My Heart is sick....*trigger on second page*
 

it NEVER stops hurting.

*massive cuddles*

I'm not suprised hun, you've not had an easy time of it. But it will heal and one day it won't hurt as much and as often.

Love you Rachy xxx

oh rach... *cuddles you tightyl* i'm thinking of you honey, i wish I could help! *hugs lots*

*snuggles Rach*

Sometimes it feels that way. I does for me right now.

i know that feeling and it hurts deep inside but it will ease we all have to have that faith, kelly loves you and keith loves you look at them next time you see them both together see the love for you they have in their hearts and try and let that ease the pain in yours
*cuddles rach*

it'll get better sweet babygirl!!! i'm always here for you. you KNOW that. so i hope i can do SOMETHING to help lessen the hurt. if there is, please just let me know.

ALL MY LOVE,
ALWAYS,
NO MATTER WHAT!!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

laughter is the best medicine.

(((rachel)))

:sad:...I know what that can be like.

{{{{{{{{{{{lots of hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}...it will get better I promise.

Catherine xxxx

*hugs*
wish i could say or do something to make it stop hurting.
thinking of you. xx

thank you everyone.

no sleep last night. nightmares.
2 flashbacks today.
physically hurting so bad.
mentally numb.

*hugs more*
i wish i could say or do something useful, i really do.
i'm around if you want to pm or anything.

please take care of yourself.

sky xx

Hey hun

*hearts hurts also*

Maybe we can both breathe calmly and imagine a nice safe calm place in our heads together.

*hugs*

*cuddles*

thank you everyone.

despite the flashbacks and nightmares it has been a beautiful night. Kelly and i are watching movies and relaxing. she put two flowers from the bouquet in my hair. it was really sweet.
i just popped on here for a sec.

love you guys.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Glad you're having a beautiful night with Kelly sweetheart. *snuggles*

*trigger for sexual abuse*



















1:30am.
no sleep for me tonight again it looks like.
Kelly and i were intimate and it almost always upsets me. i used to think being with a woman wouldnt trigger me but it does. she is perfect with me, so gentle and sensitive. but i still cry afterwards. i dont understand it and it makes me feel horrible. i feel like im letting her down. she's used to it by now. but i want it to STOP. im tired of feeling guilty after sex. i always have and im sick of it. im with someone i truly love and i cant enjoy intimacy like i should.
it hurts my feelings and makes me raging mad at the same time.
i always think of him. always.
i just want to be happy. why is that so much to ask for???
i work for it. ive been working for it a long ****ing time.
im so tired.
i just dont know what to do anymore.:crying:
im sorry.

hold on please! *cuddles rach*

i do the same thing, i try and hide it sometimes but i cry after i have been intimate too and i hate the feeling it gives me why shouldn't i enjoy it but i just seem to fall apart after.
i just wanted you to know your not alone feeling like that

im just really really mentally sick.

its going on 3am and i cant sleep.
im so tired.

thoughts are racing all through my mind.
i dont want to hurt myself or anything related to that.

im just really sad and depressed. worried about alot of things.

i deleted my other threads because it was ridiculous to have 3 threads up at the same time. im really sorry for taking up those spaces that other people could have.

ive been thinking of Keith all night.
i took care of Kaleb tonight and it just really triggered me.
i realize Keith is never coming home until he is grown and makes his own decision. he will be getting his balloons tomorrow.
i really hope he call me tomorrow night.

everyone hates me for missing our visit. i dont blame them. hell, i hate myself for it.

im depressed because ive damaged alot of nerves and tendons by cutting.
ive lost alot of strength in my left hand. its hard to grip anything heavy or hold anything for a long period of time. i cant fell my forearm excpet for the shooting pains every once in a while. ive been trying exercise my fingers but even they are weak and it takes so much energy to work them.

i cant believe i actually did this to myself. it makes me sick.

i have therapy tomorrow.
i feel so lost.
i just want sleep and its been so hard to get lately.

i dont know why im posting.
i guess because im frustrated and feel so alone.

i always have Kelly but i try not to bring her down. and god knows ive put her through hell recently.

i just want peace of mind for once.

i want time to go backwards.
but that cant happen.

all i have now is the future and its so uncertain. ive done nothing that i had dreamed of as a child. i feel a failure. and my mother never fails to remind me of that. i love her to pieces but when we talk she always mentions how i should be out in the world "making a difference".

well...she doesnt understand that i can barely make it out my front door.
im scared i will never be anything but what i am now which feels like nothing. just a slug that eats, sleeps, and takes up oxygen.

im sorry for rambling. just trying to stay busy.
i'll shut up now.

oh honey *cuddles* i'm sorry I don't have anyhting to say really. I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. *cuddles*