what if I go further
 

I need to write this down, whether anyone reads it or not. It's hard though to make any sense of it. When I was a little girl I had a loving family. Then parents got divorsed when I was 8. I was too young to understand but we moved house and Mum was living with a new man and Dad was living on his own. But I saw Dad all the time. He lived just round the corner. He was still invited to family occassions birthdays, christmas etc and him and mum stayed friends. Mum's new partner, Frank, was horrible. He didn't talk to me or my sister, he got drunk although he never physically hurt anyone he treated (and still treats) my mum badly. So I felt ever closer to my Dad. Then everything changed..
He started seeing someone and gradually I saw less and less of him. It's like he'd lost interest in me. Didn't have time for me. He started to change, drank too much, put on weight, and according to his, now wife, he hit her. He'd never laid a finger on anyone before. I went to uni and bearly heard anything from him

In the Easter break of my 2nd year at uni I came home. This was when he decided to tell me that he wasn't my real Dad. That holly was really my half sister and my mum had controlled him all these years. I was distraught. Everything I knew was turned upside down. My whole family knew all along that I wasn't his. I asked him for some space to get my head around things and finish my degree. I went to see him after uni finished to sort things out but he wasn't having it. Two years passed without any contact. Today we've arranged to meet up with my sister as well. I'm dreading it! It feels so ****. I'm scared because I don't know how I'm gonna cope afterwards with all the emotions I'll be feeling. Cutting definately but I haven't been taking meds so what if I go further. I'm on my own.

I'm so sorry about the length of this but need to get it out

XxX

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I think meeting up with your dad and talking things through will help you decide what to do next. After all, he may not be your biological dad but he still raised you until you were 8...Maybe further if your realtionship stayed solid for a while after the divorce.
Now, after two years with no contact, it's time to decide: Does he want to be a father to you? Do you want him to be a father to you?
Have you not been taking your meds? Why not?
Take care x

that has to be devastating. im so sorry. i dont have words for you.
but im thinking of you and hope the meeting goes well for you.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I have questions about my family of origin, ones that I can never ask. So I understand.

Wishing you the best as you do this difficult thing.

Please let us know how it goes?
hugs!

Thanks for your support!
I went today and met up. Felt sick hours before. Not once did he make eye contact with me. He didn't kiss me or even hug me hello or goodbye. Holly, my sister talked constantly to him (she doesn't like awkward silence). But he never asked me anything. I tried to chip in to Holly's conversations but I felt **** and found it hard. He drove us to see my Nan (well that's what I still call her) She has altsimas and is so frail. Lives in care home in London. Doesn't know who I am and you can't have a conversation with her. So that was upsetting for me. I can't talk to her about what's happened with 'Dad' because she's so ill. Stayed half hour and then he drove us back home. It's a start but we're so far apart I don't think it will ever get better. He doesn't love me anymore and I don't know what i've done wrong.

Not taking meds at moment because I don't care about myself. Will cut tonight but not planning to do anything more.

You didn't do wrong, he did. I am so sorry this happened. Knowing that your parents don't love you is so difficult.

cuddles