no-one knows...
 

no-one knows... ...me.


my obsessive idolation of a person has come to an end, and after i hated them for a couple of days.. now i feel nothing. they're just another person.

and with that comes a major apathy, about the rest of my life too.

i don't feel much about or for anything.

I'm actively destroying relationships with friends, by barely even trying. if i don't try to talk to them and force a conversation out of them, they don't talk to me. they barely talk if i do try.

oddly i don't care enough.
a part of me knows that i should care, and knows that in time i will care, but right now i'm just.. detached.

i'm eating regularly. i'm not drinking, i'm not smoking, i'm not doing drugs, i'm only counting calories to a certain extent.. i'm not leaving the house, i'm losing all my friends, and i have no obsessions.

i'm living in a mess, and can't clean it.

meanwhile my mum rejoices at how settled i'm sounding when she rings once a week. i neglect to tell her thats the only human contact im having these days.

most of me is just.. gone. i dont assoicate with life, or anything in it. i realised earlier i was alone, but that realisation has disapperated now. i know i'm physically alone, but.. it doesnt work like that. i cant feel lonely tonight. i cant feel anything really.

the walls aren't real, the lights aren't real. i'm not entirely sure if im real or not but whatever is typing this keeps typing, so in some delusion maybe it is real enough for that dimension. i can't seem to figure out whats real or not, or if anything is.

last week the pidgeons were spying on me, but this week they have just gone back to usual rounds and observations. i guess whatever happened last week has been sorted out. i wonder what the spies think of me typing this. maybe they record it, i saw a program where they could trace everything you type. i wonder if they've done that to my pc or not. its ok though, they're not threatening at the minute.

i think this is why i broke stuff last week. i had an urge to break things and i did, over a few days. i think i was trying to work out if they were real or not. but now i know that was futile. i think i'm an updated version of myself. i know this reality is warped. i cut last week and the blood was there but it didnt make me live. it was an inconclusive experiement really.

i wish i knew what i was meant to do.

It sounds to me like you have clinical depression. I think it needs to be treated with therapy and with meds.

Please, get help.

I'd extend that, and refer to it as an 'abandonment depression'.

i have depression and borderline, thats all as far as i know. i wasn't really asking for any diagnosis, though thanks.

I'm sorry, I was offering that info as a way of helping.

Please, get professional help for this.

Abandonment depression is when you experience a real or perceived loss of someone important to you, and become depressed and low and despairing and hopeless and fragment and lost and alone....
They say it's a borderline thing, but I call it human.

either way, i'm yet to get a GP even, so i havent even been put on a referral waiting list (ive just moved to a new area) so i have to just deal with being me for now.

It's ok to be you. ((hugs you gently))