Have I Ever Told You????*update, trigger for weight etc.*
 

who i really am????

so yeah...my name is Rachel. i have a son. he's 11. i dont have him. my father is dead. my mother speaks to me on her terms. i have an internal belief that i may be evil. i dont purposely hurt people. it just happens. and when i look back on my 31 years...i wish like hell i could have a "take back".....a "redo". but those dont exist. the past is just that. the PAST.

in light of a few recent pm's....i have to confess something else.

this time last year, i had accepted a proposal to marry Michael(Keith's father). he stayed with me after my dad died. he was fabulous to me. we were on and off for 11 years and i finally accepted his proposal. sounds nice yeah????
well....listen to this......

my hands are shaking just writing this. my eyes are making tears which is very unusual. i have blocked this out for a year now but it is time to face it now.

it all started with a friend request from Kelly on myspace. i loved her when she left the state for another woman. and i continued to love her. but i had began to accept that she wasnt coming back. Michael and i became close again. it was just like it always had been. we were Rachel and Michael again. if you had known us....it was really special. anyhow....this request came. i was floored. i accepted her as a friend. we then started talking over the phone. within a week she was at my house. the next day i left with her and never looked back. do you understand???

i left Michael with no explanation. i just disappeared. i didnt have the guts to tell him anything. i spoke to him once after moving here but the conversation basically consisted of him calling me every nasty thing he could think of....all the while his voice cracking. i gave him hope. i gave him security. and just like that!!! i ABANDONED him.

i have not spoken to him in a year. i dont know where he lives or if he's back on drugs. i know nothing except i broke his heart. and im just now allowing myself to think about it. **** that. im not just thinking about it. im consumed by it. i cant sleep. i cant eat. i can barely stay hydrated. Kelly is sleeping soundly, as she should be. her husband knew everything. they still speak on a regular basis.

ive always known i was a bad person. but ive just now realized that im NOT bad. im pure evil. i dont mean to be. i promise. i pay a huge price for the crimes ive committed.

i dont know what the punishment for this one should be though. its probably the one im most ashamed of. if it werent for Keith coming this weekend....i would truly hurt myself more than i ever have before. but it will have to wait.

i am Rachel. i have son that i only see twice a year. my father is dead. my brother doesnt acknowledge my existence. i am guilty.
this is who i really am.

Okay i read this expecting something terrible... I'm still waiting. *makes you take those flowers* rach, what you did wasn't very nice. That is very true. But it wasn't pure evil. It wasn't even a little bit evil. Maybe you could try to find michael? I'm not sure. But it wasn't evil. And I want you to have these *gives flowers* you DO deserve them. YOu're having a really rough time and I'm sorry things aren't all that good but I REFUSE to believe that you're evil. It wasn't very nice, I know that, but I don't think it's evil. Okay? Good. *hugs you tight*

Jess...

i dont know what to say to that.
i guess thank you would be appropriate.

i need pain. very very badly. if i do something tonight.....i could take myself to get stitched i suppose. ****. this is bad. but im not scared. nothing i do to myself can compare to what i did to him. i did call him a few months back but only got voicemail. i left a message but never received a call back.

you're right though, the past is in the past. what strikes me as the most important thing is that you found someone you loved, and you chose to make your life with her rather than settle for second best, as it were.

so many people live their whole lives regretting not taking that step to be with the person they really love.

Give him another call. Keep trying.

DOn't hurt yourself. It wont help. In th long run it will make you feel worse. You know that!! *cuddles* Please don't. Please pease don't. *cries* I think he will have moved on. It does take time but it does happen. Okay? *cuddles you tightly* Please don't hurt yourself rach.

Making mistakes doesn't make you evil hun. Yes you could probably have handled the situation differently but sometimes we do things that we shouldn't. I have seen some lovely supportive posts on here that you've written and no one evil would write those things. Can you try to stay safe until you see Keith? If it gives you the motivation to look after yourself then it's worth doing. *hugs you*

im sorry guys....

im completely hysterical. and im alone. i wont wake Kelly. shes taken her sleeping tabs and is out cold, plus i think it hurts her feelings to know that im this upset about Michael. so now im hurting 2 people!!!! god damn me to hell!!!!

ok...holy ****...little off subject but there was just a very loud gunshot outside. its 2:30am here. no one should be out there. hmmmm.....i turned on the porch light...was that a bad idea? little Kaleb is next door with Kelly's parents. i just called her parents and got voicemail.

well....maybe justice will be done tonight. i just dont want anyone else hurt. ****. now im really really paranoid. i'll be at this pc all night.

Keep typing if it helps you to calm down and stay safe. It's okay for you to be upset about Michael, you two were obviously close at one point and you need to let yourself deal with how things ended x

****.
my chest hurts. my breathing is rapid. i know this is only a panic attack but try telling that to me now. **** again. my throat is tight. im trying to control the breathing thing. im out of xanax...imagine that. its all up to me now. no miracle fix.

i know how to make it stop. i know where they are. this is hard. almost too hard. i just want to get through this night unscathed. im not very dependabkle or capable right now.

take your meds honey. *hugs* don't take them all. take the ones you need. don't hurt yourself :( if you hear anymore gunshots, call the police.

i dont have anymore xanax until friday.
i could possibly take an antipsychotic. but this isnt psychosis. it will pass. or it wont. either way. im confused now. sorry.

*cddles you tight* can you go and curl up in front of a movie?

breathe.
im breathing.
thats a good thing right?
movies are good.
maybe a movie.
im so tired.

ha!!!!
****ing poetic!!!!
Far Behind by Candlebox is playing now.
it was one of Michael's favorites.
perfect.
i WILL listen.

go watch a movie darlin, and get some sleep

rach.... stop punishing urself.

ummm......
reckon i'll go lie in bed and see what happens.
ive been awake way too long now.
bad things will begin to happen soon if im not careful.
i know how to be careful.
i should do the responsible thing.
do the right thing for once.
i know what the right thing is.
and its always the hardest to do.
but im going to do it now.
if anything.....i need to prove to myself that im actually capable of doing something responsible.

thank you everyone.
xx

i hope you can get some sleep xx

*cuddles lots* loving you lots sweetheart. *hugs you tightly* I hope you get some sleep and I hope you really and truly get through tonight unscathed. I think you can do this. I KNOW you can do this. *cuddles you tightly*

Rachel, I left someone I was engaged to also. Just started going out with someone else. If you are evil, so am I.

*cuddles you*