RYL Forums - all swings and roundabouts

i want to be here but i can only fluctuate.
i really appreciate all of the help and support offered to me by you guys , but i've been ---well i don't know the words to express it really. low, i guess, and things always seem to go from bad to worse.
often i sit here and just can't post. like the expressed need to implode is some kind of roundabout self harm which is subconciously looming over me

so many people have ideas of what or who i should be with or at or somesuch- i just cant relate to anything at the moment, i'm so ****ing lost in all of this crap

so much dissociation its taking over my mind and making things seem how they aren't or how i think they aren't but they are . i don't know.

i've been hiding away again, pulling myself away in the hope that i'll figure things out somehow but all it does is make things work. nevertheless nothing else seems to work

i want to run and hide but i want to wave the white flag and hope help comes. i know that i've been pulling away, pushing people away, breaking contact. not picking up the phone. not answering messages. silence - for a while now. its not deliberate. i just can't

i don't have the answers as to why, but i know i'm ****ing messed up

and all the time somehow the dissociative nature that has so much of a hold on me, allows me to project some kind of fully functional appearance when all i'm doing is falling to pieces. again