To deliberately go back... *could trigger*
 

Basically it comes down to this. Recently I have been paying attention to what people around me have been saying about me, because I’m not an easy person to be around & having been listening to the things people say its obvious to me that really they just “put up” with me – not necessarily in a bad way but they either miss understand me & think I’m being highly strung & overly sensitive … or I over react & they end up thinking of me as a highly strung & over sensitive. This isn’t helped by the fact that I am never right & they are never wrong. They honestly either think of me as a little child they have to placate all the time or they try & have a go at me for being over sensitive & over reacting to something, when the majority of the time, I’m not at all & they have totally misunderstood me (I say majority of the time, because of course at times I do over react to things!!)

The thing is, that I know I am probably being over sensitive to the things they say… I know they are my friends & I know they love me, but at the same time hearing that whichever why I react to something is always wrong is being to…well its being to make me realise that actually life was easier when I cut. I had control over any emotions that I had & could keep them inside with one tiny little… well you know.

At the end of the day I was a better person to be around I was an easier person to live with… & if I am totally honest, one of the main reasons I stopped was because people said that life would be better & I would be more likely to be able to obtain the things I wanted from life if I was “clean”…turns out they lied – to my face bullshit!!! & this life is just as hard so why should I put them through having to live with me like this for nothing at all?
All I’ve been thinking about for the last 4 days is how I can cause myself pain without anyone noticing.


I don't know what to do... deliberately cut again & be the person thats easier to live with for those around me & myself but risk losing them if they find out or carry on like this & risk losing them anyway...

I'm rambling.

Anyway. Not sure that makes any sense but there it is.

I think we cut because we are sensitive. It helps us dull the emotional pain. Learning to live with our strong emotions is difficult. I'm having to learn why I feel the way I do. Growth isn't immediate, it is a process.

Have you talked honestly to your friends about what you are doing and how you are reacting? Do they know that you are trying to, that you are, learning to cope without injuring yourself? If you can say that to them, in a quiet and subtle way in public and in more detail in private, if they are real friends, they will understand and try to help.

I've had to go through this myself. I understand.
My PM box is always open.

Have they been suggesting ways you could change your reactions to make it easier for them, or just telling you what you're doing wrong? If they've not suggested what you could do instead, maybe it would be worth talking to them. I often think things are so much easier to cope with when you cut, but you stopped for a reason and before you do anything you'll regret, you need to really think about whether or not it is right for you. Sorry I can't be more help. *hugs*

just wanted to say ive read and i DO care so much. just dont have words.
*snugglies*
loves.
xxxxx

Thanks all.
I'm not going to talk to them about it, because I don't want them to know that this is actually a conscious effort... I know that might sound strange, but if I can make it to that person - the one that is easy to live with - I want them to think that its just that that person is me now & everything is better.

I know they could help me if I asked them to, but I know i'll manage...

Thanks again x

Go ahead and talk to us about things then as you work at transforming yourself. That is what we are here for.

Thanks Susan... you know I will. xxx

Keep us up to date on what you are doing?

I'm often struggling to be what I should be.

My PM box is always open too.