just really need support right now, even hugs will do...
 

I feel awful guys. I may tell my psych about it tomorrow when I see her, gotta go back anyway to get the refill for my adhd meds, that's the only bad thing about those is they require a written script so it can't just go thru the computer so I have to see her... but it took forever, but I finally got lucky and got one I really like... she's cool cuz she works mostly with kids, and she actually specializes in adhd, and she has all kinds of toys in her office and a small sandbox which I insist is NOT just for the kids :p

It's just... everything is wrong right now. I'm scared. I don't feel safe. I feel hopeless and I NEED to get out of here or something. I want to come back and edit this later but I am going to fall asleep soon, I took a sleeping pill which is kicking in now, I normally don't like those but didn't want to do something stupid tonight.

I can't even trust my own family, so it's hard for me to trust others. But I try, and right now I really want someone to talk to. But even the people who say that I can talk to them, that they'll be there and listen, they have been blowing me off lately. I'm scared cuz I have some serious health issues going on right now. And perhaps one of the scariest things is my whole family, including my dad, now knows where I live. I was planning on staying in my house I'm in now for at least another year, because I like the house and love my room here. But I can't, with them knowing where to find me. But that also means having to find someone to take my spot in the house, which may be tricky. And finding a place to live where I feel safe, on such very short notice, isn't exactly an easy or low-stress task either. And my family knows where I work... people are always around at work, so I feel a little safer, but not a lot.... and my house was broken into last night- nothing was stolen that I've noticed anyway. But I got home and my door from my private enterance was wide open and I had even double checked and made sure it was locked and closed, and I had to call the police cuz I was afraid to enter the house alone and once again the police department gave me a hard time, because I called last week from that truck that kept coming by and parking infront of my house for periods of time without getting out of the truck... and I saw the exact same truck drive by tonight, and that scares me too.

And my dad called and left me several messages tonight. And I talked to him on the phone. And he's making some pretty scary, serious threats now. And I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can go to the police for help. They probably think I'm just paranoid and crazy now anyway, and the two occassions I've interacted with them they were complete jerks and made it seem like I was a waste of their time.

Maybe I am though. Maybe I'm a waste of everyone's time. I am falling asleep writing this so I need to go to bed. If only I didn't have to wake up.... at least sleep is good. maybe I'll feel a little better and be able to think more rationally when I get up in the morning. Sleep sometimes helps. And I can't do anything too stupid in my sleep, generally.... I sleepwalk, but don't always, and I think with how this medicine is making me drift off right now, I doubt I will have to worry about sleep walking tonight.

I'm so sorry. I feel like I've been not replying to as many posts as I should be, not helping others enough, most of you probably think I'm a self-centered bitch.... I have been so overwhelmed lately and I just feel like I can't offer the quality suport that so many people need, and I feel horrible for asking for support and not giving back as much as I probably should... I'll try harder, maybe tomorrow, it's just hard for me when I've got so much going thru my mind, I just need to get some of this out I think, that's why I'm coming back to edit this post in the morning to add more, there's more to be gotten out but at least now I'll be going to bed with a little less on my mind.

So yea.... I just really need... something... reight now... advice, suggestions, support, hugs, random comments or jokes... i don't know really... but i do know right now my body is telling me it is going to sleep... so thanks to whoever reads this tonight.

i hope youve gone to sleep, things should seem better in the morning. have you told the police about the threats? i know it seems like your bothering them but its their job
you take care and if you feel unsafe, go to a friends place.
take care
annie

I'm so sorry to hear about how you've been feeling, believe me you're not wasting the police's time, their job is to protect you. And don't worry about not giving support to others, you just have to focus on yourself right now, it's not self-centred at all.

Take care, and PM me if you want a chat, I'll be here practically all summer.
x

Im sorry your feeling so bad right now, Try and have a good talk to your psych tomorrow, that will also give you something to focus on to help you through the day.
If you feel threatened again dont be to scared to speak to the police again, they have a job to do and you have every right to use them.
have you got a friend or family member you can perhaps spend some time with so your not alone whilst your feeling like this?, when you wake up maybe stay in bed and watch your fave film to occupy your mind for a while.

