it's getting worse..
 

okay, so I know I have posted here before recently and I truly am very sorry for that, but I just. don't know what to do right now.
I have been having extreme suicidal thoughts for about two weeks now more or less (..or is it three already. I cannot remember) and up until now I just kept telling myself that I had to survive and that I was not allowed to give up.
i stayed in my room all day long so i wouldn't be able to kill myself, I did everything I could to not do it.
it was very hard, but I still felt like I had a bit of control over the situation.

now, I don't. my life is slipping away. I cannot seem to get a firm grip on it anymore.
I am trying to grab it, but it won't let me. I cannot be rational anymore.
I don't want to keep myself from doing it anymore. it doesn't matter. I feel like giving in.

I might call a crisis line later and ask them what to do, but I can't right now because my mother is still awake.
plus, I am scared to do it on my own.
I know it's stupid and useless, but could someone maybe just. be there. with me. when I call? I don't like talking to people and I don't know what to tell them. I don't want to say that I am on the edge of killing myself because I am afraid they will send an ambulance and lock me up.
I just have to get through tonight.
I am not sure what to do right now.

call the crisis line, keep posting in this thread, i'll check it every 10mins or so to reply ok?
mand x

I can't talk to my mom. she thinks I'm okay. it would break her heart to find out that i want to kill myself. I can't see her like this.

there are so many people on the chat. i don't know if I can manage that.

I will ring later. I hope I can do it.

thank you both.

could you just tell your mum you're feeling a bit down - blame it on hormones?? sit and have a cuddle? watch a film maybe?
will be back in 10ish mins, mand x

I could. I don't know if I can go up to here though. I am not usually a cuddly person. i don't like it when people touch me. maybe I will go sit with her nonetheless.

yeah go sit with her, you know you're safe then, mand x

i'm sick of trying. I'm sick of surviving. I cannot do this.