feeling alone and scared *turned into a bit of a rant i think*
 

i think ive been feleing this way for a while but managed to push it away. it was always there but somehow i managed to hide it. i cant do that any more. im falling apart and theres no reason why i should be. after talking to someone last night i decided to try and tell my bf how im feeling but i cant seem to tell him everything. i txted him while he was at work and told him i was feeling low. he promised me hugs when he got back home, but i dont wanna be near him. i dont want him to touch me. i dont want hugs, i dont deserve them. i wanna talk...but i dont know how to. i know my bf would listen to me, but all id get is "it will be ok". i know thats not his fault and he's trying to help but im so so tired of of hearing "it will be ok". when will it be ok???

im tired of feeling better and i start to think that maybe i am getting better then to crash back to earth worse then before. ive tried talking to proffessionals but i couldnt do it. i spent the hour stairing at the floor. how can it help if i cant talk?

thinking about it, i know what started me off felling like this again. maybe thats why i cant tell my bf, he'd wanna know why and i cant possibly tell him. i know what his reaction will be and i cant cope with that. i dont know what to do anymore.

i was driving my car today and all of a sudden i had the sudden urge to crash it. would be so easy on my way to work, i work in the middle of the country side, lots of quiet bendy roads, it would look like an accident and noone else would get hurt. its so tempting but i think, deep down i wouldnt be able to go through with it.

another thing thats getting to me is my bfs health. he has cystic fibrosis and while his health has been relatively ok, lately he has been slowly getting ill. im terrified of the future, but i love him too much to walk away. we're getting married on the 27th august 2010 and im starting to wonder if he'll actually still be around then. i know its stupid to think like this but i cant seem to stop myself.

urgh, my heads all over the place. sorry this post turned out so long and whiny. i dont even know what the point of it is, guess i needed to get some of it off my chest

*cuddles* honey I don't have any magic words to make this better but I wanted you to know I read it and i'm thinking of you. I can't say when it will get better, they don't have a time line for that sort of thing. It's one of those... just kinda do what you can when you can and take each day one step at a time. *hugs*

Just want you to know that I have read your post and identfy with many of the things you say - especially the trying to get better only to find yourself crashing again (just read my own posts if you don't believe me). I also find myself struggling with thoughts of sui during everyday activities eg catching the train to work etc.

Sorry, no advice re your boyfriend but understand the difficulties re cf as a good friend at high school had cf - not pleasant to see a friend go through some of the stuff she did.

Don't apologise about posting, it's good to get things off your chest.

*hugs* sorry to hear it didn't work out when you went to talk to your bf. Think positively about the future and the wedding, don't let it get you down thinking about his health. Just take each day as it comes.

Something that helps me when I talk to my psych is to go prepared, with a list. I print our write out copies for both of us.

Thank you for your replies, its helps to know im not as alone as i feel.
still been trying to talk to my bf about how ive been feeling but still not able to. i told him i need to talk to him but cant and he says he'll be there when i decided to talk to him..its not a case of decideing when, its a case of being able to. at least he's still around, the more i get like this the more scared i gete of losing him. he deserves someone better then me, he deserves to be happy and i know i dont make him happy, not even close.

you are wonderful.
he is wonderful.
you BOTH deserve each other.
i really do understand your worry about his health.
i had a friend with CF. its a scary disease and im truly sorry for you and him.
please try and make the most of every minute. i know youre depressed and hurting. let him help you because there will be times that you will have to help him lots.
until then...please take care of you.
much much love.
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