my affairs
but what does it matter really. its all the same when its written on a piece of paper.

thank you for your support i dont really have any words today. ignoring whats going on for me in hope it'll all go away

*hugs* i hear you, thats all i can say really

sometimes its the really small things that hurt the most. Well, they'd seem really small but-lets face it,they aren't
dear me. oh what a spectacular mess i am. planning for the perfect time. trying to figure out the amount of time i'll have.stupidpatheticmoron