Ready to Pop (tw)
 

I am walking around my flat and keep looking at the pills that I know will end me.
I was telling myself to wait a week and see if I coulf lose a few lbs then I would at least die knowing I had lost some weight. Stupid I know.

But I am near popping point. Family issues have brought up stuff that I can't deal with and I feel like it has all been fast forwarded to the OD point.

The pills are the ones I had the other w/e when I ended up being resusitated and in itu.

I know this would be it.

I know I'm meant to call my CPN today but she said to call about 4pm. only 2 hours but it seems like years.

I reeally am pulling myself apart right now and no idea how to do anythng else.

*Hugs*, I know losing weight seems really important to you, but it isn't the be all and end all, only recently I've managed to start eating normally.
Is there anyone you can give those pills to, to look after for you, that is if you need them (as in you dont have to take them for a medical condition), if you don't and if you are just keeping them to OD with, just throw them away, get them as far away from you as possible, so at least the close proximity of the pills itself doesn't tempt you.

Sorry I'm not much help, feel free to PM me.
x

I don't need them for perscription reasons and I couldn't give them to anyone as they call call cops saying I'm suicidal and that would be awful as they are horrid.
I'm not strong enough to chuck them away.

Losing weight is and has been for 15 years the most important thing for me.

I am fighting to not cut, I have done well in that bit I'm fighting the urge but it is hard But I'm determind to not do that.

It is the pills I want. The peace and calm. the feeling I had the other week. I can't explain it but I had NO regret at all.

Damn this is a negative post.
I'm sorry.

Hi hun, im sorry this is so late, I really hope you have managed to resist the urges and that you're ok.
Taking the pills will not fix things, suicide is not the answer and it will not make things better. Think of all the people you would hurt, how many lives you would destroy. Im sorry to be so frank but its true. Please have a read of THIS thread and THIS thread. They are both very well written and might be able to help you.

I dont know about your issues with weight as you havent written much, but the fact that you have not cut is a real achievment, you should be really really proud of yourself.
You need to talk to someone, you need to let someone know how you are feeling, suicide might be what you think you want now, but there is so much more for you, so much more. You cant let this beat you now.
Please take care, RYL is here for you.
Aimee xx

I did manage to get hold of my CPN finally yesterday and I'm seeing her tomorrow. she knows how I feel I was honest and crying (which is unlike me). But there isn't really anything that can be done.
I haven't cut. I fought the urge, thinking that in the whole of things it wouldn't help me. So I took a valium and hoped that would work but not much I was awake all night. thinking of the pills, knowing how they would work and I'd get outta life and get the peace.

I got family issues going on and one Aunt bringing back demons trying to make me talk about it and it is tearing me up more. I can't have those memories I need them to go. But they are plaguing me again more.
the knife is my constant companion which is scarey. It shouldn't be so. I should have it in the drawer but I am too scared of the voices to not have it.

I'm fucked up and I hateit.
Getting out would relieve it all. Free others from me.

No one needs freeing from you, you seem lovely, you really do.
Just hold on until you can see your CPN, ok? You're doing so well and I know it must be tough. Do anything you can to distract yourself - something you enjoy, anything that will take your mind of everything destructive.
Lots of hugs, Emma. x