I don't know if I can do this...
 

I've got too much to do and I can't handle it.

I'm back living with my parents since my marriage ended and even now I just can't face all the things I have to do.

I've got some responsibilities you see - I'm a Guide leader. And now's about the time I've got to start working on the programme for the new term, invite new girls along...

And I've got a confession. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone this, but I haven't been doing everything I should. There's quite a lot of paperwork and stuff involved with this, and I haven't been doing it. I haven't even been paying the cheques and money and stuff in - I've just been leaving it and letting it mount up. And now I don't know what to do because I will get found out and no-one will ever trust me again. I'm letting the girls down.

I'm going on holiday next week and I haven't got any clothes to wear. And I can't seem to motivate myself to prepare.

My car needs re-insuring.

I can't even be bothered to tidy up after myself.

And really, deep down... I want to end it all. I do, I can't even imagine living until, for example, next year. I took an overdose a while ago and was sick as a dog (moron that I am I drank a bottle of gin along with it and it all came back up) and now the idea of pills makes me feel sick all over again. I can't even take a painkiller these days. I've never managed to cut deep enough to bleed myself to death (I'm so pathetic). Where would I hang a rope? Could I, when it came down to it, crash my car? Jump off a roof? Find a gun from somewhere and shoot myself?

It's harder than you think, really, isn't it?

What I'd really like to do is to cut myself up. It's been so long. I've got the blades. My arms are white and ready, my blood red and hot just like it always was. But I'm a grown up now and I've got responsibilities and I'm meant to be getting so much better.

In therapy (I'm having CBT at the moment) on Monday I completely broke down. I've cried in front of my therapist before but yesterday I sobbed. I'm desperate. I don't know what to do. I want to die.

I'm just... lost, really.

hey,
it's good you are having therapy and feel able to show your therapist how you're really feeling.
can you ask your parents to help you with the paperwork and stuff?
being a grown up doesnt take away the urges to cut. can you ask your therapist to help you come up with some alternatives, like drawing, or holding ice cubes, to help you avoid cutting?

First off make a list of what you have to do ie pay the money into the bank, pack for your hols. Then break the list down into much smaller chunks like sort the moeny eady to be paid. Put money in envelopes, get clothes out, iron ect ect.

Things often dont seem as overwhleming when they are broken down into managable chunks. Once you have your list, reward yourself. It dosnt have to be something big, it might be a cup of tea and a busicuit or a chat to a friend.

Then set yourself a time to get the first thing on your list done then reward again once its done.

I know its difficult to be motivated, but sometimes you have to look at it this way. You are getting yourself worked up because you have not done it, so surley the effort of doing it is better than thinking about how you have not done it.

Just becuase you are an adult does not mean you are not aloud to struggle. Its understandable, but you are doing well, you have not given into urges yet so be pleased at that. Its not worth screwing things up to give into urges right now, you will feel so much more proud of yourself if you come through this without giving in.

And just think you have a holiday comming up where nothing will be expected from you.

I wish you look in it and hope you have a good holiday.

Kim

Age doesn't have anything to do with self injury. It is just a way of coping. We all get overwhelmed and do whatever we have to. That you realise that there is a problem means that you are starting the process of finding other ways to cope and figuring out how to heal.

Take Care of yourself. You are worth it.

Thank you for your support, everyone.

I realise age actually doesn't relate to SI - but I just feel like I'm going back in time in my own life, you know? Spending time crying in my room in my parents' house, coming on RYL, thinking about dying... It's like I'm 17 again.

But remmeber that you did get through it before just like you will now. It wont be long before you are looking back on this and laughing. Look at it as a hiccup.