Take care xxx

First of all please dont appologise for posting, or feeling like you havent been offering support, you are the most important one, and if you dont feel strong enough then it truely doesnt matter, just take care of yourself. RYL is big enough , there are plenty of people to give support if you dont feel strong enough.
Secondly you are not a waste of everybodys time, you are just as special as everyone else and you deserve just as much help and support. Im so sorry the police have been treating you badly, they have no right to do that. I definatly think you should tell your psych about everything, how you're feeling, the things that are scaring you and making you uncomfortable, it might be an idea to print out what you have written, you have written elloquently and I think it might be a lot of help to her.
You should definatly tell someone, if not her, about the threats being made against you, maybe if you could get someone else to understand whats happening the police wouldnt treat you so badly and you might be able to get some help from them. You should not have to feel scared to live in your own house and be receiving threats, I really think you should tell your psych, particularly as you feel so comfortable with her.
Can I ask why you dont trust your family? You dont have to tell me, or you can pm me if you're more comfortable with that. Is there anyone you do trust? Friends, or co-workers? People you could talk to about your fears, people who will help and support you?
I hope you're sleeping well, and that when you wake up you feel a bit better. Im here if you want to talk.
Take care, stay safe
Aimee xx

There's no need to feel guilty at all...we are all just here to support each other when we can and I hope you feel better soon. Feel free to lean on us and let us support you...we know you would do the same for us if you felt up to it so no need to worry hunny. Feel free to pm me if you need to chat about anything.

p.s you are not wasting anybodies time...really. xxxx hugs take care.

i'm not sure of the best thing to say, except i know a little bit how it is to feel afraid, though my situation is much different, i think. i would talk to my psych if i were you. i find for myself that my therapist or phychiatrist can be the safest people most of the time. i would also suggest being near other people to keep yourself safe. when i am very vulnerable sometimes i have to force myself to be in the presence of others, not to interact per se, but to deter my thoughts from becoming actions as i rarely SI in front of others. if you feel safe enough, perhaps being in a bookstore you like or something? although when i am feeling fearful and mistrustful and a little out of it, i think it's best for me to find someone to confide in. otherwise i might wander and end up doing something i regret. i don't know. talk to your psych. try to find some way of grounding yourself without harming yourself. i wish i could reach through the computer. sometimes i just need person to person contact with someone safe. please take care.

