falling
 

i spent all day today thinking of when the best time would be to go. i want to just walk out and finish everything, just have some peace at last. everythink hurts, and i keep crying, i am not sure how much i can take. my cpn comes around on tuesday, but i don't really know her, i am too scared to ask her for help. i don't think she could even help me anyway. i don't know where else to turn, if there is anyone who can help me. i don't know how i have made it this far, and i am scared cos i know the damage i can and want so much to do to myself. everything feels dark and i feel very far away from everything. i am falling, and i am not sure anyone can catch me this time. i don't know what to do*cries*

i just had a very bad few days, and i could feel myself falling further and further...no real reason, just everything, you know? i was so close to walking out today, just going. if i had thought justin would have let me go with the stuff i need. if i thought he would, then i would have. i can't think of anything positive...everthing just looks so black....

:blueteddysorry you are feeling so bad i hope things get better for you

Ella

i seem to be at a loss for words just now, but i wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts.
i agree with trace ^^, if you can talk to your cpn, even just a little, maybe she would be able to help you out, and help to ease the pain.

please keep talking to us here.

sky xx

First of all, who in the hell said that you need to KNOW your CPN to be able to tell them things?!?!? You dont, its easier if you do but you can do it without knowing them. I know its difficult, so write her a letter and give it to her when she comes to see you on tuesday, failing that, ask jo to be there an ask her to tell her whats happening.

I know you dont want to be guilt tripped but what about your kids? I think they would miss having a mum and i think thats something you have to fight for. Plus you need to be at the next london meet :-p
Im not going to give up on you without a fight, i just hope that you can do the same. If your struggeling it makes sense to get help. Its not time to give up yet, i know you can still fight this. And you know things can get better, you have seen it latley, this is just a bump in the road.
*cuddles*

Kerry,

I don't have anything constructive to say. Just that I wish you didn't feel this bad. You are a wonderful woman and you have supported me in my time of need. I will gladly do the same for you. I know you have my number, so text or call me anytime if there is every anything I can do for you.
I believe you can get through this Kerry, you are strong.
Take care
xxx

i just wanted to let you know i am thinking of you, and agree that you should try and talk to your cpn, she is there to help so there must be something she can do, maybe have a think about what might help that way you can ask her for such and such when she comes if she doesn't know how to help

No words or reassurance. Sorry. Just that another person who cares has read your post and hears you.
*cuddles*

Bitter angels said it all, if you can't talk to your cpn then maybe a letter might help. Also if you don't know her it might be easier, i find talking to strangers easier, not sure why, maybe coz its because they don't have any expectations already. Please talk things over with someone though x hugs x

thankyou all for just being there for me. i have ran out of things to say, but it means a lot that you are there. things don't seem any better today, and if i had not promised to myself to wait till justin was over his operation, then i would have gone. i really don't think talking to my cpn will make any difference, and to be honest i really don't think i can. justin will be here when she comes and i know that will stop me saying anything. i will try to write her a letter, but like i said, i don't think it will work, i think i have been past helping for a long time now, and i think maybe they should help someone who deserves it, which i most certainly don't. the doctors at the hospital last time i was in made it perfectly clear they didn't want to help me. i should have listened then. i have tried so hard, i tried to fight, tried to be ok. now i feel so bad, i can't eat i have to force myself to drink. i am just waiting now i think, so that i know that justin is well enough.

Kerry you deserve it just as much as the next person. forget the excusses you know they wont wash with me.
You can ask justin to leave the room if you want to talk. You can still pass aletter to your cpn while he is there. There are ways around it. Please look for the postive ways instead of the easy ones, i promise they will be more rewarding.

i am not making excuses, its just really how i feel right now. i know i can ask justin to leave the room or whatever but then i still have to make the words come out. how do i do that when i can't even tell people i know? i never asked for easy kim. i think you know me better than that. if i was gonna go with easy, i wouldn't be thinking bout this would i?

you deserve help just as anyone else does.
i dont know you but i saw a post that you have children.
and i can tell you, my son is what has kept me alive for many years.
he is my motivation.
please please get some information to your CPN however you can. it will help.
*big squishes*
loves.
xxxxx

I didnt say you asked for easy, but ending it would be easy for you and hell for everyone else.
Have you seen the CPN yet? if so how did it go?

i see my cpn in the morning. justin has read this thread and said he would leave the room while i talk to her. i still think i am gonna be to scared to talk to her. what can she do to help really? the doctors at the hospital already made it very clear they don't want to help me. why would she be any different?

*squishes you*
try not be so quick to judge on how they will be.
give them a chance hunni.
i hope it goes well for you.
loves.
xxxxx

well she came. and she went. and she was no help what so ever.*shrugs* i dunno why i even had a hope that she would be. she told me to go for a walk. meh, i feel even worse than before she came.

Kerry you are surrounded by great support, use it!!
You have great people around you who want to help you fight, who are there for you no matter what, and you know what, i dont think you can even see them! If i had half the support you have i would be so lucky. Please use the support. If you need a break, go and see Jo, like she has offered. Talk to Justin, write him daily letters on how your feeling if need be. Most of all stop pushing people away and let them help you.
You are lucky even if you dont see it. And if such great people are around you then i imagine your a pretty great person too even if you dont see it.

hey sweetie,

im sorry things are bad for you cakey you have always been there when i needed someone

if there is anything i can do im here for you

lots of love and cuddles

midnight xxxx