another year just the same can't carry on! *ALSO SI TRIGGER*
 

i guess i don't really know what i want to say.
i am falling apart, it is coming up to 12 years since i was raped repeatedly by someone i thought loved me and i have never told anyone how bad it realy was, i was pushed into telling my parents by my husband but i only told him and them that i was raped not the fact i happened over and over and then he decided it would be fun to let his friends beat and rape me while he watched it makes me want to really hurt myself just typing this i hate myself i feel dirty and scared even 12 years on every year i feel apart and one way or another end up in hospital.
i did something really stupid last night i took too many pills then proceeded to cut pretty badly, i passed out when i woke it was just all a big mess.
the cuts are pretty deep but i know i can't go to the hospital i can't steri strip them as they won't stay together but i don't really care i just want to give up, i just think after 12 years i should be dealing with this better but i know for as long as my kids are out the house i will just be drinking cutting and overdosing hoping that one of the overdoses finally puts me to sleep for good.
sorry i feel really selfish for going on about this when i know people are really struggling here, i don't deserve your help but i just need someone to read this and let me know they hear me.
LJ

thank you so much for your reply it means so much to me right now.
I am not with my husband right now, we are going to try and make a go of it but we live apart for the time being.
i have a cpn and phyc but we have decided that the only place safe enough for me to have therapy and talk about it all would be in hospital.
i cant go to the hospital or gp i am so worried they will take my children

Oh hun I'm so sorry this has happened to you *huggles* I wish I could say the magic words and make it all go away. But I can't :( I'm so sorry :( Please try get some help with this, someone needs to no the extent and can help you with this. I don't want you to do anything :( *huggles* ur my aunty :(

trace thank you for taking the time to reply, it would be full inpatient treatment as opening up stuff and then going home they don't feel would be safe.
the only person that would take my children would be my husband, if he gets the impression i am not coping he will take them off me and i couldn't cope with that. without my children i am nothing
thank you katie, i am still here for now thank you for the words.

*huggles* I'm glad your still here!!!

i spent the night at the hospital managed to convince them not to admit me, have my nurse coming round today so it probably isn't over yet. got to get my arm replastered this morning as i though it was a good idea to remove my cast in my rage yesterday.
i am so tired i just want to let go

Your husband won't accept that his taking care of them while you are in hospital will make it better and safer for you to parent them when you are home again?

I wish I had some wisdom for you.

*hugs you*

he just wouldn't let me have them back
thank you so much for the words any words right now help i just feel so alone

i have been back to the hospital and had a new cast put on am feeling very sore and yet numb at the same time.
i have physio at 1.30 on my ankle then my nurse is coming round after that. i just can't go into hospital right now i need to be at home

I'm sorry that you're going through such an awful time. I hope you manage to sort out a treatment program with the hospital that fits round your needs x

*squishes tight*
i dont think your husband would legally have a chance at taking your kids away. by going into the hospital, it would prove that you are taking the steps to recover. and just so you know, questioning yourself as a mother means you ARE a good mother. bad moms dont care and certainly dont question themselves hunni.
thinking of you.
loves.
xxxxx

thank you so much i appreciate the replies
i am just so scared of everything right now just all feels too much to cope with.
xxx

another night no change, it just gets harder to hold on

i know what it is like to be scared.

do you have any other family or friends who could take your children for a couple of days so you could get some intensive support at the hospital for a short while? do they have friends they could stay with?

there is no shame in still feeling scared but what happened to you wasn't your fault and does not make you dirty.

what did your nurse say?

thank you for the reply, there is no-one that really knows how bad things are and i am not sure anyone could just drop their lives to help me.
i am under a very close eye by my nurse and the community support team,but my nurse has pretty much told me if things don't improve i am going to have to be admitted, i really can't go back to hospital

*holds LJ close*
I too am a survivor of rape. I know what kind of devastating affects (mental,emotional,etc) it can have on a person, because I have lived it.
You know how people say "you don't know how it is until you been there?" Well Honey, I've been there, so I know.
You know where to find me if you ever need to talk (or just a shoulder to cry on).
And I am more than willing to help you in any way I can, even if it means just listening. Together, we will get past this!!!!!

*huggles* wish i could make it all better for u :(

thank you its so nice even if there is no-one in my life i can talk to, i know there are people here who care

yesh, we all care here :) and are here to help u thru it in anyway *huggles*