I'm on the edge...
 

Over the last year and a half I've been engaging in a spiritual quest, to break my own lies and find ultimate truth and all that stuff. So, along the way I've wound up basically demolishing everything I could believe in. I want to believe but I can't anymore. Or something. I don't really know why I'm saying that because that isn't the problem, just sort of a way I can't help myself.

But, my scars are beginning to fade again... and this is something I have a very hard time with. I need those scars. I have a shoulder and two upper thighs of scars which are beginning to fade and everything gets worse when they fade. They're a reminder of where I've been and of who I am and its so hard to let them go.

I also keep getting reminded of various ways I've tried to destroy myself before: how I ran away, used drugs, cigarettes, sleep and food deprivation...everything. I've got to fight SO HARD just to remain on the edge, and I am so tired of fighting...

Every meal I've got two parts of my personality gently ripping me in two: one of them reminding me that I'm virtually addicted to food, the other reminding me that if I don't eat then I'm being unhealthy and anorexic again (I'm already losing weight again).

My girlfriend is the one reason I'm trying to hold on, and I fear that she isn't enough. I'm trying to reach to God but it seems s/he laughs in my face. And my girlfriend is going through difficult times as well...

Right now I'm trying to blast the chaos out of my head by flooding my ears with Nine Inch Nails and other noisy music just so I can focus.
What am I asking for? I don't know.
No one can help me, I can't help myself and I can't help her.
It's like I'm playing the videogame called life and the difficulty level keeps increasing faster than I can cope with.

I don't really have any words at the moment, but I just wondered how things were now and if you talk to your girlfriend about this? It's amazing how much easier things begin to come when you start to communicate properly.

Take care.

xox

I sort of talk to her, but the thing is, we're both very fragile emotionally because we care alot about each other. I don't want to come to her constantly with my problems because I drag her down. Instead, I'm trying to get help from other people but that's not working either.

My counselor, hopefully, will be able to keep on seeing me (insurance might run out any day now) and I dunno... my rooms a dump and I don't want to clean it. You know?

I had this amazing insight on Wednesday, and I've been calm and peaceful for a while because of that (basically, hope) but as always the insight is collapsing again and nothings making sense again.

I'm trying to function without my brain, because it's just messed up.
The thing is, I love to think! Argh And it hurts to think, and pain comes from acting "rationally"...

Your girlfriend probably doesn't mind you going to her, even if it does drag her down because she's your girlfriend.

cling on to the hope, things will get better, it's almost the law.
Maybe you could try writing down your thoughts?
See if that helps with the thinking pain.

pm anytime... i'm hear to listen

Oh noes.

I just tried talking to my girlfriend without saying "I'm feeling bad" but just saying "I'm tired, don't worry" and now she's crashed as well. I can't talk to her because all the words we use (her and I both) get misinterpreted by the other.

The thing is, with us, I'm the more feminine, emotional, needy, and wordy and she's the more masculine, rational, and generally sane. But we're both very unstable and neither of us have got much help at all.

I dunno.
Everything keeps on falling apart.

I didn't believe in love until I met her, and now it seems that love isn't enough. Or doesn't exist. Everything I hold on to winds up falling apart.

Like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maohxmFV_ds