Thanks a lot for the replies everyone *hugs everyone*

I saw the psychiatrist this morning.... we got off on a tangent and I ended up not telling her any of this stuff, it seemed more stuff for my therapist (who I see tomorrow afternoon, but it's my last normal appointment with her before we make the transition to the new therapist who I haven't met yet), not the psychiatrist... cuz most psychiatrists don't want to spend more than 5 minutes with you, you go in they hand you drugs and you leave, tho this one is different and will talk to you some (while letting you play with the toys!) and she gave me the script for the adhd meds that was all I really needed, this heart medicine has really calmed me down a lot, it really sedates me (but almost makes me feel a bit lethargic, which isn't good really), but the cardiologist did say that a lot of my anxiety was most likely due to my heart problems and once we fixed those I may notice a difference... my psychiatrist was fun to go to today, I actually enjoy seeing her, even though I view being on medication as a weakness normally, I'm starting to get over that, cuz I only get to keep seeing her if I'm taking medicine, and she's nice- she will actually REALLY listen to what you are telling her, and she made me feel great today, I wore short sleeves in to see her mainly cuz I slept in too late and forgot to put on a sweater, but then I figured it wasn't a big deal, and so she saw my tattoos and we started talking about them and she just commented on how pretty they all were (and never said anything about the scars!) and when she learned that I had designed them all myself she was even more impressed and that made me feel good... and she appologized cuz she was running a bit late today, but I told her it wasn't a problem and that she was always worth waiting for because she's the best doctor I've ever met (which is really true... she's awsome, she seems like she honestly cares and wants to help and she doesn't make me feel bad about myself like the other doctors have, my old psychiatrist would always say mean things to me and tell me I was never gonna succeed and such and this one would never say something like that, and she even gave me her direct line last month so if I need to reach her I can call that instead of dealing with the nurses, and she's superbly prompt at returning calls...), and she gave me a hug and said that I had just made her day which made me feel good cuz she even looked so much happier after I had told her that... so I didn't want to tell her anything negative was going on in my life, just cuz she seemed a bit stressed at running behind so I didn't want to take up much of her time and then she looked so much better and happier after me saying how great of a dr she was, I didn't want to ruin that for her... cuz I feel bad for her, I'm sure her job must be really stressful, she's always trying to make other people feel better and I doubt anyone ever goes in and asks her how she's doing or compliments her on her hair or anything else like she always does to other people. I've thought about getting or making a gift for her to take in and give to her next time I see her, but I don't know if that would be out of place or anything. It's just nice, to have her realize that the cutting is part of my past but that people change, and she doesn't hold that against me, and she said she sees cutting a lot in people with adhd, and she says it's hard but you can quit for good, and the combination of the medication and behavior therapy have helped.... And she's the first doctor to make me feel comfortable with having the diagnosis of adhd in bold at the top of my medical chart, I used to get so upset every time a doctor pulled up my chart on the computer and I saw that, but she doesn't make it out to be a bad thing that means I'm going to fail... she was able to turn it around and help me see the good side of it... like today she pointed out that my tattoo designs were beautiful and that I was good and drawing and designing things and that many people with adhd can be very creative, and she said that the adhd is what gives me all that extra energy and thrill-seeking behavior and it does get me into trouble quite a bit, but it's also what has made me a good surfer and other things... she's the only one who has ever bothered to even acknowledge a positive side and still treat me like a normal human being...

I called this lady I know from school, who was going to help me get a restraining order on my dad, I left a message to see about talking to her, so far haven't heard back though :( I don't really want to get the restraining order right now, cuz last week I exploded at my aunt and grandma and ended up telling them some of the horrible things my dad had done to me and said the only way I'd go to any family functions is being escorted by a police officer, and they told my dad and my dad's making threats to scare me out of filing a police report, if I went for a full blown restraining order, that'd be even worse.

I honestly can't handle this managing the bills thing. I'm already a disorganized person by nature. Bills takes a lot of organization. It might not be so bad, except that I have to pay everything myself and am having trouble getting reimbursed by the other girls in the house, especially since a lot of them are in different countries right now. And they're not gonna like it when I tell them I'm moving out, because no one else wants to deal with the hassle of the bills, and we'd either have to keep it in my name (and I'm not sure I trust them to pay it on time every month and not screw up my credit) or we don't get any refund for the deposit we paid to get any of them started up in my name, and the girls will have to pay a new deposit... but I just don't feel safe here... and I don't know where I'll go... I'm not even sure if I'm gonna try to join the Navy any more, it'd get me away from my family, but at the same time my dad knows a lot of the guys in the navy and I just found out he knows this recruiter I've been working with too :/ All the military people my dad knows thinks he's a pretty good guy, and I'm worried with him having connections with the military, he'd still be able to track me down and I'm worried if I tell the military about him, what he's really like, they'll not care and tell me that the military is tough and if I can't handle a little dicipline from my dad then I need to toughen up or something...

Oh and crayola- I love the little kitty picture in your avitar thingy... that made me smile, thanks :)

Hi there. I'm pretty useless right now cause I don't know what to say, but I seriously hope that things will work themselves out. Hang tough and don't give up. *hugs* I get the impression that your father is more of a jerk than a father. What you're going through right now must be really scary, no doubt. PM me if you need someone to talk to.